In this episode you're going to learn about how to use self-compassion as a powerful source of
growth and change. And most of the ideas in this video come from Kristin Neff. She
has a wonderful website, self-compassion.org, with lots of exercises teaching you how to be
more compassionate to yourself. And when I talk about self-compassion, I'm not talking about "Oh,
just excuse yourself for your bad behaviors"; I'm saying "No, love yourself as you are,
and that can be the greatest source of creating change." So let's talk about
how to use self-compassion to create change in yourself.
Daylight savings is coming up, and winter is around the corner, and you know what that means:
less serotonin. The light that enters your eyes sends a message to your brain about how much
serotonin to make, and that's why a lot of people experience more depression symptoms in the winter.
But it's treatable. Light therapy with professional lamps has been shown to be
very effective at treating the symptoms of depression, seasonal affective disorder,
and PMDD. I really like my light from Carex, and I use it in the winter. And I'm teaming up
with Carex to give away three free daylight classic plus therapy lamps. So just click
in the link in the description to learn how to enter. Winners will be announced November 7th.
When you see something in yourself that you don't like, how do you treat yourself? Do you try to
get rid of your faults by punishing yourself or criticizing yourself? I mean, for example,
do you call yourself lazy or fat because you think that criticizing yourself will help you change? Or
when you mess up do you say, "Oh, I'm such an idiot. I'm so stupid. What's the matter with
me?" Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that." So if you do this, if you try to criticize
yourself into change, you're trying to get rid of negativity with negativity. Jessica Ortner said,
"You can't hate yourself happy. You can't criticize yourself thin. You can't shame yourself
wealthy. Real change begins with self-love and self-care." Fear and self-punishment
may inspire a short burst of energy, but it's never a lasting form of motivation.
So first, take a moment and reflect on the pain that you cause yourself by treating yourself this
way. Can you have compassion on yourself for how it hurts to be treated so harshly?
To break this cycle, we need to really look at our values and decide how to live those values
toward others and ourselves. So for example, if we believe in being kind, then we need to be kind
toward our own weaknesses. We we can't try to get rid of unkindness by being harsh with ourselves.
So for example, right, if I mess up as a mom and I yell at my kids,
I can't change myself into being a nicer mom by yelling at myself and beating myself up, right?
I need to be honest with myself and my fault, but I can also be compassionate and kind toward myself
as I struggle to improve. Step number two: see if you can find a kinder, gentler way to motivate
yourself to change. Imagine what a loving friend or mentor would say to you to help you improve
yourself but, you know, in a loving and supportive way. So it might sound something like this:
"I know you don't want to be acting this way. How can I support you as you try to improve?"
Or "No matter what choices you make, I love you." Or "This is really hard for you. It's it's hard to
make mistakes. But we all do them. Let's just look for one small way to change or improve. One small
step. The Avett Brothers say in one of their songs "When you run, make sure to run to something,
not away from." So when you run, when you try to change, make sure to run toward your values, not
just running away from your mistakes, you know, beating yourself up for your flaws or whatever
they are, right? So instead, focus on what you do want to be instead of what you hate about
yourself. I recently read a story on Humans of New York about a man who had a heroin addiction.
He completely screwed his life up, and in the process he was unable to take care of his son
named Red. You should go and read this story. He tells about the deepest lows of addiction and the
self-destructive behaviors and how he got sober. But his addiction really stemmed from self-hatred,
which stemmed from some sexual abuse he experienced as a child, but he blamed himself
for that abuse. He said, you know, "I wasn't held down. It wasn't violent. That's why it messed me
up so bad. It left me feeling so ashamed, and it just kept happening. I didn't know how to stop it.
I couldn't escape. He was giving me liquor, and by the time I was 14 he was giving me cocaine.
And I just dove right into the drugs because they were my only escape. Sometimes I hate
myself so much, and I'll look at Red and I'll think about all the trauma I caused him."
Now right there you can see how that spiral of shame and self-hatred could easily escalate into
more and more drug use. The more he hated himself, the more drugs he needed to use, and then the more
he hated himself. But this man pulled himself out of this hole with love. Listen to what he says
next. He shows himself some compassion: "I was a good kid too, once. Not an academic or anything,
but a good kid. I liked school. I enjoyed making people proud of me. I think I was happy.
I remember having feelings like that before the abuse. There wasn't anything left to be proud of,
so I just burned down the rest of it. Burned it down with heroin and crack until I was finally
forced to face it because if I didn't, I'd lose my son. And that's what I want you to know,
little man. All this stuff that happened to your dad. It almost killed me,
but you came along and saved me because I always loved you more than I hated myself. This man
couldn't hate himself into changing. He couldn't hate himself into stopping his drug addiction.
The only thing that pulled him out was love. When you mess up, treat yourself like you would
a friend who made a similar mistake. Lovingly hold yourself accountable, but work hard to improve.
Don't allow yourself to abuse yourself. You're not allowed to call yourself names
or label yourself as defective. That's not only unhelpful, but it's also an excuse. So instead,
look for ways of speaking to yourself that help you become the person you want to be. The third
step to practicing self-compassion so that you can grow is: going forward, when you catch yourself
being harsh or judgmental toward your unwanted trait, first just notice how that hurts you.
Notice the pain of your self-judgment, and respond to that pain with compassion towards yourself.
Then try to find another way to speak to yourself that's encouraging and helpful. If you really want
a lasting form of motivation for change, love is more powerful than fear. The idea behind this
video comes from Kristen Neff. She has a great website. I believe it is selfcompassion.org. So
if you'd like to learn more about self-compassion, check that out. This video is one skill from my
30-skill course How to Process Your Emotions, where I teach 30 of the most essential skills
for resolving depression, anxiety, and improving mental health. Emotion processing is an essential
skill for working through intense emotions, but most people have never been taught how to do it.
I'm putting every single main video lesson on YouTube for the world to access for free. You
watching these videos, sharing them, contributing to my Patreon and my sponsors make this possible.
If you would like to access the entire course in one place ad free with its workbook,
exercises, downloads, extra videos, live Q&A's, additional short readings,
and links to extended resources, the link to buy the course is in the description below.