I WANTED TO BE AN ASTRONAUT EVERY SINCE I
WAS A LITTLE KID SO I WAS PRETTY EXCITED RECENTLY WHEN NASA
ANNOUNCED WE'RE GOING TO BE SENDING PEOPLE TO MARS WHIE
2030.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT THEN I FOUND OUT THEY'RE
GOING TO MARS INVOLVES SOME PRETTY ROUGH CONDITIONS--
CRAMPED PODS, HORRIBLE FOOD, AND THE CHANCE YOU MAY NOT COME BACK
ALIVE.
SO IT'S KIND OF LIKE A CARNIVAL CRUISE.
NASA ANNOUNCED THEY JUST STARTED THE SELECTION PROCESS BUT WE
MIGHT BE GETTING CLOSER TO FIGURING OUT THE PERFECT
CANDIDATE FOR THIS IMPORTANT MISSION BECAUSE I JUST READ--
AND THIS IS TRUE-- EARLY RISERS COULD BE BANNED FROM TRAVELING
TO MARS, BECAUSE APPARENTLY THE MARTIAN DAY IS 37 MINUTES LONGER
THAN THE EARTH DAY SO PEOPLE WHO WAKE UP EARLIER WILL HAVE A
HARDER TIME ADJUSTING THAN EYE NIGHT OWL.
IF YOU'RE A YOUNG, EAGER, GO-GETTER, NASA DOES NOT WANT
YOU.
AND, FRANKLY, THE REST OF US ARE A LITTLE SICK OF YOU, TOO.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S NOT THE ONLY REQUIREMENT.
NASA ALSO SAYS THAT THEY WANT MARS COLONISTS WHO EAT MEAT AND
AREN'T GLUTEN-INTOLERANT OR LACTOSE-INTOLERANT.
THIS IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE IF COLONISTS DISCOVER LIFE ON MARS,
WE DON'T WANT THEM TO DO SOMETHING STUPID LIKE NOT EAT
IT.
SO WE'RE STARTING TO GET A PICTURE OF THE KIND OF
LATE-SLEEPING, MEAT-EATING COLONIST NASA WANTS TO SEND TO
MARS, AND I'M PROUD TO SAY WE ARE JOINED BY ONE OF THE TOP
CANDIDATES FOR THE MARS MISSION.
PLEASE WELCOME ASTRONAUT BON DONNIE BARNETT.
DONNIE.
THANKS FOR BEING HERE, DONNIE.
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANKS FOR TAKING THE TIME TO BE
HERE, DONNIE.
>> HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, YEAH, THAT'S NICE.
THAT'S A NICE TOOL YOU HAVE THERE.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME, STEPHEN.
I'M JUST GLAD I WAS ABLE TO WAKE UP.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT, DONNIE.
>> YEAH, NOT ON MARS, KEMOSABE.
>> Stephen: YOU SAY YOU'RE ONE OF NASA'S TOP PICKS TO GO TO
MARS.
WHY YOU, DONNIE?
>> WELL, I'VE BEEN TRAINING HARD, STEPHEN.
I'VE BEEN TRAINING EVER SINCE I GOT FIRED AT THE FOOD TRUCK.
THEY SHOULD HAVE PUT THAT SIGN THAT SAYS, "WASH YOUR HANDS,"
WHERE PEOPLE COULD SEE IT!
>> Stephen: SO, DONNIE, IS THE TRAINING HARD FOR THE MISSION?
>> I'M NOT GOING TO LIE, STEPHEN.
I MEAN, YOU GOTTA REALLY WANT IT.
IT'S HARD WORK.
I WAKE UP BETWEEN 9:00 AND 11 P.M.
I WATCH "BONES," THEN I ORDER A LITTLE HUT-- MEAT LOVERS,
OBVIOUSLY.
THEN I PET THE DOG, INVITE THE DOG ON TO THE COUCH, THEN FIGHT
THE DOG FOR THE HUT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEM, BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,
I'M BACK TO TRAINING IN BED, SLEEPING LIKE A LITTLE BABY.
>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT THE THE PSYCHOLOGICAL ISOLATION?
WHAT ABOUT THE EFFECTS OF BEING ALONE?
ARE YOU USED TO BEING ALONE?
>> I'M GOING TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, STEPHEN, I'VE BEEN ALONE
SINCE I MESSED THINGS UP WITH KRISTINE.
TOTAL ISOLATION.
I MEAN, SHE SHOVE PUT THE SIGN THAT SAYS, "WASH YOUR HANDS,"
WHERE YOU COULD SEE IT!
>> Stephen: I CAN TELL YOU'RE UPSET, DON'T.
>> NO, NO, NO.
IT'S BETTER.
SHE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO IT IN THE MORNING, AND I WAS LIKE,
"I'M ON MARS TIME, BABY."
>> Stephen: DO YOU MISS HER?
>> HAVE YOU EVER SEEN "TOTAL RECALL?"
>> Stephen: YEAH, I'VE SEEN THAT MOVIE.
>> THEY'VE GOT ONES UP THERE WITH THREE, STEPHEN.
UNO, DOS, TRES.
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS THAT, UNO WHAT.
>> UNO, DOS, TRES.
>> Stephen: THEY SPEAK SPANISH ON MARS.
>> THEY'VE GOT LADIES UP THERE WITH THE TIC, TACK, TOE.
AKUNASPP MUTATA.
>> Stephen: IT'S A WONDERFUL WORD, IT'S A WONDERFUL WORD.
YOU KNOW THAT'S JUST A MOVIE, RIGHT?
>> STEPHEN, THEY COULDN'T MAKE A MOVIE OUT OF IT IF IT WASN'T
REAL.
DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MOVIES.
( BEEPING ).
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THAT SOUND?
>> THAT'S MY MEAT BEEPER.
ALL RIGHT, I'VE GOT TO GET BACK TO TRAINING.
( LAUGHTER ) DO YOU WANT A STEAK TENDERLOIN?
I'VE GOT ONE OF THESE IN HERE.
LEAVE THE LITTLE PART FOR YOUR KIDS!
>> Stephen: I'M GOOD, DONNIE.
I'M GOOD.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WELL, IT WAS AN HONOR TO MEET A REAL ASTRONAUT, DONNIE.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) DONNIE BARNETT, EVERYBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.