In the ancient city of Rome, a man named Tiberius approached the Stoic philosopher Epictetus,
who was getting ready for his journey to Greece.
“Master Epictetus,” he cried, “Before you leave, please listen to me.
I’ve lost everything!
A fire destroyed my house, and all my belongings are gone.
I’m ruined!”
Epictetus listened patiently, and then said: “Tiberius, you are grieving over things
that were never truly yours.”
Tiberius looked confused that said: “What do you mean?
I worked hard for many years to acquire those possessions.
Of course they were mine!”
Epictetus shook his head and said: “Everything in this world is borrowed.
Our homes, our possessions, our loved ones, and even our bodies are nothing more than
temporary gifts we take care of until the assigner takes them away, which can happen
at any moment.
You’re not entitled to any of these things.
You’re only entitled to what’s yours, which are your opinions, attitude, pursuit,
or whatever are your own actions and choices.”
For most people, it’s difficult to accept that the things they feel entitled to have
(or not have) are, in reality, not owed to them.
In today’s world, the sense of entitlement seems rampant, focusing on selfish demands
and personal gains rather than collective benefits or contentment with what one already
has.
Society constantly reinforces this belief, convincing us that life owes us many things.
When we don’t get what we want, we become outraged, offended, and blame others for our
misery.
We can identify different forms of entitlement, like material entitlement, social entitlement,
or legal entitlement.
In all cases, we believe we deserve something; we have a right to have something.
And if we don’t get what we think we’re entitled to, we feel wronged and mistreated.
There are two main problems with entitlement.
Firstly, it’s logically flawed and delusional, based on individual beliefs, not reality.
Secondly, because of its illusory nature, entitlement generates emotional turmoil: even
though we believe we deserve something, reality fails to deliver it, leading to perpetual
dissatisfaction.
It’s essential to recognize that we can’t have it all, and what we do have is most likely
not ours to keep.
We’re not entitled to a picture-perfect partner who caters to our every whim, nor
does the universe owe us an idealized, wealthy individual sweeping us off our feet every
day.
The same goes for wealth, status, fame, or privilege.
This essay is not about blaming and shaming those who experience entitlement.
It’s an understandable phenomenon, often a product of cultural influences and misguided
societal messages.
Fortunately, the ancient Stoics provide clarity with their logical and rational approach to
existence, effectively debunking most (if not all) modern forms of entitlement.
This video explores Stoic philosophy regarding entitlement, why, in many cases, we don’t
deserve what we want, and what we can do to reduce our sense of entitlement.
The Stoics, particularly Epictetus, remind us that our sense of entitlement often arises
from a mistaken belief that we inherently deserve or possess things that, in reality,
do not belong to us.
In his Enchiridion, Epictetus advises us to recognize the true nature of the things we
desire, rely on, or cherish deeply.
For example, if we have a favorite ceramic cup, we should remind ourselves that it is
merely one of many ceramic cups worldwide.
Like all other objects, cups can break, be stolen, or be confiscated.
Even if they endure, they will eventually decay and vanish.
In every case, the nature of the cup is transient and uncertain, subject to the whims of Fortune,
not our desires.
This perspective extends to our relationships as well.
When expressing love to our spouse or children, Epictetus tells us to remember that we love
‘human beings’ who are inherently impermanent and subject to the unpredictable nature of
life.
We don’t own them, nor are we entitled to them.
If we were, according to Stoic logic, they wouldn’t be able to leave our side – but
inevitably, they will.
Furthermore, Epictetus emphasizes that we aren’t entitled to specific qualities in
others, such as virtuous parents or fair siblings.
Instead, we should concentrate on our own conduct and attitudes towards them, ensuring
that we uphold our moral compass, regardless of their actions.
Responding to someone who complained of a “bad father” and an “unjust brother,”
Epictetus remarked:
“You object that you’ve got a bad father.
Are you necessarily related to a good father?
No, only to a father.
Is your brother unfair to you?
Don’t dwell on his unfairness, but remember that he’s your brother.
Instead of analyzing what he does, analyze how you can keep your attitude calm.”
End quote.
Similarly, if we feel entitled to specific reactions or treatments by people, we could
decide not to dwell on the unfairness if we don’t get what we believe we deserve but
see how we can keep calm despite it.
In essence, Stoic philosophy teaches us that we are only entitled to the things within
our control.
Feeling entitled to something not within our control is delusional, as they don’t belong
to us, so there’s no ground for thinking that we deserve them in any way.
So, when it comes to entitlement, the world not giving us what we believe we earn isn’t
the problem.
The problem is believing we deserve something we don’t.
Yet, despite this logic, the sense of entitlement is widespread and seems to make many miserable.
So, what can we do about it?
In ancient Rome, there lived a senator who grew up in a wealthy family and was quite
successful in his life as a statesman and orator.
He realized, however, that he was attached to his wealth and, like most of his family,
he feared being poor.
So, he decided to spend a couple of weeks eating nothing but lentil soup and bread,
wearing the simplest of clothes and only drinking weak wine and vinegar water.
Even though he dreaded his choice in the beginning, he quickly adapted to his new lifestyle and
discovered it wasn’t bad at all.
In fact, he felt pretty good living in such simplicity, so he asked himself: “Is this
what I used to fear?”
The Stoic philosophers teach us that letting go of things that are not up to us is a powerful
means to enhance our well-being.
When we cling to material possessions, social status, or other external factors, we render
ourselves vulnerable to the whims of Fortune.
Our happiness becomes dependent on having our desires and expectations met.
As with the senator in the story (based on Seneca’s writings), temporarily detaching
from his wealth reduced his fear of being poor and made him less dependent on his wealth.
So, what does this have to do with entitlement?
As feeling entitled is based on desire and aversion, it breeds discontent, as our happiness
depends on receiving what we believe we deserve (or avoiding what we think we don’t deserve).
For example, if we insist on being treated kindly by everyone we encounter, we set ourselves
up for disappointment.
If people indeed treat us the way we want, we’re content.
But if they don’t, we’re outraged, offended, or whatever unhappy mental state this evokes.
Like the senator, we’re attached to something, namely, the thing we feel entitled to.
So, a logical solution would be to detach and let go of what we believe we deserve;
to simply make it less significant.
Didn’t Epictetus encourage his students to contempt the things not in their control?
As we’ve explored in the previous section: we’re not entitled to what isn’t ours
anyway.
So, why hold on to it?
In the case of not being treated kindly, here’s what Epictetus had to say:
“Remember: It’s not the person who calls you names or hits you who insults you – it’s
your own conclusion that these things are insulting.
Therefore, when someone annoys you, it’s your own attitude that’s annoying you.
So don’t be hypnotized by the seeming significance of the event; buy yourself some time, and
it’ll be easier to get your attitudes back into line.”
Entitled people often focus on things they don’t have but think they should have and
are deserving of.
But because of their entitlement, they often lose sight of the fact that they were once
blessed with the things they do have.
If we feel entitled to be treated with respect by everyone we meet, for example, and are
angry that some people don’t respect us, then we might forget to rejoice in the people
that do.
Or if we feel entitled to have picture-perfect partners but are sad because we can’t find
them, then we may not appreciate the people that actually are into us but don’t check
all of the boxes.
Through entitlement, we place conditions on life, which the universe is obliged to meet.
And if these conditions aren’t met, we feel we’re treated unfairly, as if we don’t
deserve to be in the circumstances we’re in.
We don’t deserve to be single.
We don’t deserve to be poor.
But still, it’s the way it is apparently, and often, despite our efforts to change the
situation.
But what if we stop focussing on the things we feel we’re lacking and believe we deserve
to have and, instead, focus on the things we do have?
In addition to letting go of our attachments to the things we feel entitled to, as explored
earlier, we could also cultivate an enjoyment of what we do have.
Seneca wrote about this in his 18th moral letter to Lucilius, explaining that above
the many fleeting pleasures we find in the world, there’s the highest kind of pleasure,
which is that one can derive pleasure from the simplest things; having reduced one’s
needs to such a small amount, that it’s almost impossible for Fortune to snatch away
what makes us happy.
Hence, Seneca wrote:
“..let us become intimate with poverty, so that Fortune may not catch us off our guard.
We shall be rich with all the more comfort, if we once learn how far poverty is from being
a burden.”
End quote.
If we’re content with the minimum, do we need any privileges or special treatment?
Sure, these may be nice, but we won’t be unhappy if we don’t have them.
In fact, we may even, like Seneca, rejoice in the fact that to be happy and content,
we don’t need all those things that so many people around us feel entitled to.
Let others be miserable that they don’t have that wonderful romantic partner that
they lay claim to or be angry because they don’t get treated how they demand to be
treated by the world.
Again, according to Seneca, the highest pleasure lies in deriving pleasure from not needing
all these things.
And, in the case of entitlement: all these things many claim to be worthy of.
Instead, we may want to follow Epictetus’ words of wisdom, saying:
“Ask not that events should happen as you will, but let your will be that events should
happen as they do, and you shall have peace.”
Stoicism is a philosophy that embraces the interconnectedness of all living beings, emphasizing
that we are part of a larger whole - a global community (or global village), if you will.
This idea is evident in the writings of Marcus Aurelius, who stated:
“Keep reminding yourself of the way things are connected, of their relatedness.
All things are implicated in one another and in sympathy with each other.”
End quote.
The Stoics believed that humans, as rational beings, should strive to work in harmony with
one another and with the natural order of the universe.
This sense of interconnectedness is fundamentally at odds with entitlement, as entitlement is
rooted in self-centeredness and the belief that we deserve special treatment or privileges,
which can lead to a disregard for the needs and feelings of others.
When we focus solely on ourselves and our desires, we create division and conflict,
undermining the harmony within our global village.
Contemplating our interconnectedness can help reduce entitlement by shifting our focus from
our individual needs and wants to the greater good.
When we recognize that we are part of a larger community and that our actions affect others,
we become more inclined to take other people’s well-being into account.
In his 95th letter to Lucilius, Seneca wrote that we are all limbs of one great body.
When we consider our relationships with others in this way, it becomes clear that entitlement
is akin to one limb of the body demanding more resources than what it’s already given,
disrupting the balance and well-being of the whole.
As Marcus Aurelius reminds us in the 6th book of his Meditations, “What injures the hive,
injures the bee.”
Feeling entitled is the illusory notion of deserving things that don’t belong to us.
But to find contentment in this fleeting, ever-changing world, clinging to things we
might never have or can be taken away in a heartbeat, may not be the smartest option.
Instead, by accepting what we have and deriving pleasure from not needing what many (unjustly)
claim to be worthy of, we might get closer to what Epictetus called ‘the feast of the
gods.’
Thank you for watching.