MOVING ON, WE'VE GOT A LOT OF GREAT SHOWS COMING UP,ER AND
WHAT WE WON'T HAVE IN-PERSON AUDIENCES FOR THE TIME BEING DUE
TO SAFETY PRECAUTIONS, PLEASE CHECK OUT PAST EPISODES IN ALL
OUR CAR POOL KARAOKE VIDEOS ON OUR YouTube PAGE, FOLLOW ME ON
TWITTER AT
" RHAMES ME ON VING, FIND ME A
FLIGHT ON KAYAK, SHOW ME AN OX ON MYYAK, MEET ME ON ZOOM, NAME
ME ON TUNE, CUDDLE ME ON SPOON, BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM WANT ME IN
YOUR ROOM, MANAGE ME ON GOOGLETASK, YELL AT ME ON WEAR A
MASK, FIND ME A PLAYLIST ON SPOTIFY, FIND ME A DANISH ON
SPOT-A-PIE, CHECK MY TEMP ON FAHRENHEIT, TALK LIKE TRUMP ON
YO-SEMITE, MESSAGE ME ON WHATSAPP, MEGAN THEE ON WHATSWAP
MATCH WITH ME ON BUMBLE, "GET KNOCKED DOWN!" ON CHUMBAWUMBLE
WET ME ON MOAT, SWAB ME ON THROAT, MILK ME ON OAT, "OH MY
GOD, NO, I CAN'T EAT ANOTHER THING" ON BLOAT, SET UP MY
WORKFLOW ON TO-DO-IST, GET ME A NEW PHONE ON YO, WHODIS?
MESSAGE ME ON GROUPME, GWYNETH ME ON GOOPME, CANCEL MY REZ ON
OPENTABLE, BETRAY MY BROTHER ON CAIN-N-ABEL, STREAM ME ON HULU,
LIVE YOUR TRUTH ON DOYOU!
BUY ME A GIFT ON SHOPIFY, FORGET SOMEONE'S NAME ON "HEY, BIG
GUY?" PAY ME TOMORROW ON PAYPAL, RAY
ME ROMANO ON RAYPAL, MAKE ME RICH ON P.O. TRADE, POWERS ME ON
OH, BEHAVE!
WATCH ANIME ON CRUNCHYROLL, MATILDA ME ON TRUNCHYBULL,
SUNDAY ME ON BRUNCHYSTROLL, GET MAD AT ME ON PUNCHYHOLE, CHAT ME
UP ON DISCORD, HIT ME UP ON DIS CORD, ORDER ME ON CAVIAR, TWIRL
MY STACHE ON HANDLEBAR OR, IF YOU WISH, FEEL FREE TO WRITE ME
AN OLD FASHIONED LETTER BY ADDRESSING IT TO TELEVISION CITY
STUDIOS, 7800 BEVERLY BOULEVARD, LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA 90036.
BECAUSE THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION MAY BE ACTIVELY
SABOTAGING THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE, THE ONLY WAY TO ENSURE
YOUR LETTER ACTUALLY GETS TO ME IS TO WRITE ME 25 LETTERS AND
DROP THEM OFF AT 25 DIFFERENT MAILBOXES.
AFTER A FEW DAYS, ONE OF YOUR LETTERS ARRIVES.
THE NEXT DAY, TWO MORE ARRIVE AND THE DAY AFTER THAT, I'LL
FIND SEVEN MORE IDENTICAL LETTERS IN MY MAILBOX, AT WHICH
POINT I'LL BE LIKE "OH, WOW.
SOMETHING'S OBVIOUSLY GONE WRONG HERE."
INSTEAD OF REPLYING, I'LL ALERT CBS SECURITY TO PUT YOU ON THE
LIST OF "HIGH-RISK FANS" AND QUIETLY BLAME MYSELF FOR SEEMING
TOO FRIENDLY AND APPROACHABLE ON AIR.
MEANWHILE, HAVING NEVER GOTTEN A RESPONSE, YOU'LL GROW
DISENCHANTED WITH CELEBRITY AND DECIDE TO DEDICATE YOUR LIFE TO
PUBLIC SERVICE, TAKING A JOB AT THE COUNTY CLERK'S OFFICE,
WORKING YOUR WAY UP TO CITY HALL AND EVENTUALLY WINNING A SENATE
SEAT.
YOU'LL HELP PASS MANY NEW LAWS THAT USHER IN THE FUTURE AND
THE PRESIDENT WILL APPOINT YOU AS POSTMASTER GENERAL OF THE
UNITED STATES.
YOU'LL DO THAT JOB FOR 30 YEARS.
ONE DAY, CURIOSITY WILL GET THE BEST OF YOU AND YOU'LL TYPE MY
NAME INTO THE MAIL DATABASE.
LOOKS LIKE YOUR OLD LETTERS TO ME WERE DELIVERED AFTER ALL.
ALL 25 OF THEM.
FURIOUS, YOU'LL TAKE THE DAY OFF, FLY TO L.A., SHOW UP AT THE
STUDIO GATES, STORM PAST SECURITY, WALK RIGHT UP TO MY
DESK AND CONFRONT ME ABOUT THE LETTERS.
AFTER EVERYTHING YOU SAY, I'LL JUST SIT THERE SILENTLY SMILING
UNTIL YOU GET SO FRUSTRATED YOU TAKE A SWING AT ME.
BUT YOUR FIST WILL GO RIGHT THROUGH MY HEAD AND MY IMAGE
WILL START TO FLICKER BECAUSE AT THIS POINT IN THE FUTURE CBS HAS
REPLACED ME WITH A CHEAPER, MORE EFFICIENT HOLOGRAM.
AND YOU, A FORMER SENATOR, WERE THE TIE-BREAKING VOTE THAT
PASSED THE "NO LIVE HOST HOLOGRAM" BILL.
HOW COULD YOU?
I'M GLAD I NEVER WROTE YOU BACK.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "LATE LATE SHOW."