Madison Square Garden.
I mean, things have just gone so well for you.
It's exciting.
Yeah.
These tours you're doing are so popular.
The latest one, the tour is called 50.
Yes, sir.
You, you are a 50.
Are you, you feeling different right now? Is it...
Yeah, no.
Is 50 a weird time for you?
No. I turned 50 and I just decided
to call the tour that. I'm kind of going the opposite
of all the people who do like the Botox and the hair plugs
and try to look 22 for the rest of their life.
Right.
You know, when they really just, you know, they,
they don't look good.
Yeah.
You know.
You're saying why, don't fake it, just embrace it.
They make your eyes water when you look at them,
and my wife's always watching,
like those Real Housewives and stuff
and they just look exhausted.
They're like in their, you know what it
always reminds me of,
remember when Brett Favre played on the Vikings?
Yeah.
(Conan laughing)
And it was just like, just retire, dude.
You're in the hall of fame.
Yeah, yeah.
It's over.
And those women it's like, yeah, you had your time.
You were beautiful. And it's over.
(audience laughs and boos)
People groan. You don't remember when you were a kid,
you went to the club
and there was that older person hanging out, that creep.
(audience laughing)
Yeah. That's what you're doing.
That's what you're doing.
50 is not the new 40, it's 50. I am 50.
(Conan laughing)
All right.
I have to go see doctors.
Yeah.
(audience cheering)
I have to have blood taken.
So I feel, I feel young physically, but mentally,
like when I watch TV, it makes me feel old.
What makes you feel old about watching TV?
This well, music.
There's no guitar solos anymore.
And then for some reason,
with all this technology, millennials,
if you take a full water bottle
and you flip it in the air and it lands upright,
they run out of the room like they just saw a witch.
(Conan and audience laughing)
Everybody's like, ah, they just take off.
It's like, really?
You have virtual reality glasses on,
you're playing all these video games,
and all somebody has to do.
I mean, that's like a game like Tom Sawyer
would have played.
(Conan and audience laughing)
So it's stuff like that.
Uh-huh.
That I'm just like, I'm not, I'm not ridiculing it.
It's just like, wow, I can't relate to this.
You can't relate to it.
Yeah.
You know, your show F is for family.
I relate to it because it's about parenting
in the seventies and that's, you know,
that was when I was parented, like you.
What do you think of parents now?
How do you compare them to parents in the seventies?
Oh. It's just completely, the kids have so much power.
It's like ridiculous. Like half of these kids,
I'm like, I look and I just have what happened to me.
And I'm like looking at a kid and be like,
this kid's about ready to get punted
across the grocery store.
(audience laughing)
And it just never happens.
(audience laughing)
Right.
They just, they just don't get hit.
And I think it's hurting this country.
You're mad, wait a minute,
(Bill chuckles)
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
No, like...
(audience laughing)
You're mad that children are, are not being hit.
There should be the threat of it.
Half of it was just that, look,
it was just, your dad was acting like he was gonna do it.
He never did it, but your mother did, and because,
(audience laughing)
because she was a woman. It was like, okay.
'Cause he's like, hey, you let a girl beat you up.
You kind of felt emasculated.
Yeah.
(audience laughing)
We had a rule at like, I actually,
a lot of the stuff that I look at
from when I was a kid that actually kind of made sense
in a way is now it would now be considered like abuse,
I guess. Like when I was a kid,
if you didn't finish your supper, as we called it...
Supper.
Yeah. My mother was just like,
well, you're going to finish.
She would just wrap it in cellophane.
And you just picked up where you left off for breakfast,
like, like a blue collar job.
Like you take the shovel out of the hole
and just start digging it again.
So yeah. I remember one night we had cube steaks,
which is like one of the toughest pieces of meat.
I don't know if you guys,
Everything's so like Asian infused, Wagyu beef.
Everybody's eating that crap now.
But cube steak was like,
they had literally had to hit it
with a hammer to make it like edible.
And so we having cube steaks.
And I forget, my little brother was still
in a high chair and he couldn't finish his.
So my mother goes,
"All right, well you're just going
to have eat it for breakfast."
And that was like eight hours away,
which was like half his life.
(Conan and audience laughing)
So he was like, "All right. I'll take that deal."
So, the next morning, I remember we were having waffles.
My mother always made Sunday breakfast.
So we had all these waffles, eggs, bacon, this whole layout.
My brother was looking at half eaten, cube steaks,
and a little mound of green bean casserole.
And he goes, so he looked at my mom.
He goes, "Mom, can I have a waffle?"
And she goes, "No, you got to finish your supper."
And he's like, "Well, after I finished my WAF, a supper,
then can I have a waffle?"
She goes, "No, that is your breakfast."
And he goes, "Oh mom, I hate you."
And my dad without looking up,
took a full glass of milk and threw it in his face.
(Conan and audience laughing)
Swear to God.
This is what kills me. We're killing...
You want everyone today
to have as miserable childhood as you had.
(audience laughs)
No, but it was kind of funny.
I just, you know what was hilarious,
was that my mother just popped up
and just immediately started cleaning up.
And my dad just kept eating.
(Conan and audience laughing)
Like he didn't, like the roles were defined back then.
Now, the guy has to throw the milk.
He has to clean it up,
while telling his wife she's brave
for just sitting there,
(audience laughs and boos)
like whatever it is,
You hear it?
Oh, oh,
(audience laughing)
Women are so overrated. Right.
We went from...
Wait, wait, what? Wait, wait, what?
What? Wait. Wait. What?
We went from not listening to them. To now, it's just,
it's just, you know, it's just, it's ridiculous.
Like that, believe women, it's like all of them?
(audience laughing)
How bout. How bout 85%? I'll give you an 87%.
(audience laughing)
But that last 13% that keys your car,
lights your shit on fire.
And puts a family pet and up in a pot of stew.
(audience laughing)
Who put a pet in a pot of stew?
(audience laughing)
Glenn Close.
Yeah.
Glen Close Yeah!
Yeah. Okay. All right. I think.
It was a separately boiled.
You know what I miss?
I miss tougher parenting and evidence.
Those are the things that I missed from my childhood.
(audience laughing)
Evidence.
Yeah.
You mean...
Due process...
Right.
Somebody says something happened
and then someone else goes,
Well, I said it happened this way,
like the old Gumshoe shows, then they had to figure it out.
Right.
Yeah. That doesn't exist now on social media.
Right.
It's just like, it's just frontier justice.
Right.
You feel how nervous everybody just got in here
at the fact that I just suggested
that there should be due process.
(audience laughing)
This guy is talking crazy, man.
(audience laughing)
He just joined ISIS.
Yeah. This is, this is what this.
No, what I'm saying...
(audience hollering)
And then the woos that they agreed, but they were,
they didn't agree when it counted.
We can add, We'll digitally add woos. Don't worry.
We have the woo machine.
You are way too angry.
50 is still relatively young.
I'm not angry.
You have the anger of, of a 110 year old man.
(audience laughing)
Oh, these telephones (indistinct).
I can't argue.
You can't argue.
I can't argue that.
You know, in the last segment, you're, you know, you're,
there's a lot, you get worked up about, you know,
you've always been that way. I've known you a long time.
You get worked up about stuff. You get happy.
When he was four, he was like,
things were better when I was three.
(audience laughs)
The world's shit now. Ah, the heydays of my two's.
(Conan and Bill laughing)
Guilty as charged.
Yeah. So here's the thing. Here's the thing.
Are you, now that you're playing in Madison Square Garden,
you've got all these fans.
You're extremely successful comedian.
Are you able to enjoy your success now?
Are you able to just have some fun...
Yes.
with the fact that you're a success?
Yes. Yes. I enjoy it, but I still, you know,
the bane of my existence is I let little things bother me.
Downloading new operating systems will just, you know,
I bring a lot of tension into the house,
according to my wife.
Yeah.
One thing I've noticed where we're always working on me,
you know, like my wife has, evidently some completed work,
like under museum glass.
And I'm like that building that has scaffolding around it.
For like 7 years.
No she is, she's a Saint
for putting up with me.
I, I know, but like my latest thing
that's driving me nuts,
is I spent 20 years in the back
of the plane getting treated like an animal.
And I finally worked my way up to the front
of the plane, group one.
Which means you get to board, like, it's your plane. Right.
Right.
(audience laughing)
You get to board...
Yeah, yes. You get to sit in a chair,
that's the size for a human being.
There's a place for your bag.
Yup. Yup.
Right. You get a little hot towel. And all that.
And then the second I get that,
all of a sudden now there's like these 20 groups that are
like, pre-boarding now.
Like half the plane qualifies.
And they're getting on and I just sit there,
just like losing my shit. You know?
(audience laughing)
It starts off like, it's just like anybody in uniform,
anybody in the military.
So it's like, all right. All right.
But after like the 20th guy,
you just start being like, have you seen action?
(audience laughing)
Are you on the front lines at least?
(Conan and audience laughing)
Right?
Then, it's anybody with kids, anybody with disabilities.
And then they just, anybody with a red shirt.
Hey, it's it's tony Tuesday.
Anybody named Anthony can get on.
(Conan laughing)
Dude, I sat one time. I saw this guy get on the plane.
Okay. He wasn't in uniform. He didn't have kids.
He had all his limbs.
He wasn't limping, he didn't have a cough.
He just walked on the plane.
It's like, who the (beep) is that guy?
(Conan and audience laughing)
Like, how did I get on before that guy?
So...
(Conan laughing)
I always hated the anxiety of being
in the back of the plane.
I just remember like the worst is
whenever you would get your seat
and you'd sit there and they're
about ready to close the door
and you'd have that empty seat next to you.
Yes, yes.
Like the poor man's first class.
You're like, oh shit, I'll bring the arm rest up.
I can just be great. And then all of a sudden,
some fat bastard gets on,
(Conan and audience laughing)
and you're like, no, no, no!
You're literally, you're like Quint at the end of jaws.
Like sliding on the ah! Ah!
(Conan and audience laughing)
Right?
So, one time. I swear to God, this is all true.
This dude got on. He was so fat. He was sitting next to me.
I was literally next to him and behind him.
(audience laughing)
He would try to make himself smaller.
And he like folded his arm. And his lat came out like,
like a, you know those old Western saloon things.
(Conan and audience laughing)
So yeah. I'm just sitting behind this thing.
So yeah, that, that motivates you to try to get,
to a certain point in life.
So all these years, 20 years.
You work your way up to the front,
and now still, they won't let you.
Now that fat guy is considered disabled
because he can't stop eating cookies.
(Conan and audience laughing)
So he gets on. Look at everybody groaning.
90% of the world is starving to death.
(Bleep) that guy. Eat a salad
and get on the treadmill like the rest of us.
(Conan and audience laughing)
We're all working out. What is the problem?
Well, okay.
What could you do? Could you do anything then?
Could you get on the plane? Is there anything you could do?
Oh, Conan. I imagine there's something
that I could be doing. There's always something
that I could be doing.
That's what I've learned being married.
"You know, you should have done it this way."
(audience laughing)
I'm sorry like that literally...
So, I'm your wife right now?
Yeah that's just playing in the loop on,
What am I doing now? You know.
This is the thing. You know what kills me. It's just like,
if I could just fix my (beeping) temper,
my wife, she'd have nothing on me.
Yeah.
Nothing on me.
I work my ass off and make a great living.
I like doing the dishes. I'm a great dad.
All she has on me is just, it's just, I don't know, like,
oh, my overall vibe.
(audience laughing)
That's it
All she has on you...
That's it, is my vibe.
Is your overall personality and vibe.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, but what kills me. I was this guy...
The essence of who you are is the only thing.
Yeah, but I wish this guy when she met me.
Yeah.
She's acting like I changed. I was always flipping out.
(audience laughing)
Were you flipping out the day, like when you met,
did you flip out?
Did you, would you have a really that early?
Yeah, I remember she told me
to go see that movie monster.
Mm-hmm.
Remember that movie with Charlize Theron.
Yeah.
Remember that?
Yeah.
Yeah, and everybody was saying how,
oh my God, it was unbelievable.
They literally blamed guys, that she was a serial killer.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Like when you saw the Jeffrey Dahmer movie, it wasn't like,
ah, somebody shoved a tuna fish sandwich up my ass
and I confuse people with food. So like,
they didn't make like a big excuse for him. You know?
(Conan and audience laughing)
She was a (beeping) psycho killing people,
and she should have died, but I'm like watching it,
feeling guilt.
Do they ever take responsibility
for their actions, even when they're murdering people?
It's somehow our fault. It's (beeping) unreal.
(Conan and audience laughing)
Why would, why would...
why would having a tuna fish sandwich...
Why would having a tuna fish sandwich shoved
up your butt make you want to eat people?
Because another man did it.
Right. It's also another person.
So you equated, I don't know, sex with food.
I forget. I forget how the idea went.
But I know that she laughed when I said it,
she was dying, laughing and kind of saw my point.
And I always hate when she says to me, she just be like,
"You know, I just don't see what,
where does that coming from? Where is that coming from?"
It's just like, honey.
How many childhood stories do I have to tell you before you
follow the breadcrumbs to the psycho that you married?
(audience laughing)
I mean, did you ever take a psychology class?
Like you didn't see this coming?
Right.
That's what it is. It's not that she says that I'm a jerk.
It's just the nerve to be surprised.
(Conan and audience laughing)
All right I wish we had more time.Good God.
All right.
I feel like I, Do I help you at all
by getting this stuff out?
No, this was cathartic.
It's cathartic.
Cathartic. Cause I'm going to go home.
She's not going to watch this. She's over me.
(Conan and audience laughing)
I love it when a guest says,
"She's not going to watch this!"
No she's not gonna watch it.
Yeah.
You can see bill on his latest nationwide tour, 50.
And he's starting to mellow. I swear to God.
(audience hollering)
I am. I'm getting the twinkle in my eye back.
At the TD, at the TD garden in Boston on October 5th and
Madison Square Garden. Wow! On Wednesday, November 7th.
(audience hollering)
That's fantastic.
Unbelievable. Thank you, sir.
Unbelievable.
For more cities and dates,
Nice to see you.
Thank you.
go to billburr.com.
Bill Burr, we'll be right back
with Regina Hall in support of girls.