( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JON, I'M QUITE THRILLED I GET TO
TALK TO OUR LOVELY GUEST IN JUST A MOMENT.
I'VE GOT THE CARDS RIGHT HERE FOR MR. MICHAEL B. JORDAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: MICHAEL B. IN THE
HOUSE! IS THAT WE'LL HAVE TO CHECK THE
RAFTERS AND HAVE A STRUCTURAL ENGINEER TO CHECK FOR SEXY
DAMAGE. HE BRINGS THE SEXY SO HARD, HE
CAN'T CONTROL IT. >> Jon: YEAH, YEAH.
>> STEPHEN: Y'KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE,
GOING OVER THE DAY'S NEWS AND SELECTING THE FINEST, MOST
TOPICAL CARBON FIBER STORIES, SHAPING THEM IN DRY DOCK INTO A
SLEEK AND SEXY HULL, KITTING IT OUT WITH THE MOST TOPICAL
FIBERGLASS AND TEAK FITTINGS BRASS RAILINGS, HOT TUBS, AND
NEWS HELIPADS, TO CREATE THE CUSTOM DESIGNED, GLEAMING
MEGA-YACHT THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, I WASH ASHORE AT
AN ABANDONED BEACH RESORT AFTER A NIGHT OF BATH SALTS AND
SCOPOLAMINE, LASH SOME ROTTING PICNIC TABLES TOGETHER, THEN
DREDGE THE NEWS POND TO HAUL UP WHATEVER DISCARDED
TRICYCLES AND BROKEN FRISBEES I CAN FIND, STEAL AN EYE PATCH
FROM A HOBO, STAPLE A DEAD PIGEON TO MY SHOULDER, AND SAIL
INTO INTERNATIONAL WATERS ON THE PIRATE GARBAGE SCOW OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE!
( MUSICAL STING ) THAT'S AN ANTIBIOTIC FOR THE
NATION'S WOUNDS, TOP CAL. MEAN WHILE --
( LAUGHTER ) -- YOU ALL
KNOW HOW I LIKE TO HAVE FUN WITH GWYNETH PALTROW'S
OFFERINGS ON HER WEBSITE "GOOP."
AND BY "HAVE FUN WITH", OBVIOUSLY, I MEAN "BE AMAZED AT
THE ALMOST TOTAL LACK OF LEGAL REPERCUSSIONS FOR."
WELL, EVERY CHRISTMAS, HER GOOPINESS PUTS OUT A FUN LITTLE
HOLIDAY PROMOTIONAL VIDEO AND THIS YEAR SHE INCLUDED A
NICE SURPRISE FOR YOURS TRULY: >> FORGOT HOW TO HOST AFTER
TAKING THE HOLIDAYS OFF LAST YEAR?
BRUSH UP ON THE BASICS WITH GWYNETH'S GUIDE TO HOLIDAY
ETIQUETTE. GIFTING GOOD GIFTS IS AN ART.
RULE OF THUMB, NOT ALL GIFTS FIT INTO A BOX.
>> Stephen: SHE'S GIVING ME A CANDLE THAT SMELLS LIKE HER
ORGASM. REGIFT!
EITHER WAY, SOUNDS LIKE THE ULTIMATE STOCKING-STUFFER.
ANYWAY, THANK YOU GWYNETH, NOT ONLY FOR THE LOVELY PRESENT, BUT
FOR THE LEGAL PRECEDENT, WHEN MY LUXURY BRAND COVETTON HOUSE GETS
SUED FOR FRAUD. "YOUR HONOR, IF GWYNETH CAN SELL
HORMONE BALANCING JADE VAGINA EGGS, THEN SURELY I CAN SELL
MOOD ENHANCING GRANITE BUTT MARBLES."
( LAUGHTER ) BUTT MARBLES.
MEANWHILE, SCIENTISTS BELIEVE THEY'VE ANSWERED THE QUESTION
"CAN AN ATHLETE'S BLOOD ENHANCE BRAINPOWER?"
AFTER RESEARCHERS "INJECTED SEDENTARY MICE WITH
BLOOD FROM MICE THAT RAN FOR MILES ON EXERCISE WHEELS
AND FOUND THAT THE SEDENTARY MICE THEN DID BETTER ON TESTS OF
LEARNING AND MEMORY." YOU HEAR THAT TOM BRADY?
I TOLD YOU THAT KEEPING YOU IN MY BASEMENT TO HARVEST YOUR
HEMOGLOBIN WAS FOR SCIENCE! AND I JUST REALIZED
WHAT AM I DOING? YOU CAN'T HEAR THAT, I DIDN'T
GIVE YOU A TV. JUST A COUPLE MORE QUARTS, TOM.
HIT THE BOW FLEX. MEANWHILE, DOZENS OF CAMELS HAVE
BEEN BARRED FROM A SAUDI BEAUTY CONTEST OVER BOTOX.
I'M SO SICK OF CAMELS BEING HELD TO UNREALISTIC BEAUTY STANDARDS!
IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD, SOME HAVE EVEN TRIED TO LOSE WEIGHT
BY SMOKING. MEANWHILE, A PIZZERIA IN
THAILAND UNVEILED AN UNUSUAL MENU ITEM THIS WEEK:
"CANNABIS PIZZA." NOW THAT IS A GOOD BUSINESS
MODEL. "GOT THE MUNCHIES?
ORDER OUR PIZZA. ATE OUR PIZZA?
ORDER OUR PIZZA." THEY'RE NOT MESSING AROUND. THIS
T.H.C. THAI PIE HAS CANNABIS INFUSED INTO THE CHEESE AND
CRUST, THERE'S CHOPPED CANNABIS IN THE DIPPING SAUCE, AND IT
EVEN COMES TOPPED WITH A GIANT MARIJUANA LEAF.
AND HERE'S THE WEIRD PART: MARIJUANA IS ACTUALLY STILL
ILLEGAL IN THAILAND, SO THE AMOUNT OF T.H.C. IN ANY
GIVEN PRODUCT MUST NOT EXCEED 0.2% OF ITS TOTAL WEIGHT, AND
THE PARLOR OWNER TOLD REPORTERS "OF COURSE, THEY CANNOT GET
HIGH. IT'S JUST A MARKETING CAMPAIGN."
THAT'S THE WORST SLOGAN SINCE NIKE'S
"JUST DO IT," "OR DON'T.
IT'S A BUNCHA HOOEY TO SELL SHOES."
( LAUGHTER ) BACK WITH MICHAEL B. JORDAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )