FOLKS, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WE ARE ALL DIGGING OUT TODAY AFTER NEW YORK WAS HIT BY A
MAJOR SNOW FORM, AND D.C. WAS HIT BY A MAJOR STORMY.
I'M TALKING ABOUT PORN STAR AND WOMAN WHO CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS
HAPPENING EITHER, STORMY DANIELS.
SHE'S SUING THE PRESIDENT, CLAIMING THEIR NONDISCLOSURE
AGREEMENT CAN'T BE ENFORCED BECAUSE HE DIDN'T SIGN IT.
IF SHE WINS, SHE'LL BE FREE TO DISCUSS HER AFFAIR WITH DONALD
TRUMP AND SHARE TEXTS AND PICTURES HE SENT HER.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YEAH.
>> Stephen: YEAH, OOH, OOH, YES.
I BELIEVE THE LEGAL TERM FOR THAT IS OOOOOHHH!
THAT'S A TERRIFYING PROSPECT FOR TRUMP LAWYER AND MAN WHO'S NEVER
GETTING THAT $130 GRAND BACK, MICHAEL COHEN, BECAUSE WE
LEARNED LAST NIGHT THAT COHEN OBTAINED A RESTRAINING ORDER TO
SILENCE STORMY DANIELS.
THAT'S RIGHT, A RESTRAINING ORDER TO PROTECT THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.
"YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENT HAS NO WAY TO DEFEND HIMSELF OTHER THAN
THE ARMY, NAVY, AIR FORCE, AND THE TOP-SECRET PENTAGON
NANO-HORNETS.
MEANWHILE, THE DEFENDANT IS VICIOUSLY ARMED WITH A PHOTO OF
AN OLD MAN'S SCHWANTZ.
I REST MY CASE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
NOW, THE WHITE HOUSE HAS SHOWN SURPRISINGLY DISCIPLINED SILENCE
ABOUT THE TRUMP-PAID-OFF-A-PORN-STAR
THING, AND THEY MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET THE STORY TO GO AWAY, AS
LONG AS THEY NEVER ADMIT THAT THE PRESIDENT IS INVOLVED IN ANY
LEGAL PROCEEDING OR ANY ARBITRATION IN ANY WAY WITH
DANIELS.
SARAH?
>> DID THE PRESIDENT APPROVE OF THE PAYMENT THAT WAS MADE IN
OCTOBER OF 2016?
BY HIS LONGTIME LAWYER AND ADVISER, MICHAEL COHEN?
>> THIS CASE IS ALREADY BEEN WON IN ARBITRATION.
I CAN SHARE THAT THE ARBITRATION WAS WON IN THE PRESIDENT'S
FAVOR.
>> STEPHEN: OOPS-A-TRUTHIE!
AND TRUMP WAS WATCHING.
NOW HE'S UPSET WITH SANDERS OVER HER STORMY DANIELS RESPONSE.
HE'S BLAMING SARAH HUCKABEE-SANDERS FOR THE FALLOUT
FROM HIS AFFAIR WITH A PORN STAR.
HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MUAH!
THERE'S A BOUQUET!
IT'S A BUNDLE OF BULL (BLEEP).
>> Jon: YEP, YEP.
>> Stephen: BUT ENOUGH ABOUT PORN STARS,
LET'S GET TO THE REAL SEXY NEWS: TARIFFS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THAT'S SEXY TO LOOK LIKE YOU'RE HAVING A SEIZURE, RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE TODAY, DONALD TRUMP MADE
GOOD ON HIS PROMISE AND SLAPPED IMPORT TARIFFS ON STEEL AND
ALUMINUM.
OUR ALLIES HAVE ALREADY BEGUN THREATENING TO RETALIATE.
THE E.U. SAYS THEY'LL RESPOND WITH TARIFFS ON WHISKEY AND
PEANUT BUTTER, WHICH MEANS IT COULD GET A LOT PRICIER FOR
EUROPEANS TO ENJOY A P.B.&JACK.
( LAUGHTER ) IT SEEMS LIKE WE'RE ON THE VERGE
OF A TRADE WAR.
SO YESTERDAY, THE REMAINS OF WILBUR ROSS WENT ON CNBC TO CALM
EVERYBODY DOWN.
>> I THINK THAT YOU'RE GOING TO SEE, AS YOU UNDERSTAND THE
DETAILS OF WHAT ACTUALLY IS GOING TO HAPPEN, THAT WE'RE NOT
TRYING TO BLOW UP THE WORLD.
>> STEPHEN: OF COURSE WILBUR ROSS WON'T BLOW UP THE WORLD.
HE CAN'T BLOW UP A NECK PILLOW.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT TRUMP SIGNED THE ORDER THIS
AFTERNOON, AND HE MADE IT CLEAR JUST HOW SPECIAL THE AMERICAN
WORKER IS TO HIM.
>> I AM HONORED TO BE HERE WITH OUR INCREDIBLE STEEL AND
ALUMINUM WORKERS.
AND YOU ARE TRULY THE BACKBONE OF AMERICA, YOU KNOW THAT.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S NICE TO SAY, ESPECIALLY SINCE EVERYONE WHO
WORKS FOR TRUMP HAS NO SPINE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THOSE WORKERS GOT A MOMENT
IN THE SPOTLIGHT TODAY WHEN TRUMP INVITED THEM UP TO SPEAK,
AND TEASED THEM ABOUT STAGE FRIGHT.
>> THERE'S ONLY 25 MILLION PEOPLE WATCHING.
>> STEPHEN: 25 MILLION PEOPLE?
YOU KNOW YOU'RE ON CABLE NEWS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY, RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER ) ANYONE WHO'S WATCHING YOU IS
EITHER AT THE AIRPORT OR WORKS FOR MY SHOW.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I JUST HAD PITY ON BOTH OF
THEM.
AND IT WOULDN'T BE A DONALD TRUMP PRESS CONFERENCE WITHOUT
AT LEAST ONE CRINGE MOMENT.
>> YOUR FATHER IS HERMAN?
HERMAN, YES.
>> WELL, YOUR FATHER HERMAN IS LOOKING DOWN, HE'S VERY PROUD OF
YOU RIGHT NOW.
>> HE'S STILL ALIVE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: "HE IS?
COULD YOU ASK HIM TO CALL ME AND TELL ME WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE
PROUD OF A SON?" ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Jon: WHOA!
>> Stephen: THEN -- STOP IT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THEN TRUMP CALLED UP ONE STEELWORKER WHO HAD INCREDIBLE,
ALMOST CARTOONISHLY LARGE BICEPS, AND ISSUED A CHALLENGE:
>> LET'S ARM WRESTLE!
>> I'M ALL RIGHT, BUDDY.
>> STEPHEN: "I'M ALL RIGHT, BUDDY!"
TRUMP IS THE ONLY PRESIDENT IN U.S. HISTORY THAT YOU CAN
DISMISS LIKE AN ANNOYING LITTLE KID.
"GET OUT OF HERE, YOU LITTLE SQUIRT.
GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY TRADE WAR.
MEN WITH REAL ARMS ARE TALKING."
( LAUGHTER ) AND TRUMP WAS SO EXCITED TO GET
HIS PHOTOS TAKEN WITH REAL BLUE-COLLAR WORKERS, HE ALMOST
FORGOT WHY HE WAS THERE.
>> BUT YOU ARE GREAT PEOPLE.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE A PICTURE IN THE OVAL OFFICE?
I ASSUME YOU HAVE ALL MANY TIMES INTO THE OVAL OFFICE?
COME ON.
LET'S GO AND DO THAT.
>> YOU'RE SIGNING...
>> YES, I'M GOING TO DO-- >> Stephen: YES, OBVIOUSLY I'M
GOING TO SIGN THAT, THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.
HEY, AS LONG AS I'M SIGNING THINGS, IS IT TOO LATE TO SIGN
THAT NONDISCLOSURE WITH STORMY DANIELS?
IT IS?
SAD."