- We've all done it.
There are even sayings about it,
"Don't rock the boat."
"Don't stir the pot."
So we've all kept our feelings inside,
kept everything in.
And when you do that, it's really damaging
to your inner peace.
You have an opinion, and you have feelings
and you should express them.
And I'm going to show you why and how?
Why are we so nice?
Why are we too nice?
Why do we think, "I don't want to upset someone
"so I make their opinion more important than mine.
"I'll make their needs more important than my needs."
Because when you do that,
when you put someone else in front of you,
you're putting yourself last.
Our culture, our background, our religion,
our parents, our community,
all combine to teach us a message very early on,
"Be nice, be good, earn approval,
"don't be difficult, don't be selfish, don't be mean."
And what we really hear is, "Don't express your opinion,
"share your toys, be nice to everybody."
And that's very hard when we're a child
because what we hear is, "Swallow your feelings,
"keep everything in, put a smile on your face,
"turn that frown upside down."
But when we hear that a lot and go through life,
we begin to think,
"Oh, my opinion doesn't matter, my feelings don't matter
"my parents have told me 'Don't make a fuss,
"'don't draw attention, don't ask for something,
"'I want doesn't get.'"
And as children, we know one thing, "I will survive
"if the people that are raising me like me and accept me,"
and we develop a terrible fear of rejection.
It's absolutely true that once upon a time,
we needed connection and avoided rejection just to survive
but nowadays we really don't.
Nobody wants to be rejected
but we spend so long avoiding rejection.
"I won't say that in case you don't like me.
"I won't make a fuss in case you think I'm difficult.
"I won't share my opinion
"just in case you don't agree with it."
But you have an opinion and you must share it
and you must believe that just because someone else
has a different belief, you don't have to agree with it.
They don't have to agree with you
but your feelings are the most real thing you have
and when you push them down,
when you eat your feelings, drink your feelings
shop your feelings, Netflix your feelings,
they don't go away, they regroup
and they come back stronger than ever.
And I see many clients who can't say, 'no.'
They can never say 'no'
and because they can't say 'no' every 'yes' is a disguise.
Now they go, "I'm really fed up at work every week,
"I've got to give $20 to someone, it's someone's wedding,
"someone's birthday, someone's something,
"and I'm really fed up
"and there's someone I greatly admire,
"they go, 'Well, I don't even know that person
"'no, I'm not giving another $20
"'I've never met them,
"'I don't know who they are.'
"I want to be like that."
"Well, why don't you do it?"
"Well, I'm scared, I wouldn't be popular."
"But you just told me you deeply admire this person
"who can say 'no.'"
"I know, but I can't."
And so often it is just conditioning
until you can say 'no,' 'yes' has no meaning.
So if you are being nice to make everyone else happy,
but your happiness is suffering,
then that's not working.
If you put everyone else in front of you
make everyone else first
and you are last, it isn't working.
So being nice because you're nice,
because you're nice and kind and warm and wonderful is great.
But being nice because society expects
that of you because you're scared
you won't be liked if you're not nice,
going out of your way to accommodate other people,
giving them more money than you have,
lending them money,
giving them your stuff
going out of your way to give them a lift to work,
allowing people to treat you in a way
that isn't good enough, doesn't help you
and it doesn't help them because people push us
as far as we allow ourselves.
Because when you go,
"No, I'm sorry, that just doesn't feel comfortable.
"No, I'm sorry, I can't do that."
You see people used to write to me
when I had my advice column and say,
"Hey, my neighbor always says, 'Can you babysit?'
"And I'd go, 'I'm so tired.'
"They'd go, 'Oh, it's only for two hours,
"'don't worry, I'll bring them over
"'they'll just go to sleep.'"
And people don't even listen to their nos.
"Could you lend me money?"
"I don't really have any."
"I know, but just put it on your card,
"I promise I'll give it you back."
You see sometimes when you say 'no,'
people don't even listen to your 'no,'
they go straight over it
and you have to have the power to say,
"Thank you but actually no, I can't lend you anything,"
and "No, I absolutely cannot babysit for your kids tonight
"I have other plans."
And don't even say, 'sorry.'
"I'm so sorry I can't lend you money."
"I feel so bad, I can't babysit your kids."
"I'm sorry, I can't drive out of my way
"to always give you a lift to work,"
it just isn't good.
Just say, "I can't do that because I have other plans,
"I have other financial commitments,
"I can't help you, I have to say no."
And when you can say that,
you feel so good about yourself
that it doesn't even matter if
the other person says, "What, you can't help me?"
You know I'm now working with women
who are getting sucked in online when people go,
"Oh, hey, we're dating you're great,
"but hey, I've got this big tax bill.
"I've got a kid who's ill.
"Could you send me $5,000?"
And I was like, "I feel like this is a scam."
"But they said their kid is really sick.
"I'm the only person,"
and when you go, "I'm so sorry,
"but hey, we've just met and I don't have $5,000
"for your child, but I'm sure in your life
"you have people you've known longer than 10 minutes
"that can find the money, I can't."
One of my clients said that when she told them
they went, "Thank you, you're now going to kill my son."
But the next day he'd taken
all his profile down, of course, it was a scam.
And who gets scammed?
Who lends people money and they don't get it back?
Who does too much for other people?
People who want to be nice.
So if you're being nice in order not to get rejected,
in order to get approval, guess what's happening?
You're rejecting yourself
because you're not putting yourself first
and other people go, "Oh, she's so great," "He's so great,"
they'll do anything for anyone,
but you don't approve of yourself.
So remember the most important opinion
you will ever hear in your whole life
is the opinion you have about you
and the most important words you'll ever hear
are the words you say to yourself.
So how can we undo this?
First of all, you need to practice saying 'no.'
See when you're a baby you said,
"No way," more times than you ever said 'yes.'
Babies say, "No, no, no," all the time
until we teach them, "Don't say no
"don't you say no to me,
"it's very rude to say no, say yes."
It's much easier when you're a kid to say no than yes.
So how can you be nice, but stop being too nice?
How can you be nice and kind and lovable
but stop making everyone else's needs
more important than your needs?
First of all,
recognize where did this need to be a people pleaser
and nice person come from?
Take a look because as a baby,
if your mother came at you with pureed broccoli
you'd go, "No," you'd even spit it out all over your t-shirt
because you didn't care too much then.
Babies are all concerned with themselves
so recognize where you acquired this need to be nice,
to be good because I promise you weren't born with it,
you acquired it.
Secondly, identify the origin of these limiting beliefs.
Was it your mother, your father, your teacher,
your culture that said,
"Little girls are made of sugar and spice
"and all things nice," which is just silly.
It's just conditioning
and if you're a guy, why do you want to be a nice guy,
a good guy, a kind guy?
Just look at where you got these beliefs from
and remember, you make your beliefs
and then your beliefs turn around and make you
and your beliefs are yours to change.
You can be nice, but don't be excessively nice
don't be too nice, don't be a pushover or a walkover.
Don't allow people to take advantage of your goodness
and your niceness by always being
the person they can turn to for money,
for help, for time.
Don't always be that person.
By all means, be that person sometimes
but don't let that be your only identity
and build your self-esteem.
Build your self-esteem by doing something I find amazing
which is "Whose need is more important?"
"My friend wants to borrow money
"but I need that money for my bills
"so my need is more important than her need."
"My friend wants me to have her kids all Saturday
"but I need time to myself
"I've worked really hard.
"My need is more important than her need."
So if you always ask yourself whose need is more important
sometimes you'll say, "Well, my friend's sick,
"they've got a terrible time.
"I'm the only person who can have the child in
"this instance, I'm going to make
"their need more important than mine,
"but I can still put in boundaries,
"so I can have your child for three hours."
Many, many years ago,
somebody that I didn't know that well said,
"Could you have my baby in the evening,
"I'm going out?"
And she didn't come back for 24 hours.
I was so shocked that she would take advantage of me
in that way, I was worried and when she came back
I said, "You know,
"never ask me to babysit for your little girl again.
"That was a terrible thing that you did
"you didn't even call
"and you knew that I would accept that."
But then I met another girl who said to me,
"You know, I did that, and the person
"who had my child called Social Services
"and they took her off me
"'cause I gave her to a neighbor,
"went out partying for two days
"and when I came back, they had removed my child
"'cause that neighbor said, 'Well, this is wrong.
"'The kind of person who can give their child to a neighbor
"'for two days needs reporting.'"
They had enough self-esteem. I didn't do that
but I certainly told her, "Never abuse me like that again."
And that was terrible for her child too
but when you're a nice person people push you
and push you and push you until you say, "Okay,
"let me show you how far I'm going to be pushed
"and it's not very far."
If you date someone who is always late, always canceling.
If you have a friend who doesn't buy you gifts
and you buy them gifts, takes advantage of you,
remind yourself of the balance of a relationship.
The balance of friendship,
it should be equal.
And always ask yourself a question,
"Whose need is more important here?
"My need, to be honest with myself
"and to have inner peace is more important
"than your need to take advantage of me."
And remember that people who are evolved
can speak the truth,
they can all say, "Girl listen, you're my best friend,
"I really want to help you, it simply isn't possible.
"You're my friend but no,
"I can't have you to stay for the whole week
"'cause I've already got people coming."
Try not to lie,
sometimes you can be economical with the truth,
but never put yourself last.
When you put yourself last, you will pay a price.
If you want to be nice,
be nice to yourself, honor yourself, you see?
So let me show you something here.
You see, this is where we are.
Here's being a martyr,
"Oh, I do everything for anyone,
"I feel I've got to do that,"
and here's being someone ruthless who allows you to do that.
And in the middle, it's called honoring yourself.
So you don't have to be a martyr,
you don't have to be ruthless, honor yourself.
"What do I want?
"What do I need?
"How do I feel when people take advantage of me?
"I feel so bad.
"So why am I letting it happen?
"Well, if I don't they won't like me."
And remember if you do,
you don't like yourself
and the most important thing is to like yourself.
That is how you build self-esteem.
Like yourself, except yourself, believe in yourself,
practice speaking your truth
and know that people like you because you're real.
Don't have to be perfect, workout why you like your friends
and you'll find none of them are perfect
it's not even possible to be perfect.
Just be you, be your authentic you.
Practice saying 'no,' build your self-esteem.
So please watch my free, 'I Am Enough' masterclass
so that you are enough to say 'no,' to be lovely,
to be nice, but not to a point where it hurts you.