I'm Sarah Silverman.
And since this is my first night hosting,
yeah, I'm a little nervous.
So I did that thing where you picture
the audience naked, which is perfect because now
I'm nervous and horny.
[laughter]
OK.
[applause]
Now some of you might not know who I am, so let me introduce
myself in the most Daily Show-y way possible using a right
wing talking head pundit montage.
Roll it.
Sarah Silverman is a complete buffoon
and aggressively unfunny.
She's a comedian.
I don't find there's anything funny actually about her.
A vulgar comic.
Who's mostly famous for saying dirty words
in a little girl voice.
She's a clown in her daily life.
An absolute fool.
She is a Jezebel.
Diabolically dumb.
She is a witch.
She's not funny.
She is a god-hating whore.
Boy, I'd like to hit her with a pie.
These right wing people really [bleep] hate me.
What am I, a gender neutral bathroom over here?
What am I, a Starbucks cup that just
says happy holidays over here?
What am I, a grown woman with an opinion?
Oh, yeah, that's probably what it is.
[applause]
All right, there's a lot to talk about,
so let's get right into it with headlines.
[music playing]
Let's kick things off with the big Rihanna
concert last night.
She is so cool she did it right in the middle
of a football game.
She doesn't care.
And she dropped some pretty exciting news.
FEMALE ANCHOR: Overnight, Rihanna making
a surprise announcement.
The superstar revealing she's pregnant with her second child
in front of a packed stadium during the Apple Music
Super Bowl Halftime Show.
Her rep confirming her growing family to ABC News after she
wowed fans from a floating platform in the sky.
That's right.
Rihanna revealed she was pregnant by bringing along all
the sperm that didn't make it.
[laughter and applause]
And, of course, the one that did, it was inside her.
Seriously, did you see that, pregnant women?
Did you see it?
Rihanna just did a Super Bowl halftime show while pregnant,
and you want my seat on the subway?
Not anymore, toots.
No way.
The bar has been raised, so hold it.
[laughter]
But all right.
Thank you.
But you know what, guys?
Rihanna isn't the only one who has a surprise announcement.
I just want everyone here to know that I have diarrhea.
[laughter]
Some people were surprised that Rihanna didn't bring out Kanye
West during All of the Lights.
But when you think about it, it makes sense
because there wasn't enough space for her dancers
to form a swastika.
I can say that because I'm a Nazi.
It was really cool.
I thought it was really cool that Rihanna did the show
way up on those platforms, but it was a little bit risky
because if you've been following the news at all,
this is not the time to be in the sky.
This weekend, the US shot down three flying objects
over North American airspace, bringing the total
to four in just over a week.
FEMALE ANCHOR: Questions mounting
after more unidentified objects discovered
over US and Canadian airspace.
A third mystery object in just three days
shot down by a US fighter jet over Lake Huron
Sunday afternoon.
Three incidents in less than a week
after that Chinese spy balloon was shot
down off the Carolina coast.
But a senior US official saying these three
are different from that spy balloon.
FEMALE ANCHOR: The commander of NORAD
said the last three objects were
similar in size and shape.
And he declined to categorize them as balloons,
saying they were unable to determine how they stay aloft.
Now when asked about the possibility of alien activity,
he would not rule anything out.
[laughter]
[applause]
Wait, you're not ruling out aliens?
I love how we're not ruling anything out,
but we're shooting everything down.
Is it a kite?
Is it aliens?
Is it the old man from Up?
Who cares?
We'll figure it out when we sift through the wreckage.
Now the official explanation is that after the Chinese balloon
last week, the government adjusted the radars
to make them more sensitive.
And once they did that, they realized
there's all kinds of shit flying
up all the time everywhere.
It's like when you start paying attention
to what ingredients are in your food
and realize everything has guar gum in it.
What's guar gum?
Guar gum.
We don't know what it is, but we're eating it, baby.
[laughter and applause]
An audience loves the turn to camera, too.
And you might be asking, where is Space Force in all of this?
Isn't dealing with UFOs their thing?
But, apparently, it's actually more complicated than that
because some of this stuff they're finding
is too low in the atmosphere for Space
Force's jurisdiction.
They're in this weird in-between zone
between the sky and space.
It's like the Earth's taint.
Really, what we need is a taint force
to protect this in-between area, this no man's land.
It's a very sensitive zone, so it
can get a little hairy, sure.
At times, working there can stink, sure.
But taint force will be there when the shit goes down.
[laughter and applause]
Moving on to a crazy story, the makers of M&Ms
were fined $14,000 after two workers
fell into a vat of chocolate.
So everyone be on the lookout for the newest M&Ms flavor--
human flesh.
And the good news is when those guys fell in,
they found the bones of Augustus Gloop.
[laughter and applause]
Some nice closure for the Gloop family.
The truth is that a lot of jobs are dangerous.
And that's why one new idea going around in some states
is particularly odd.
Some state legislatures looking
to fill a need in the labor market
are considering child workers as a solution.
Lawmakers in Iowa and Minnesota introduced bills last month
to loosen labor regulations around age
and workplace safety.
Minnesota's bill would allow 16 and 17-year-olds
to work construction jobs.
And the Iowa measure aims to allow 14 and 15-year-olds
to work certain positions in the mining,
meatpacking, and logging industries.
The Iowa proposal would also shield businesses
from civil liability if a youth worker gets sick,
injured, or killed on the job.
[audience booing]
We're doing great, everybody.
They're going to let 14-year-olds work in mining,
logging, and meat packing?
Those are the three most dangerous jobs.
What, they didn't have any openings
in the Ukrainian army?
You know they'll be able to fill these positions, too.
All it would take for teenagers to work in a mine
is a viral TikTok called the black lung challenge.
[laughter and applause]
And these lawmakers, they know it's dangerous
because they're shielding the companies if the kids get
killed on the job.
On the bright side, they will have oompa loompas come
out every time a kid dies.
A little Wonka heavy today.
And I'm sure this will surprise you,
but the lawmakers sponsoring these bills
call themselves pro life.
Of course they are.
If women aren't forced to have babies,
who's going to pack this goddamn meat?
[laughter and applause]
For more on this story, we turn to Roy Wood
Jr. [applause]
Is that the Iowa State house, Roy?
How can these people possibly allow this?
It's outrageous, Sarah.
Child labor has almost no place in this country.
Wait, almost?
Look, you've got to have some child labor.
You got to have some child labor.
You know how expensive it is to raise a kid?
You got to buy clothes.
You got to feed them two or three times a day.
You got to go to the doctor, make sure all
the bones ain't jacked up.
Then you got to take them to the dentist
and get the teeth checked.
Teeth ain't nothing but mouth bones.
Why are there two different doctors?
Got to pay for childcare, assuming you
can find childcare because your last babysitter
was scared of COVID.
She moved back to Canada.
Now you got to pay for after school care.
Then after school care, then there's summer camp
because the school year is only nine months of the year,
but the work year is all year.
Where does it stop?
These kids have got to pay their own way.
[laughter and applause]
Make them pay.
OK, sure, but, like, small things,
like working at McDonald's, or babysitting, or mowing lawns.
What's the difference between mowing a lawn
and chainsawing and a Redwood?
It's all yard work.
A tree ain't nothing but tall grass.
That's all a tree.
Roy, these are the world's most dangerous jobs.
You really want children doing them?
They the ones who want to grow up faster.
We just letting them.
Why can't I have a driver's license yet?
OK, OK, you can have a driver's license for a forklift.
Drive that.
Get the palette.
Move the palette around.
OK, call me naive, but childhood
isn't a time for work.
It's a time for children to learn,
and grow, and explore the world in their wonderment, and--
Yeah, I agree with that until he's a teenager.
Teenagers are not exploring the world in wonderment.
They throwing eggs at my house.
These punks need to be put to work.
They got too much time on their hands.
You're ruining my paint, Kevin.
I'll whoop your ass.
Punks like Kevin.
Put him-- put him on the factory line.
Let him debone 100 chickens an hour, you bitch.
Let's see.
Oh, my fingers hurt.
Yeah, that's hard work.
Roy, just because you're mad at your neighbor's kid
doesn't mean they deserve dangerous work conditions.
They could lose fingers.
Sarah, how many fingers you really need?
How many of-- these the stars right here.
These ones.
You need these fingers.
You need this one in case you get married.
But, you know, when was the last time you used your pinky?
The pinky just freeloading on all the rest of the fingers.
It's the nepo baby of the hand.
Plus, these kids is young enough.
These fingers will grow back.
They got time.
No, I'm sorry, but there is no place in our society
for child labor.
It is a scourge of humanity that we
have luckily moved past.
And it brings nothing positive to the world.
Let me ask you a question.
You got an iPhone?
[laughter]
I do.
Who do you think makes it?
I mean, Apple.
Kids, Sarah.
Chinese kids.
So hand over your iPhone unless you want to be a hypocrite.
I'm going to choose hypocrite.
That's what I thought.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going
to go sign up my neighbor's kid for the coal mines.
Kiss your pinkie ring goodbye, Kevin.
I'm coming.
Roy Wood Jr, everybody.