>> HANDWRITTEN LETTERS BY ALEXANDER HAMILTON WERE SOLD AT
AUCTION FOR MORE THAN $2 MILLION.
YOU KNOW THEY ARE AUTHENTIC BECAUSE THEY ALL BEGIN -- YO, MY
NAME IS HAMILTON AND I'M HERE TO SAY --
[ LAUGHTER ] >> McDONALD'S ANNOUNCED IT WILL
BE OFFERING TWO NEW VERSIONS OF THE BIG MAC.
ONE FOR EACH TYPE OF DIABETES. >>> A NEW STUDY SHOWS THE GLOBAL
TEMPERATURE REACHED A RECORD HIGH AND THE BUMBLEBEE HAS BEEN
ADDED TO THE ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST WHICH IS ALARMING.
IT'S HARD TO GET PEOPLE TO FREAK OUT ABOUT BEES DYING OR GLOBAL
WARMING BECAUSE EVERYONE LOVES WARM WEATHER AND THEY HATE BEES.
MAYBE IF IT WERE THE OTHER WAY PEOPLE WOULD GET INVOLVED.
IF THE WEATHER REPORT IN MIAMI WAS LIKE, TOMORROW WILL BE A
HIGH OF 8 DEGREES AND MAD BEES. CERTAIN THINGS JUST FEEL TOO
OVERWHELMING TO TAKE ON. LIKE WHEN YOU LEARN THE
CONSEQUENCES OF CLIMATE CHANGE AND THE EX-BEES YOU HAVE TWO
OPTIONS. YOU CAN EITHER A, IGNORE IT AND
HOPE IT WORKS ITSELF OUT OR, B, BECOME THE GUY THAT BRINGS UP
BUMBLEBEES ON A FIRST DATE. SO, WHAT DO YOU DO?
I HAVE DEDICATED MY LIFE TO PRESERVING THE BUMBLEBEE.
SHE'S JUST SITTING THERE LIKE, MM.
A COUPLE IN MARYLAND WERE ARRESTED AFTER THEY WERE
DISCOVERED HAVING SEX IN THEIR CAR WHILE TWO KIDS WERE IN THE
BACK SEAT. WORSE, THE KIDS KEPT ASKING,
"ARE YOU THERE YET?" >> AFTER MORE THAN 140 YEARS THE
RINGLING BROTHERS CIRCUS WILL CLOSE IN MAY AFTER FALLING SALES
AND PROTESTS FROM ANIMAL RIGHTS GROUPS.
THE ANIMALS WILL BE RELEASED TO SANCTUARIES WHILE THE CLOWNS
WILL BE RELEASED IN THE WOODS. >> A MAJORITY OF MEN WITH A
CLOSE FEMALE FRIEND SECRETLY HOPE THEIR RELATIONSHIP WILL
TURN SEXUAL. HERE WITH MORE ON THAT SHOCKING
STATISTIC IS JAKE WHO JOINS US LIVE VIA SATELLITE FROM THE
FRIEND ZONE. >> THANKS.
HI, MICHAEL. I'M HERE IN THE FRIEND ZONE
HELPING MY FRIEND SHANNON MOVE INTO HER NEW APARTMENT.
SO I HAVE BEEN DRIVING BOXES ACROSS TOWN ALL DAY AND CARRYING
AWKWARD FURNITURE UPSTAIRS FOR A PRETTY GIRL WHO IS NOT ATTRACTED
TO ME WHATSOEVER. IN FACT, JUST TODAY SHANNON
SAID, I CAN'T EVEN PICTURE YOU HAVING SEX, WHICH I FIND
CONFUSING BECAUSE I CAN PICTURE HER HAVING SEX VERY EASILY.
>> TELL US WHAT'S THE HARDEST PART ABOUT BEING IN THE FRIEND
ZONE. >> UM, ALL OF IT.
NIGHTS ARE DIFFICULT. SHANNON WILL OFTEN HAVE DRAMA
WITH ONE OF THE SELFISH BAD BOYS SHE'S ATTRACTED TO, ASK
ME TO COME OVER AND WE'LL SLEEP IN THE SAME BED SO SHE'S NOT
LONELY. SHE EASILY FALLS ASLEEP WHERE AS
I LAY AWAKE ALL NIGHT ACTIVELY SUPPRESSING AN ERECTION AND
PAINFULLY HOLDING IN GAS. >> OH, MAN.
HOW DOES A GUY LIKE YOU END UP IN THE FRIEND ZONE?
>> IN MY CASE I FOUND MYSELF IN THE FRIEND ZONE WITH SHANNON
BECAUSE WHEN WE MET I WAS NICE AND KIND.
>> OH. >> IT ABSOLUTELY KILLED MY
CHANCE AT A PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP.
BUT I ENDED UP WITH A FRIENDSHIP THAT HONESTLY, MICHAEL, I
WOULDN'T TRADE FOR ANYTHING. >> SO WHAT IF SHANNON HAD A
CHANGE OF HEART AND WANTED -- >> -- TO START HAVING SEX?
I WOULD IMMEDIATELY DO THAT. >> HAVE YOU CONSIDERED TELLING
HER HOW YOU FEEL? >> TO BE HONEST I HAVEN'T GIVEN
IT MUCH THOUGHT EXCEPT FOR THE SIX-PAGE E-MAIL EXPLAINING WHY
WE BELONG TOGETHER IN MY DRAFTS FOLDER.
SOMETIMES WHEN I'M DRUNK I WILL READ IT, ADD OF FEW LINES AND
HOVER THE CURSOR OVER THE SEND BUTTON BUT NEVER CLICK SEND
BECAUSE UNFORTUNATELY, MICHAEL, I AM A LITTLE BABY BITCH BOY.
>> DON'T HATE ME, BUT CAN YOU BUILD MY IKEA STUFF?
>> I WOULD LOVE TO. MICHAEL, THIS IS SHANNON.
>> I'M SORRY I INTERRUPTED. >> YEAH.
YOU'RE SO RUDE, SHANNON. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT.
>> OH, MY GOD. SHUT UP.
JAKE, YOUR FRIEND IS A JERK. UM, BUT WE SHOULD HANG OUT.
GET MY NUMBER FROM JAKE. >> OH, MY GOSH.
STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO, SHANNON.
>> SHUT UP. YOU ARE TROUBLE, AREN'T YOU?
>> YEAH, I KNOW. >> WOW.
THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN TO BE HERE FOR.
I'M SO PUMPED YOU GUYS FLIRTED AND MADE PLANS IN FRONT OF ME.
JUST MAKE SURE YOU ARE ALWAYS THERE FOR HER.
>> NAH, JAKE, THAT'S YOUR JOB. FROM THE FRIEND ZONE JAKE.
>> FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE" I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST. GOOD NIGHT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪♪