what I've noticed is that the times that I feel really wounded are the times where
I feel rejection so having my you know mother passed away when I was young or my best friend
died dot was hard but it didn't feel I didn't feel traumatized by it it was very hard but
around the same time having a one girl friend and then another breakup with me that sounds
like lighter or easier but interestingly it wasn't it was devastating like for you know
years and South oh oh okay so you know someone choosing no longer to be in relationship you
know and very nice like oh I love you but I'm it's done we're moving on that that's why you
know use this word rejection of phobic like that it feels like that's a place of resistance and
it doesn't it's a stubbornness like no you know how can you were in love and it even
you know decades later it just I can see it's showing up and friendships and and my primary
relationship this exaggerated fear or you know of you know not being liked appreciated loved
and that feels like a taproot of ego and that's what I wanted to kind of check in with you about
I remember when I parted from my first girlfriend we had been together for about
three years and I guess I was about 21 or so I thought you were just going to live happily
ever after so you're gonna have four kids and get married and just live happily and
then she called me one day to tell me it was over just out of the blue like that I no idea
it was coming and just just in a three minute telephone call the bottom just fell out of my
world and I was faced before I was able to rationalize it in my mind I was faced with
them with a realization that I had invested all my happiness in a person in one person
my happiness was so conditional not only was it invested in one
person but it was invested in that person behaving a particular way
and in fact what I wanted that person to do was invest her happiness in me then we
could kind of be glued together in this pact of both investing their happiness
in each other and then our love or happiness would be secure and then one day she told me
no my happiness is not invested in you it's investing in somebody else sorry
and actually if we invest our happiness in anyone or anything
at some stage we're going to be faced with this
with this feeling of being led down feeling of being abandoned or rejected
it's inevitable it has to be that way if we invest our happiness in an object a situation
a person a state of mind because all objects situations people that are intermittent sooner
or later we're going to be abandoned it's a law it can't be any other way
so don't the feeling of be a body being abandoned abandoned is being
let down on is the symptom but the causes is much deeper than that that causes this
investment of our happiness in an object in this case in a person in a relationship
and the cure for that cause is not to get busy with the person with the relationship
but to discover where happiness really resides in the simple knowing of your own being once
you discover that then you never again invest your happiness in anyone or anything you're free
if you find somebody that you like and that you can share this happy
happiness with then that's beautiful you get together for a few weeks or
a few years or a few decades or for the rest of your life
but the purpose of being together with that person is not to find happiness not to find love
if we approach another person with the desire to derive happiness or love from them the
relationship is doomed at best it will just be a pact between two people investing their happiness
in each other there can't be true intimacy there can't be true love its dependency it's not love
it looks like love from the outside but it's not it's actually fear it's fear of losing one another
masquerading as love for one another actually I'm not suggesting there isn't
love in that kind of a relationship but it's a relationship that is held together by fear
fear of being abandoned fear of loss so we should be very courageous in relationships
and face clearly the fact that happiness can never be derived
from an object or person that we really have to be courageous to face that fact
so that our relationships intimate or otherwise free of expectations
free of demands free of the fear of loss
so that what holds a relationship together for as long as it holds together is simply the love
of being together simply the just the joy of sharing this love together and expressing it
so that that's what I would encourage you to explore that the
the feeling that your happiness is dependent on anything or anyone and strangely if we discover
in a relationship that our happiness is not dependent on the other it chance it's
possible that we might decide to separate but it's more likely in a relationship such
as yours where there's obviously real now at the root the relationship would actually
improve as in other words the more freedom you give each other the less you need from
one another the less you demand from one another but less your happiness is invested
in one another the greater the depth of the love between you the more playful the more
humorous the more warm-hearted the most wanted and most freedom there is in the relationship
nothing binding you together but chances are you'll stay together
just out of love and if you don't then you part in love that's also fine
thank you