Welcome to CP Time,
the only show that’s for the culture.
The month of June is a special time in America.
It’s the start of summer,
it’s the time allergies wreak havoc on our sinuses,
and it’s the month my hyperactive child
is out of school and back in the house all day.
The whole point of having kids
is for them to be somewhere else.
If I knew my son was gonna be around this much,
I wouldn’t have had him.
June is also a special month for Black people
because it marks the holiday Juneteenth,
celebrating when slavery ended
on June 19, 1865.
Now, many people think slavery was ended in 1863
by everyone’s favorite exhausted magician,
Abraham Lincoln,
but many slaves weren’t actually free
until two and a half years later,
proving that even Black people’s freedom
runs on CP time.
So in celebration of Juneteenth,
I’d like to talk about some of the slaves
who celebrated their freedom early
by escaping from slavery on their own.
Slaves like Henry “Box” Brown,
a Virginian slave who snuck inside of a wooden crate
and shipped himself to Philadelphia
where he could live as a free man.
The trip took 27 grueling hours.
It could have been same-day,
but “Box” Brown couldn’t afford Amazon Prime.
Luckily, Henry Brown arrived safely in Philadelphia
and turned his story into a stage act.
Every night, Henry would climb into that same wooden crate
to reenact the arduous journey that carried him to freedom,
which was brave of him.
I don’t know if I could relive
a traumatic experience like that over and over again.
And I’ve had bad experiences with packages.
Back in the day, I used to work for a moving company.
One time, I moved all of a customer’s possessions
to the wrong apartment.
My customer thought I was a thief,
and the people in the apartment thought I was a reverse burglar.
Everyone was equally upset.
Another slave who took his freedom into his own hands
was Lewis Williams.
He actually escaped slavery not once, but twice.
After his first escape,
he was caught and brought to trial.
But he got a look-alike to switch places with him
in the courtroom.
By the time the courts realized what had happened,
Lewis had escaped again.
Although that look-alike
was probably just a random Black guy,
if we’re being real about it.
’Cause Lewis knew that those white folks
couldn’t tell Black people apart.
Just the other day,
I was mistaken for Forest Whitaker,
which would normally be flattering.
But, unfortunately, Mr. Whitaker owed this gentleman
a substantial amount of money.
He whupped my ass, Forest.
You owe me.
But maybe the most heartwarming escape
is that of William and Ellen Craft,
two slaves who got married and decided to run away.
Because Ellen had light skin,
they hatched a plan where she dressed in men’s clothing,
wrapped her head in bandages,
and posed as an injured white man.
William then posed as her servant,
and the two boarded a train north.
Now, being on a train full of white men must have been scary,
but I can only assume that Ellen practiced
her white man small talk.
“Uh, well, yes, fellow white person,
I, too, am afraid of the sun.
Yes. Sunblock, sunblock.
Sunblock, sunblock. SPF.
UV. Sunblock, sunblock.”
So the next time June 19 comes,
remember these stories of heroic slaves,
which I plan to do at the Juneteenth celebration
in Bloomington, Indiana, this evening.
Now, if you’ll excuse me,
I have to get there fast, and airfare is ridiculous.
But, thankfully,
Box Brown is an innovator.
I’m Roy Wood Jr.,
and this has been CP Time.
And, remember,
we’re for the culture.
Somebody come push me to the post office.
Just need to get me a couple of snacks
and some artichoke dip and some pretzels,
and I’ll be on my way.