♪♪
-We're going to get to the news.
Former President Trump defended his children over the weekend
against the New York State Attorney General Letitia James'
lawsuit, and said, quote, "Ivanka --
Ivanka is a very good person. Don Jr., he's a good person.
Eric -- Eric -- these are good people."
So, if there's one thing -- one thing he's learned
from this lawsuit, it's all of their names.
[ Laughter ]
According to a new report, President Biden initially
worried his student debt forgiveness plan wouldn't
go over well with working-class people,
and told his advisers, quote,
"The federal government shouldn't be bailing out
Ivy League graduates."
I mean, at least not until they become bank presidents.
[ Laughter ]
You guys, I got Bernie Sanders backstage.
I'm going to play to him a little bit, all right?
[ Laughter ]
At the Global Citizen music festival in New York
over the weekend House Speaker Nancy Pelosi
appeared to be booed by the crowd.
To be fair, she completely flubbed her solo.
[ Laughter ]
Florida governor Ron DeSantis
has warned of potential evacuation orders
this week in advance of Hurricane Ian.
The two aren't related, he just loves kicking people out.
[ Laughter ]
According to a new book about his business dealings,
former president Trump once received a lease payment
in boxes of gold bricks
and asked his security guard, Matthew Calamari,
to bring them to his Trump Tower apartment.
Is it just me or does every new Trump story sound
like a 9-year-old wrote a mafia movie?
[ Laughter ]
[Mobster accent] "Forget about it, Calamari.
This town belongs to Johnny Pizza."
[ Laughter ]
[Normally] House Republicans on Friday
announced their new Congressional platform,
which featured a quote misattributed
to Abraham Lincoln.
Apparently, he never actually said
"Disney+ is grooming our children."
[ Laughter ]
Kanye West appeared to comment on his divorce
with Kim Kardashian in an Instagram story yesterday
and said, quote, "London, I know how you feel.
I lost my Queen too."
It's sweet that he thinks Kim is a queen,
but weird that he thinks London is a country.
[ Laughter ]
"Oh, oh, well aren't you the Queen of London?"
[ Light laughter ]
In an upcoming book, former President Trump describes
"New York Times" reporter Maggie Haberman
as his psychiatrist, or that's just what he calls
any lady with glasses.
[ Light laughter ]
Former FBI director James Comey, announced recently
that he will release a mystery novel series.
Let me guess, Hillary did it?
[ Laughter ]
Or she didn't, or she maybe did, but you're unclear about it?
A teen in Canada recently set a Guinness world record
after putting 22 socks on one foot in 30 seconds,
all because her father refuses to let anyone
touch the thermostat.
[ Laughter ]
NYU will offer a new course this fall
focused on singer Lana Del Rey's music.
To qualify, you must have completed at least two semesters
of Lexapro.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, according to a new survey,
more than half of Americans said that they have muted themselves
during a virtual meeting to pass gas.
Even worse, the other half just didn't.
[ Laughter ]
According to estimates from the Congressional Budget Office,
President Biden's plan to forgive $10,000 per borrower
in Federal Student loan debt will cost nearly $400 billion.
Or, in student loan terms, $27 a month
for 30 billion years.
[ Laughter ]
According to new data, coronavirus cases
are rising in the U.K., maybe because last week,
the entire country attended the same event.
[ Laughter ]
The White House announced yesterday that President Biden
will host French President
Emmanuel Macron later this year.
Which is great, but can we say no gifts this time?
[ Laughter ]
[ French accent ] "We noticed you did not have
a 305-foot woman, and..."
[ Laughter ]
"New York famously has much space, oui?"
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] That's -- so, in 2022,
one of our monologue writers were like, "Enough.
I'm going after the Statue of Liberty."
[ Laughter ]
Republican Congressman Matt Gaetz announced last week
that he is starting his own Twitch
streaming channel, and tweeted, "I'm joining Twitch to bring
my America-first message to a new generation of voters."
Previously, the only way he reached a new generation
of voters was on Venmo.
[ Laughter ]
Scientists recently discovered vaccine-resistant coronavirus
in Russian bats.
It's what Putin's calling Plan B.
[ Laughter ]
"Release the bats."
[ Laughter ]
A panel of doctors recommended last week that all adults
under 65-years-old
should be regularly screened for anxiety.
Said adults, "How regularly? Like, once a year?
Once a month? Every day?
Should we screen every day?
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Rolling Stone" yesterday published an updated
list of the 100 greatest TV shows of all-time.
And I don't want to brag, but I read the whole list.
[ Laughter ]
Not bad, not bad.
100, read 'em all.
[ Laughter ]
According to a new survey, 24% of Americans said
that they found it very easy to make friends as a teenager,
and the other 76% are the people they bullied.
[ Laughter ]
A woman in North Dakota was arrested recently
after she allegedly brought a wild raccoon into a bar.
Said the woman, "Oh, I thought you said it was rabies night."
[ Light laughter ]
[ Laughter ]
So, the premise of Brian -- I'll say his name --
the premise of Brian's joke...
[ Laughter ]
...is that you would hear a bar was having "ladies night"
and you would hear it as "rabies night."
[ Laughter ]
Maybe that's a symptom that you have rabies.
[ Laughter ]
You're home with your pet raccoon,
and it bites you, and then, like, an hour later,
you're like, "Did I hear rabies night?"
[ Laughter ]
And finally -- we just let 'em all in, guys.
We're just finding out with you
if they're good or not, you know?
[ Laughter ]
And finally, according to a new survey,
78% of animal owners said that seeing their pet
when they come home is the best part of their day.
Worst part of their day, when their spouse
heard them say that.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden announced yesterday
that his administration will lower the cost of insulin
for everyone, regardless of their Medicare status.
And not a moment too soon.
[ Laughter ]
We didn't make that. That's an actual product.
During the same event at the White House yesterday,
President Biden pulled out a copy
of Florida senator Rick Scott's 12-point plan to rescue America
and said that it could end Social Security and Medicare.
Oh, that'll be popular in Florida.
[ Laughter ]
What's his next idea?
Abolishing visits from grandkids?
According to a new book, former president Trump
would tell White House visitors that he had a secret bathroom.
And visitors would tell him, "Sir, that's just a closet."
[ Laughter ]
[ As Trump ] That's part of the secret.
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] The book also claims that while meeting
then-president Barack Obama in 2016 after being elected,
former president Trump asked Obama
how he kept his approval ratings so high.
"What'd he say," asked Biden.
[ Laughter ]
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said yesterday
that he will support the bipartisan bill
to reform the Electoral Count Act of 1887.
I guess he still feels bad after voting no the first time.
[ Laughter ]
Britain's Prince George reportedly told his classmates,
"My dad will be king, so you better watch out."
[ Laughter ]
Which, you have to admit,
is a crushing comeback for a 9-year-old.
"Tag, you're it."
"If by it you mean the once and future king!"
New York mayor Eric Adams announced yesterday
that he will launch a chess council
to develop more plant-based recipes
for public school lunches.
Meanwhile, most of the high school students
will continue to enjoy plant-based recess.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, after receiving criticism from viewers,
Netflix removed the LGBTQ tag from its new series
about serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer.
On the downside, they left the food and travel tag.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden today declared a major disaster in Florida,
and then Florida in turn declared Biden a major disaster.
[ Laughter ]
The White House released a 44-page plan yesterday
to fight hunger.
It's just the Cheesecake Factory menu.
[ Laughter ]
Before the government runs out of money tomorrow,
Congress is reportedly set to pass stopgap legislation
to keep the government funded through 2 1/2 more months.
Is it just me, or is the government always
waiting until the last minute to fund itself?
The federal government is like a kid running for the school bus
with one pant leg on holding a waffle.
[ Laughter ]
Queen Elizabeth's death certificate was released today
and said that she died of old age,
a condition she battled for nearly 30 years.
[ Laughter ]
At a recent panel, Texas Senator Ted Cruz
was booed by the crowd after he said that
the best way to stop school shootings
was to increase police presence on campuses.
Cruz hadn't been booed that bad
since the last time he walked into his house.
"Hey, family."
"Boo!"
Republican operatives in Pennsylvania
are reportedly trying to push the unfounded theory
that Democratic Senate candidate and lieutenant governor
John Fetterman is affiliated with a gang.
Even worse, they're trying to push the unfounded theory
that Dr. Oz is affiliated with Pennsylvania.
[ Laughter ]
The Netflix reality dating show "Love Is Blind"
is reportedly casting for a new season
to be set in Washington, D.C.
Said one contestant, "Okay, so he's really quiet,
but an amazing listener."
[ Laughter ]
In a new interview, Tom Hanks said that
he made a ton of movies, but added that he thinks
"four of them are pretty good,"
and then Vin Diesel said, "I've also made a ton of movies."
[ Laughter ]
Tom Hanks announced in the same interview
that next year he will release his debut novel,
and no surprise here --
it's called "World War II in Space."
[ Light laughter ]
Maybe a little surprise here.
And finally the airline Virgin Atlantic yesterday
unveiled its new gender-neutral uniform policy.
Flight attendants can choose to wear
either pants, a skirt,
or the Chalamet.
[ Laughter ]
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