• From obvious death traps to slides designed by deviants, we count nine inappropriate playgrounds
that will scar your child for life!
9 – Russian Terrors, • Russians are kind of famous for being
intensely serious, and I think we may have just discovered why.
It turns out their children’s playground equipment is the stuff of nightmares!
• Some of these are strange and surreal interpretations of classic Russian children’s
characters.
But others are just cheaply made and turned into horror shows when they were left to deteriorate.
• Look, I wasn’t expecting to find rainbows when I pulled back the iron curtain, but some
of this shit is just terrifying!
“You will play and you will have fun!
For Mother Russia!”
8 – Penis Park, • If you think childhood innocence is worth
preserving, then you should definitely keep your kids away from this suggestive playground
equipment.
• It seems wascally playground designer Pedo Pete is at it again!
This time he wants you to slide down, hang off and climb on his favourite dick-shaped
constructions.
• Of course Pete’s favourite is this beautiful climbing sculpture.
To the untrained eye it looks like a phallic Christmas tree lit up with every STD under
the sun.
But to Pete it’s a work of art.
7 – Creepy Playgrounds, • Different countries have different standards
about what’s acceptable for kids.
But I can say without hesitation that only a fucking madman would approve these.
• I mean, what part of ‘severed monkey heads’, ‘demonic gargoyle’ or ‘giant
child-eating witch’ made for acceptable playground proposals?
• You just know the kids who were dared to go near these things after dark were never
heard from again… 6 – Titanic Bouncy Castle,
• Every kid loves a good bouncy castle.
Especially drunk frat boys.
But why settle for ordinary-themed ones like Disney Princesses or Ninja Turtles when you
can pay tribute to 15,000 dead people instead?
• The Titanic-themed bouncy castle takes one of history’s most tragic disasters and
transforms it into hours of slipping sliding fun!
“I’m the king of the world!”
5 – Safety Hazards, • Has your kid been a total shit this week?
Feel you doling out some unorthodox punishment?
Take ’em to one these playgrounds!
• The people who constructed this equipment had only one concern: fun!
As far as they’re concerned, safety is for pussies.
So what if your child has a fatal accident – at least they’ll die having fun!
What more could a kid want?
• As you can see kids can choose their favourite death.
They can come off a poorly constructed jungle gym and break their necks, slide right off
into an open chasm, or take the slow painful option and die from tetanus.
I tell you, kids these days are spoiled for choice.
4 – Slide, • For most kids zipping down a slide is
the highlight of any trip to the playground.
Nothing – and I mean nothing – beats conquering a fear of heights and soaring along on your
butt at amazing speeds!
• This makes it kind of a shame the idiots responsible for these slides got it so horribly
wrong.
I mean, you don’t even need a dirty mind like mine to see how inappropriate these are.
• They’re clearly designed by and for childless old men.
You know the trench coat-wearing type who sit on park benches all day pretending they’re
‘feeding the pigeons’.
“That’s it, Billy…
Go down the slide again…
You’re such a good boy, Billy…”
3 – Bear Friendly, • Forget Frozen, bear-themed playgrounds
are the next big thing.
To cash in, amateur playground designers are putting out sculptures and equipment that
vaguely resemble bears.
I least I think they’re bears.
They could be fucking yetis.
Or Wookies.
• Whatever they are these playgrounds have proven so effective that they’ve attracted
actual real-life bears!
This is great.
Now kids can learn important life lessons like how to share with fucking bears!
2 – Human Centipede Kid Edition, • Most people would agree the movie Human
Centipede isn’t for kids.
I mean, there’s got to be a better way to teach them about human anatomy…
• Well, apparently this playground designer didn’t get the memo.
The sick genius even managed to one-up the film by creating an interspecies centipede.
• “Daddy, what’s that lizard doing to that man?”
“I don’t know, Jimmy…
I don’t know…” 1 – Clowning Around,
• Clowns are supposed to be funny and delightful – at least according to parents.
So why the hell is every playground representation of one creepy as shit?
• Let’s all laugh along at Bozo the Clown!
Watch as he honks his horn and slits your throat!
• Seriously, it’s no wonder kids these days prefer staying inside playing video games.