- PORTIA AND I DID SO MUCH THIS PAST WEEKEND.
LISTEN TO THESE ACTIVITIES:
TENNIS, GOLF, BALLROOM DANCING, MOTOCROSS RACING.
THOSE WERE ALL THINGS WE SAW ON TV.
[laughter and applause]
WE SAW ALL OF THAT.
AND WE SAW SOME FOOTBALL.
WE WATCHED SOME FOOTBALL AS WELL,
WHICH MEANS WE SAW A LOT OF COMMERCIALS
AND LEARNED SOME INTERESTING THINGS.
NUMBER ONE: PIZZA HUT IS WILLING TO SHOVE ANYTHING
INTO ITS CRUST.
[laughter]
[chuckles]
NUMBER TWO: EVERY OTHER COMMERCIAL
IS FOR CIALIS.
[laughter]
THE THING ABOUT THE CIALIS COMMERCIALS IS,
THEY SHOW COUPLES DOING ACTIVITIES TOGETHER,
AND THE HUSBAND GETS IN THE "MOOD" DOING--
YOU KNOW, SOME OF THE ACTIVITIES ARE NORMAL.
TENNIS-- YOU SEE THE TENNIS, YOU KNOW,
AND THEN HE HITS HER ON HER BUTT, YOU KNOW.
IT'S THE BEGINNING OF KNOWING HE'S IN THE MOOD
WHEN IT GOES...
THEN THERE'S RANDOM ACTIVITIES LIKE--
HAVE YOU SEEN THE PAINTING THE BENCH?
THEY'RE PAINT--OR THEY'RE PRETENDING TO PAINT A BENCH.
THERE'S NOTHING ON THE BRUSH.
THEY'RE--
AND HE'S REALLY TURNED ON BY THAT.
TAKE A LOOK.
- YOU MAKE A GREAT TEAM.
IT'S BEEN THAT WAY SINCE THE DAY YOU MET.
BUT YOUR ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION?
IT COULD BE A QUESTION OF BLOOD FLOW.
CIALIS TADALAFIL FOR DAILY USE
HELPS YOU BE READY ANY TIME THE MOMENT'S RIGHT.
YOU CAN BE MORE CONFIDENT IN YOUR ABILITY TO BE READY.
[laughter and applause]
- IF THAT TURNS HIM ON, WHAT DOESN'T?
ACTUALLY, I CAN'T TELL
IF SEEING HIS WIFE PAINTING A BENCH GETS HIM EXCITED,
OR HE NEEDS TO TAKE CIALIS,
OR IF HE ALREADY TOOK IT AND THE CIALIS IS KICKING IN
AT THE WRONG TIME.
AND THEN THE NEW--
HAVE YOU SEEN THE VIAGRA COMMERCIAL?
THEY HIRED A WOMAN.
FOR THE FIRST TIME,
THEY HAVE A WOMAN SPOKESPERSON.
AND SHE IS VERY, VERY BLUNT.
- [English accent] SO, GUYS,
IT'S JUST YOU AND YOUR HONEY.
THE SETTING IS PERFECT.
BUT THEN ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION HAPPENS AGAIN.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
PLENTY OF GUYS HAVE THIS ISSUE--
NOT JUST GETTING AN ERECTION, BUT KEEPING IT.
WELL, VIAGRA HELPS GUYS WITH E.D.
GET AND KEEP AN ERECTION,
AND YOU ONLY TAKE IT WHEN YOU NEED IT.
ASK YOUR DOCTOR IF VIAGRA IS RIGHT FOR YOU.
[laughter]
- SO SHE'S BRITISH.
SHE CAN MAKE ANYTHING SOUND CLASSY, BUT--
I'M NOT SURE IF I MENTIONED THIS BEFORE,
BUT VIAGRA ORIGINALLY ASKED ME TO DO THE COMMERCIAL
AND BE THEIR SPOKESPERSON.
AND I DID IT, AND I THOUGHT IT WENT WELL,
BUT I GUESS THEY DECIDED TO GO WITH HER.
BUT HERE'S THE COMMERCIAL THAT I MADE FOR THEM.
- [English accent] HELLO, MEN.
IT'S ME, ELLEN DEGENERES.
[normal voice] LISTEN, I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.
I DON'T HAVE AN ACCENT,
AND WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR...
DOWNSTAIRS AREA,
I DON'T KNOW HOW ANY OF IT WORKS,
AND FRANKLY, I DON'T CARE.
BUT I KNOW WHEN YOU CAN'T
WAKE UP SLEEPY JOE, IT'S A NIGHTMARE.
IT'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.
PLENTY OF MEN CAN'T GET THEIR NOODLES AL DENTE.
SO IF YOUR SOLDIER WON'T SALUTE,
THEN VIAGRA IS FOR YOU.
SURE, THERE'S LOTS OF "PROBLEMS" IN THE WORLD--
CRIME, THE ECONOMY, GLOBAL WARMING--
BUT THIS IS IMPORTANT.
WE NEED TO FIX YOUR...
[whistles]
[imitates explosion]
ALL YOU NEED IS ONE OF THESE LITTLE BLUE PILLS.
I FELL OFF THE BED.
[chuckles]
BUT I HAVE TO WARN YOU,
IF YOU HAVE DIZZINESS, DIFFICULTY SLEEPING,
OR IF YOUR COBRA REMAINS CHARMED FOR MORE THAN FOUR HOURS,
PLEASE, PLEASE SEE A DOCTOR.
SO IF YOU THINK VIAGRA IS RIGHT FOR YOU,
TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR OR YOUR HEALTH CARE PROVIDER.
JUST DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT IT.
YUCKY.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]