A good disguise is hard to find.
I mean that both literally and metaphorically.
(suspenseful instrumental music)
MI6 agents often wear disguises to escape
life threatening situations.
Today I'm going to be trained by an MI6 agent
on how to wear a practical disguise.
Apparently, sneaking around the city wearing a couch
is both impractical and something a (bleeping) would do.
Now, I've become a love seat.
(dramatic instrumental music)
What experience do you have
working for the British government?
25 years in the British Army,
five of which were in the Special Air Service,
and 18 years in Manchester's Secret Intelligence Service.
Your book says that you've been arrested.
You are clearly not in jail right now.
WTF?
I was arrested for murder,
which I was subsequently clear of, and released.
I was arrested for diamond smuggling in Sierra Leone,
which I have not been cleared of.
I managed to escape from Sierra Leone.
What does an MI6 agent do?
I was trained in a number of skills.
I was a very well-trained helicopter pilot,
unarmed combat,
trained free-fall parachutist,
infiltration and exfiltration
into hostile territory,
embark, disembark from submarines.
Surveillance, anti-surveillance,
and counter-surveillance.
Improvise disguises.
Not long-term disguises, but be able to
change your disguise very quickly,
so we could lose a surveillance team.
So, now I'm going to ask you a favor.
I need your help disappearing.
Will you take me under your wing and train me
and treat me like a son and give me all of your skills,
so that I can escape a private investigator
who's following me?
It's not gonna be easy,
but we'll certainly give it our best shot.
For today's challenge I'm going to learn lessons
from this MI6 agent and try using them
to escape a private investigator.
I'm going to follow your strategy suggestions.
If your strategy is successful,
and I do a great job of listening to you
and wearing a disguise,
I would like you to write a letter of recommendation
for me to work at MI6.
OK.
If your strategy does not work, I will punish you.
I will make you write a 30 second song
in a musical genre you do not like
and then we will record a music video
of you performing it.
There's only one genre I hate.
Country and western.
Is it too slow for you?
No, it's just the pathetic
lyrics involved.
(eerie atmospheric music)
What do you think my chances of success are?
90% that you're gonna succeed.
I think I'm 100% going to succeed.
OK, nothing better.
Let's go for it.
Great.
OK. Thank you.
For the next two hours, the MI6 agent
will take me under his wing and train me.
I know everyone hates school, so I won't bore you
with two hours of me learning (bleeping).
Instead, I'll show you a three second training montage.
What you're wearing.
We just turn.
Yep, too much color.
I wish high school was only three seconds of learning.
Am I right?
No one is in the room with me.
In all honesty, I'll show the relevant highlights
of my MI6 training later, when it's necessary.
Right now it's time to meet the private investigator
I'm challenging today.
How many years have to been a private investigator?
I've been a private investigator for nearly 20 years now.
What does a private investigator do?
A private investigator can do many things.
I specialize in surveillance.
When people ask you what your profession is,
do you say, I'm a sneaky boy?
No.
Now I'm going to challenge you.
(eerie atmospheric music)
Very intense.
I'm going to give you 30 minutes to follow me.
At the end of those 30 minutes, if you see me,
you can touch me and I will fall to the ground.
OK.
If at the end of these 30 minutes, you win,
I will give you my respect.
I don't need your respect.
If I win this challenge, I will punish you
by making you watch me eat a bowl of cereal.
What kind of cereal?
Cinnamon Toast Crunch, baby.
Oh.
Ken, I wish you the best of luck.
Thank you.
- [Mike Voiceover] Here are the rules for today's challenge.
Mike has 30 minutes to escape
from the private investigator.
Mike cannot run away or enter any vehicles.
After 30 minutes, Mike will stand still.
If the investigator touches him, Mike loses
and he will shatter like ice.
(dramatic orchestral music)
The challenge begins in three, two, one.
(suspenseful orchestral music)
Once the timer begins,
I follow the MI6 agent's instructions perfectly.
Never look down, because he will then
know that you're up to something.
- [Mike Voiceover] If someone following me sees
that I know someone is following me,
they might speed up plans to choke me dead.
It's best to assume that everyone is following you
and go about your business like it's a normal day.
What I'm trying to do is just
give him enough space, where he's comfortable,
but yet also uncomfortable as well.
He's crossing the street, walking normal
like no signs of letting on to me.
I could see Mike, but I don't think
he could see me.
He's got the green light, so I'm gonna go.
- [Mike Voiceover] I march up a long flight of stairs,
and enter a building with unique architecture.
So I've already lost sight of Mike.
I feel what I need to do now is make sure
I can get around.
What have I entered?
This building happens to be my alma mater,
Emerson College.
I emailed school officials two days ago
with an urgent request to use their bathrooms.
They must have thought I was another one of those kids
who graduate college and then can't find toilets.
Thankfully, the Emerson security guards
let me in to their private restrooms.
I start taking my clothes off in
preparation for my disguise.
If you look closely, you can see that
my arms and legs have no hair on them.
The night before this challenge, I spent two hours
shaving myself.
Did I want silky smooth skin so I would
finally feel sexy for once in my life?
No sir-ee.
The reason I did this is going to be
revealed to you eventually.
Be patient and grab a licorice.
- [Ken] Hey guys.
Could we get access to the third floor?
Okay.
- [Mike Voiceover] As I change into my top secret disguise,
I can't help but remember what the MI6 agent
taught me about speed.
The art of disguise for avoiding surveillance
is that it's got to be done quickly.
Maximum, five minutes.
- [Mike Voiceover] Five minutes should be plenty of time
to change my appearance, right?
Wrong.
Since I was a teenager, I've had
extremely sensitive skin.
I'm not the Lebron James of shaving my face,
and by that, I mean I accidentally cut myself
shaving all the (bleeping) time.
So now that I know security's watching us,
I know he's not in the building like screwing around.
So that really only leads him to one option,
was he slipped out while I was on
the other side of the stairs,
and he slipped out the elevator, or
he waited for me to walk around.
If I do terrible razor work
and leave blood dripping down my face,
the private investigator will spot me immediately.
My sensitive skin could be my downfall
in escaping this private investigator,
as well as why I never had a girlfriend until recently.
Seven minutes in and I'm only about 74% done shaving.
There's a lot more steps to my disguise,
so I have to abandon the shave.
I can't waste more time.
I'll never look as smooth as Pitbull.
The singer, not the dog breed.
The surveillant will be focusing on your colors,
your size, your general shape,
your demeanor and your gait.
So, you change as much of that as possible.
(dramatic instrumental music)
(moves into suspenseful piano music)
All my thoughts lead me to believe that
chances are he is in here.
I put on a lovely dress and look at the time.
My transformation has taken more than 10 minutes now.
This is (bleeping) embarrassing.
I don't want to disappoint the MI6 agent today
like I disappointed everyone else in my life.
The MI6 agent suggested I disguise myself
as a pregnant woman.
(charging orchestral music)
Before I leave the building, I remember
another lesson from the MI6 agent.
Change your gait as you're walking along.
- [Mike Voiceover] The MI6 agent suggested I alter my
normal walk for a drastically different gait.
I showed him a special skill
I learned back in high school.
I call this the crab walk and he calls me an idiot.
Then he teaches me a more realistic walking style
I should use.
Right, left, right.
That's the way.
Pretending to be pregnant, and even harder,
happy, I start climbing down the stairs
of the building.
It's time to see if the private investigator
spots me.
(suspenseful instrumental music)
Will the investigator believe I'm a real
happy go lucky pregnant woman?
Will he see my pathetic shaving job,
rip my dress off and tackle me?
Will he get jealous of how good I look and decide
to get pregnant himself?
One glaring mistake I made while rushing
to put this disguise on is that I forgot
to zip up the back of my dress.
My bra straps and lower back are exposed,
like I'm a flirty, pregnant stripper named Diamonds.
So, I'm about two blocks away from where we started.
(moves into dramatic electronic music)
Victory belongs to Mike.
Because I'm not a monster, I decide to show
the private investigator how I escaped.
(upbeat rock music)
Ken, you can look at me.
(laughing)
I was a pregnant woman.
I wasn't really paying attention to
the woman crossing the street.
I won, so I'm going to punish you
by making you watch me eat cereal.
(cereal crunching)
This is a good box.
I decided to do a little pre workup of my own.
Instead of watching you for the half hour
to two hours, I watched you for 12 hours.
I've got you heading out to a little lunch.
Was this on Saturday?
- [Ken] It was Saturday.
- [Mike] You followed me (mumbling).
You went into the market.
I really couldn't figure out what you bought,
'cause I was a couple steps behind you.
Wow.
I call the MI6 agent who trained me
to tell him the wonderful news.
Your plan worked perfectly.
Oh, well done my son.
I told you we could do it.
To Mr. Alexander Junder, CMG,
MI6 Headquarters, London, England.
Dear Alex, recommendation for employment.
My good friend Mike Carrier.
The next time you see me,
I might be working for the British government.
Oh, and one more thing.
The MI6 agent gave me permission
to release the song he wrote.
I hope you enjoy his music video.
Okay, so this is a little song
that my poppy told me
when I was no higher than the raccoons (bleeping).
♪ Met a girl, she was a beauty ♪
♪ And she came from Tennessee ♪
♪ Stole my heart when she laid beside me ♪
♪ She gave to me an STD ♪
♪ 15 years we've been together ♪
♪ Plowed the fields ♪
♪ And battled with our foes ♪
♪ You're leaving now, and all I'm left with ♪
♪ 14 kids, one leg and a busted nose ♪
♪ Billy Joe, I love your body ♪
♪ Tattooed skin from head to toe ♪
♪ The works of Shakespeare cross your backside ♪
♪ And I'll be left with nothing ♪
♪ To read if you should go ♪
♪ Yee-haw ♪