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That Time My Bard Fathered A Village & Gave Us The Most Absurd Adventure Ever
Hi everyone.
All Things DnD is back with another story.
We all know bards love to seduce anything that’s breathing but this is the most absurd,
gross, and outrageous bard seduction story I have ever heard.
Just a warning though, you should stop right now but this just gets so interesting that
in the end, it turned out great.
As much as I love bard stories, this one is pretty weird.
Just let us know what you thought of this seductively amazing bard after you listen
to this:
I’m DMing a group with a… problematic bard.
So I decided to have a little fun with him.
They have just found a demon who has been terrorising the townspeople.
She is a macabre mix of beauty and horror, taking the form of a young woman in a wedding
dress, stained red with blood and singed with hellfire.
Her slender arms ending in copper claws and her feet with wooden clogs.
A single bat-like wing on her right side and a Scorpion tail swing from her back.
Her face, still lovely but with makeup smeared from sobbing endlessly.
In an age before she was a bride to be.
Struck down in a tragic accident on her wedding day, her beloved married another in less then
a year.
Full of anger, regret, sorrow and above all envy, she vowed that if she couldn't be a
bride then no one will.
"I use Detect magic and detect evil.
I want to see how strong she is."
The sorcerer said.
"Her power as an individual is not beyond your scope.
But she has taken the life force of dozens of women in this village.
If she dies they will die as well.
However, you don't detect any evil.
She isn't really a monster, just in pain that has festered a long time."
I replied.
"Is there anything we can give you that will make you leave these people alone, willingly?"
The fighter asked.
"I will make a deal with you.
But only in exchange for the life of your first child.
So that I can have the family I always dreamed.
And should you not give me any children, I shall instead take your immortal soul."
The demon hissed.
Bard, who is currently childless, says, "I will make that deal.
My first child's life for the lives of these innocent people."
"The pact is sealed," the demon said with a glint in her eye.
"I roll to seduce the Demon."
"What?"
"17.
With my charisma, that's 23.
Is that a success?"
The bard asked.
"Well…
I guess.
But it's a demon.
I'm pretty sure you can't-"
"I roll for impregnation.
20."
He interrupted.
"... Ok. 9 months later she gives birth to… rolls random dice triplets.
Two boys and a girl.
Also she… rolls more dice and is obsessed with you and will be silently watching you.
Providing minor benefits throughout the rest of the journey and waiting for moments where
you are alone in the Dark so she can meet you again."
"Awesome.
Demon waifu."
"Also she's the jealous type and will attack any girl you try to flirt with.
And probably you as well."
I warned him.
The Bard, who up to this point has been trying to seduce literally every female character
that has been met up to this point, and had made his stats designed pretty much entirely
for persuasion via seduction, says: "Oh.
Crap."
He took the situation somewhat seriously and didn't flirt with any girls for a while.
So I started to tease him.
The female NPCs progressively became more and more attractive as the game went on with
more details about their sexy bodies every time I introduced a new one.
So before I would describe a female orc like this:
"She is tall and strong with wild hair and armor sporadically placed on her body."
But then I began to describe them in much more vivid… graphic… and honestly gross
detail.
The Bard roleplayed it pretty great, too.
He was always fighting himself not to flirt.
Tripping on words and actively trying to prevent his more basic urges from taking control.
What's really funny is how this affected his relationship with the demon.
I never gave her a name so he just called her waifu, and since this is medieval times
she didn't know what that meant and just took it as him calling her wife in elvish or something.
Yeah, he was an elf.
Anyway, he would get super frustrated at all these sexy girls and not being able to take
out his urges.
So when he would meet with his waifu he would describe each night as hour long intimate
sessions that lasted until both their bodies would give out from exhaustion.
Which made the Waifu think he was super into her.
Which made her love him even more.
She never really joined the party proper because kids, but would hang around from time to time
to cook breakfast and be a generally attentive loving wife character to the Bard.
This came to a head when they needed to save a princess in a tower.
It was guarded by a dragon that was waaaaay out of their League power wise.
After avoiding the dragon and getting past a variety of traps, the Bard was the only
one to make it to the princess.
The Princess immediately jumped on him.
Saying that she is trapped by a curse tied to her virginity and to break the curse she
needs to… well you can guess.
Obviously, Waifu went nuts and the two got into this huge catfight.
Then the dragon comes in and transforms into human form and starts getting into a catfight
as well.
I tell the rest of the group that the bard and I are going to step out for a bit for
this next part.
See, as it turns out the Princess and the Dragon are friends and this entire scenario
is just a ploy to get her a man.
The Princess is a decently talented spell caster, and all the traps and illusions the
group ran into were her doing.
She fell for the Bard immediately and that's why he was the only one to get past them.
The Dragon was also herding the rest of the group away from the tower.
The thing is the dragon had actually targeted the Bard several times, so he got suspicious.
He asked to roll intuition on the Dragon's intentions.
Turns out the dragon is also a she and that she had actually been roped into working for
the royal family some 5 centuries ago.
She was resentful that she had to serve these puny mortals.
And especially resentful of the princess and her desire to get a man since she hadn't been
with a male since being forced into this deal.
And being middle aged by dragon standards, her biological clock was ticking.
She still had about 80 years but to a dragon that's no time at all.
So the Bard, with all this information, says exactly what I hoped he would.
"I roll to seduce them all."
Bard rolls once for each, all getting in the high teens.
I then have him roll a few more times for things like stamina, pleasures etc.
And one final roll where he again gets all high numbers.
Then me and Bard return to the group.
I grab some dice.
A D4, a D6 and 5 D20s.
They get a 2, a 4 and I think it was like 67 or something for the last.
It was well above 50, I remember that.
That's how many kids he just made with the princess, demon and dragon respectively.
All three women decide they can share the Bard.
And by combining their various magical abilities, they made sure that when Bard finally dies
his soul will be tied to them physically and spiritually.
Essentially becoming their ghastly boytoy for the next millenia at the least.
And that's how my bard got a monster girl harem and enough kids to start his own village.
Also, just to be clear on one thing: the Princess and Dragon encounter was planned out well
before the thing with the demon bride happened.
Originally she was going to be possessed by a demon Goddess who wanted a strong male to
father a new generation of monsters for her army.
But I changed it to this instead just to screw with the Bard.
Yes, the group was in on it.
We don't normally do sexual things but since this was just to punish the Bard everyone
was cool with it.
The slash phase lasted about three sessions and I stopped after this Princess and Dragon
thing.
Everyone was over the joke by then.
The Bard player was not some pervert who needed to RP his sexual fantasies.
He just played the Bard as a massive pervert.
It was a troll character.
He likes to make troll characters by taking whatever stereotypes there are about a class
and ramping them up to the enth.
Like when he was playing a rogue in another game the guy would go on rants about his tragic
backstory every half hour or so.
A backstory that changed constantly.
It later turned out he was just an in-game edge lord who grew up in an underclass safe
suburban area and made up the backstory thing.
That's just how this player likes to make characters.
Lastly, I went with this angle because without the seduction thing the Bard had no character.
His one defining trait was trying to sex ladies.
And not being allowed to do that aside from THE one time he meets the demon every few
weeks in game.
He had zero personality.
So I came up with the teasing angle to force reactions out of the character.
And after the Princess and Dragon fiasco, the Bard finally got a new character profile.
Being an overworked dad who has to find ways to please all three of his wives and make
some kind of time for his 60+ kids while also adventuring.
It was honestly great.
Thank you for listening!
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What a wild ride.
I still feel gross after hearing it but each table is different.
I’m glad everyone was in on it.
Please let us know what you think and comment below!
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