WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND I AM SO-- I FEEL THE SAME
WAY.
I AGREE-- WOOOO!
I AGREE.
IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE BACK.
>> Jon: GREAT TO BE BACK.
>> Stephen: HAD SOME TIME OFF
AND A COUPLE OF SHOWS THIS WEEK,
THANKS TO THE GUESTS JON
STEWART, JAKE TAPPER,
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD.
I WAS THE GUEST.
I'D BOOK ME AGAIN.
AND I HOPE EVERYBODY HAD A HAPPY
THANKSGIVING WHILE WE WERE OFF.
OF COURSE, NOW WE KICK OFF A
VERY SPECIAL SEASON.
WE'RE ALL WAITING FOR THAT
MAGICAL MAN TO CHECK HIS NAUGHTY
AND NICE LIST, BECAUSE...
♪ MUELLER CLAUS IS COMING TO
TOWN
♪ HE SEES YOU WHEN YOU'RE
TWEETING
♪ HE KNOWS YOUR HAIR IS FAKE
HE KNOWS WHEN YOU ARE OR BAD
OR BAD
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE BAD FOR GOODNESS
SAKE
♪ YOU'RE BAD ♪
( CHEERS )
BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE THE RUSSIA
INVESTIGATION IS HEADED INTO
HIGH GEAR.
LET'S START WITH FORMER TRUMP
CAMPAIGN CHAIRMAN AND RAY LIOTTA
IN THE ROLE OF A LIFETIME, PAUL
MANAFORT.
( LAUGHTER )
MANAFORT, HE FLIPPED ON TRUMP,
A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO, HE
FLIPPED ON THE MAN.
BUT ON MONDAY, MUELLER TOLD US
THAT MANAFORT BREACHED HIS PLEA
DEAL BY REPEATEDLY LYING.
WHAT?
>> Jon: WHAT?
WHAT?
>> Stephen: ARE YOU SAYING YOU
CAN'T TRUST PAUL MANAFORT?
WITH A FACE LIKE THIS?
"YES, OFFICER, YES, OFFICER, THE
STOLEN GOODS ARE IN MY BASEMENT.
DO GO DOWN, AND WATCH THOSE
STAIRS."
MUELLER'S TEAM SAYS THAT
MANAFORT'S LIES RELIEVE THEM OF
ALL OF THE PROMISES MADE IN THE
PLEA AGREEMENT BUT THAT MANAFORT
CANNOT WITHDRAW HIS GUILTY PLEA.
SO HE'S PUT HIMSELF IN EVEN
DEEPER DOO-DOO THAN BEFORE.
THIS CAN MEAN ONE OF ONLY TWO
THINGS:ONE, HE'S AFRAID TO RAT
ON THE RUSSIANS BECAUSE HE HAS A
LIFELONG DREAM OF CONTINUING TO
LIVE OR-- OR--
♪ I'LL BE AROUND ♪
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YES, HE'S GOT THIS
BUCKET LIST OF NOT ENDING UP IN
A SERIES OF BUCKETS.
OR, OR, THE OTHERRINGS ON, THE
OTHER POSSIBILITY OF WHY HE'S
LYING-- AND I CAN'T BE I'M SAY
THIS BECAUSE IT IS CRAZY-- HE'S
EXPECTING TRUMP TO PARDON HIM.
BUT WE HEARD ABOUT TRUMP
DANGLING A PARDON LAST YEAR.
WHY DIDN'T TRUMP DO IT THEN?
WELL, AS EINSTEIN ONCE SAID,
CHECK THIS (BLEEP) OUT.
HE SAID IT AT SOME POINT, I'M
SURE.
BECAUSE WE JUST LEARNED THAT
WHILE MANAFORT WAS PRETENDING TO
COOPERATE WITH MUELLER, THIS
WHOLE TIME HE WAS ALSO FEEDING
INFORMATION TO TRUMP LAWYER AND
MAN DEMONSTRATING THE CORRECT
WAY TO EAT A BABY, RUDY
GIULIANI.
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S LIKE CORN ON THE COB.
YESTERDAY-- YESTERDAY, RUDY SAID
THAT MANAFORT'S LEGAL TEAM GAVE
HIM REGULAR BRIEFINGS ABOUT THE
QUESTIONS SPECIAL COUNSEL ROBERT
EXPHIEWRL HIS INVESTIGATORS WERE
ASKING.
SO THE FIX WAS IN, BABY!
IT WAS THE LONG CON.
YOU DO THIS, AND YOU GET A
PARDON.
ONE TINY HAND WASHES ANOTHER.
(AS TRUMP
SNITCHES GET STITCHES, BUT A
FRIEND O' ME GETS CLEMENCY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TRUMP WAS ASKED--
♪ ♪ ♪
WHEN WAS HE ASKED THIS
YESTERDAY, TRUMP WAS ASKED THIS?
TRUMP WAS ASKED YESTERDAY
WHETHER HE PLANNED TO PARDON
MANAFORT AND LISTEN TO WHAT HE
DIDN'T SAY, (AS TRUMP): "LET ME
GO OFF THE RECORD, BECAUSE I
DON'T WANT TO GET IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE WHOLE THING.
AT SOME POINT, I'LL TALK ON THE
RECORD ABOUT IT.
BUT I'D RATHER NOT."
"SO, AM I GONNA HELP MANAFORT?
OFF THE RECORD: THAT'S A BIG FAT
YES.
ON THE RECORD?
MANAFORT IS A VERY GOOD MAN I'VE
NEVER MET.
NO COLLUSION.
I WEIGH 239 POUNDS, AND I'VE
NEVER TASTED HUMAN FLESH."
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
"UNLESS IT'S VERY WELL DONE WITH
SOME KETCHUP."
AND MANAFORT REALLY NEEDS THAT
PARDON NOW MORE THAN EVER,
BECAUSE YESTERDAY, BRITAIN'S
"THE GUARDIAN" BROKE THE STORY
THAT, ALLEGEDLY, MANAFORT ALSO
HELD SECRET TALKS WITH WIKILEAKS
FOUND JULIAN SAWIN THE
ECUADORIAN EMBASSY.
IF THIS IS TRUE, THAT MEANS THE
WORLD'S PALEST MAN MET THE
WORLD'S SHADIEST MAN.
IN THIS ARTICLE, "THE
GUARDIAN'S" SOURCE ALLEGES THAT
MANAFORT WENT TO SEE ASSANGE
AROUND MARCH 2016, AROUND THE
TIME HE JOINED TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN.
OKAY, THAT LOOKS BAD, BUT ONLY
BECAUSE IT IS BAD.
MANAFORT DENIES INVOLVEMENT IN
THE HACK AND SAYS "THE CLAIM IS
100% FALSE."
ASSANGE IS FIGHTING BACK.
WIKILEAKS:
(AS AUSSIE):
I'M GONNA CUT YOUR HEAD OFF,
MATE.
AND I'M GOING TO FEED IT TO
DONALD TRUMP BECAUSE HE EATS
HUMAN FLESH."
AND MANAFORT'S NOT THE ONLY
CAMPAIGN CRONY OUT THERE WHO MAY
HAVE BEEN WIKI-CURIOUS.
SO WAS TRUMP CONFIDANTE AND
OPEN-CASKET AMERICAN, ROGER
STONE.
( LAUGHTER )
WE JUST LEARNED-- WE JUST
LEARNED FROM COURT FILINGS THAT
MUELLER HAS AN EMAIL EXCHANGE
BETWEEN STONE AND HIS PAL,
CONSPIRACY THEORIST AND
DEFROCKED OOMPA LOOMPA, JEROME
CORSI.
YOU'LL REMEMBER THAT WIKILEAKS
RELEASED THEIR FIRST BATCH OF
EMAILS DURING THE DEMOCRATIC
CONVENTION ON JULY 22, 2016.
THEN, ON JULY 25, STONE SENT
CORSI AN EMAIL THAT READ, "GET
TO ASSANGE AT ECUADORIAN EMBASSY
IN LONDON AND GET THE PENDING
WIKILEAKS EMAILS."
YOU DON'T PUT THAT IN AN EMAIL,
YOU DUMMY!
YOU GOT TO USE CODE NAMES.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, "MR. BOND,
YOU ARE NOW A SECRET AGENT.
YOUR CODE NAME IS DOUBLE-O JAMES
BOND SECRET AGENT."
THEN EIGHT DAYS-- JAMES BOND
FANS.
( APPLAUSE )
THEN EIGHT DAYS-- EIGHT DAYS--
EIGHT DAYS AFTER THE FIRST
EMAIL, CORSI WROTE BACK TO
STONE, "WORD IS FRIEND IN
EMBASSY PLANS TWO MORE DUMPS,
ONE SHORTLY AFTER I'M BACK,
SECOND IN OCTOBER.
IMPACT PLANNED TO BE VERY
DAMAGING."
( LAUGHTER )
NOT AS DAMAGING AS THIS EMAIL
WILL BE LATER TO ME, JEROME
CORSI, BUT STILL...
PRETTY BAD.