So I know I have to lose some weight.
But I want to be careful 'cause I don't want to lose too much
and end up in porn.
[audience laughs]
'Cause you know that is a very real possibility.
[audience laughs]
If you're hot.
if you're super... Like you are, you're proper hot. Right?
Like, you're a beautiful couple.
Do you work out together?
-Yeah. -Of course you do.
[audience laughs]
I'm not fit-shaming you.
But you're a hot couple.
Like, aesthetically, you're quite pleasing to the eye.
[audience laughs]
Like, if you two came up to me in a bar
-and asked me for a threesome, I'd be in. -[audience laughs]
Yeah.
And not just in a "hold the camera" kind of way.
I'd give it my all.
-[audience laughs] -[chuckles]
I would get so freaky,
you two would be super impressed.
Like, halfway through,
over my naked butt, you'd just be high fiving each other, going...
[audience laughs]
"Fucking score on this one, eh?"
[laughing continues]
But you have to be careful.
'Cause you're beautiful, you could end up in porn.
The rest of you, you're fine.
[audience laughs]
'Cause, you know, if you're in a happy, healthy relationship
and you've got a healthy sex life,
at some point,
one of you will turn to the other and go,
"We should record ourselves.
[audience laughs]
You know, while we're... [clicks tongue]
You know?"
And you will.
If you're going, "We'll never do that,"
your partner's probably already doing it.
[audience laughs]
You may as well get involved.
There's a whole genre of porn of you not being in porn.
-So you might as well. -[audience laughs]
And then you're going to go, "Okay, fine."
Then you've got to take your smartphone, you'll prop it up somewhere in the room.
And then you go at it.
You go at it hammer and tongs, right?
You give it your A-game
'cause you know you're recording yourself.
[audience laughs]
Then afterwards you go,
"Okay, go get it."
[audience laughs]
He rolls off you, he goes and he gets it.
He comes back and you're excited. You're like... [giggles]
[audience laughs]
"Oh, this is going to be good.
This is going to be great, yeah.
[blows kiss]
-[audience laughs] -I love you."
And you hit play.
-[dry-heaving and gagging] -[audience laughs]
[loudly] "Why is my arsehole so dark?
[audience roars]
Why is it so hairy?
[audience laughs]
It looks like a tarantula is crawling out of a cave."
-[laughing continues] -[gags]
You look at your body at an angle
you wouldn't normally see,
performing an activity you wouldn't normally see
reflect back in a shopfront window.
[audience laughs]
You see things on your body
that you wouldn't normally see.
You look at that and you go...
[yelling] "Is that a nipple on my back?"
[audience laughs]
And your partner's, like, super blasé He goes, "Yeah.
[audience laughs]
I thought you knew."
You're like, "No, every time it's cold,
I think it's the fucking label on my cardigan!"
[audience laughs]
And he's like, "No, no.
And when it's really hot, it does that weird Barbie mouth thing, that..."
[audience laughs]
You look at that footage, it's not natural.
It's your fat, pasty-ass white body
-plowing at pace... -[audience laughing]
...into another fat, pasty-ass white body...
meeting abruptly in the middle.
It doesn't even sound good.
[audience laughs]
Like, in the heat of the moment, you don't hear anything.
But when it's silent
and you're just staring at your white body with an extra nipple
on a little screen,
all you can hear... [smacking rapidly]
[audience laughs]
Like, "What is that noise?
-Oh, it's your balls on my tummy." -[laughing continues]
You look at that and you go,
"Why am I fucking you?
[audience laughs]
Why are you fucking me?
Let's never do this shit again."
[audience laughs]