-Welcome, welcome. Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here.
Thank you for watching.
[ Cheers and applause ]
What a great day it was today, guys.
Compared to yesterday, didn't New York City
seem so quiet today?
[ Laughter ]
It felt like going from a TJ Maxx to a library.
You know, didn't it a little bit?
Yup, yesterday was crazy because former President Trump
got arrested here in New York City, and...
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
...the news covered every move, his every, every move.
But most of it was just him traveling.
Did you see? I'm not sure
we needed a play by play of a guy's trip to the airport.
You know what I'm saying?
It was like Trump clicked Share my Uber trip
with the entire country.
Yep, the news literally covered Trump's rides to the airport.
The only time I care about someone getting to the airport
is my uncle after Thanksgiving.
Alright, he's on the plane. Go.
Thank you, bye.
Thank you so much. Yep.
Trump is facing 34 felony counts
because of hush money payments he made to porn star
Stormy Daniels and Playboy model Karen McDougal.
But get this, Trump also reportedly paid off a doorman
who claimed to know about a secret child he fathered.
-Ooh.
-So Trump paid hush money to a porn star,
a Playboy model and secretly fathered a child.
He sounds less like the former president
and more like a former member of Motley Crue.
[ Laughter ]
The doorman, the doorman got suspicious
at a Trump Tower birthday party when the kid fired the magician.
"You're fired." And he go, "Wait.
You...
Where do you live?"
[ Cheers and applause ]
Of course, Trump denies secretly fathering a child.
He was like, "Technically, I've never fathered any child."
[ Laughter ]
Send the butler down to Don Jr.'s baseball game.
Well, there weren't any video cameras in the courtroom
during Trump's arraignment, but there were some sketch artists.
Here's one of their drawings here.
Ooh.
[ Laughter ]
Of course, the courtroom sketch is sponsored by Velveeta.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, Trump didn't take a mug shot,
but his campaign is already selling t-shirts
with a fake mug shot on them.
And this is -- this is real.
They added two inches to Trump's height
to make him 6'5."
Check this out. This is real, yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Then Stormy Daniels said,
"Well, you got the two inches part, right?"
Hey, whoa, wait.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Whoa! -"You're fired!"
"Alright."
[ Laughter ]
I heard that the judge overseeing Trump's case
has set the next in-person hearing for December,
and Stormy Daniels may be there.
[ Audiences "Oohs" ]
And in honor of Stormy Daniels being there,
Lexus is already planning their awkward December
to remember sales event.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, after his arraignment,
Trump flew back home to Florida
and held a rally in Mar-a-Lago.
It's always nice to have a traditional
post-arrest reception.
The whole staff looked at him like, "Back so soon?"
[ Laughter ]
Switching gears, listen to this.
In a new documentary, Pope Francis
said that sex is a beautiful thing.
That's because he's only seen it in Renaissance oil paintings.
[ Laughter ]
It was even weirder because the question was,
have you thought about retiring?
It had nothing to do...
Some big movie news today.
Nintendo's "Super Mario Bros. Movie"
finally hit theaters.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And of course, with this movie, if you're a younger sibling,
you have to watch your big brother watch it first.
There you go, guys.
Finally, it is Wednesday night. And you know what that means.
It's "Tonight Show" Audience trivia Night.
-♪ Tonight audience trivia night ♪
-Now, I'm going to ask random people
in the audience a trivia question.
And if you answer correctly, you win a prize.
Who wants to play? Anyone want to play?
No one on this side wants to play?
Right over here, come here.
Oh, yeah. Hey, here you go.
Ready? What is your name? -Ella.
-Ella, where are you from? -California.
-Hey. Welcome, Ella, from California.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Alright, here's the question.
-Seconds?
Milliseconds?
-Judges. [ Buzzer ]
-Sorry. The answer was...
Sorry. Thank you so much. Thank you for playing.
Who else wants to play?
Yeah, right there, buddy. Hey, there you go.
Here you go. What's your name and where are you from?
-Michael from Texas. -Michael from Texas!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Come on, Texas.
-Texas, alright. Here's the question.
-Oh, I don't know.
The one down?
[ Laughter ]
-The one down. Judges? [ Buzzer ]
I'm sorry. It's Ozempic.
Ozempic. Thank you so much. How about -- who else?
Anyone over here? Yes. Hey, bud.
How you doing? That's for you. -How are you?
-That's a great shirt. -Thank you.
What is your name? Where are you from?
-Corey, from Detroit, Michigan.
-Yeah, Detroit.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Alright, here we go.
-Frostbite?
-Judges? [ Buzzer ]
No, skiing with Gwyneth Paltrow.
Thank you so much.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
Let me -- let's go around here.
I'll go around. I'll go around this side.
Hey, how are you guys doing? Doing good, looking good.
Good looking audience. Hey, bud.
Get up, get up! Stand, hey.
What's your name? -Loic.
-Louie? -Loic. French. French name.
-Loic? -Yeah.
-Well, Loic from France.
Thank you so much for being here.
-Here you go, hold that.
I'll give you the question here. Ready, Loic?
-Whoa. -What agency monitors
the activities of all Americans?
-The government? Yeah.
-Government? [ Buzzer ]
Ah, TikTok.
Thank you so much. I appreciate it.
Thank you for being here.
We have time for one more. We --
Right there. Come on.
Nice to see you. -Hi.
-What is your name and where are you from?
-Victoria Ybarra. I'm from California.
-Yeah, Victoria from California.
Alright. The question is...
-A bar keeper?
[ Buzzer ] -No.
We were looking for a Spirit Airlines pilot.
Sorry. Thank you so much for being here.
-Unfortunately, no one took home the prize tonight.
We'll try again next week on
Tonight Show Audience Trivia Night.
Stick around. We'll be right back with Matt Damon.
Everybody, come on back.