Hi, everybody.
Hi, have a seat.
Oh, my goodness.
All right, so relax.
Don't panic.
OK?
Ellen couldn't be here today.
It's nothing serious.
The drawbridge on her castle got stuck.
[LAUGHTER]
So I'm Wanda Sykes and on behalf of everybody, I want to say,
hello white ladies.
[LAUGHTER]
Because I'm really excited to be here today.
I am.
You know, I used to host my own talk show.
But I've never hosted a daytime talk show.
My material's a little more mature.
[LAUGHTER]
And plus, I'm a quarter vampire.
[LAUGHTER]
That's what 23 and Me said.
[LAUGHTER]
But look, you all know me, right?
You know me.
I've been on this show many, many times as a guest.
So it's like being at home.
You know, I'm used to everybody around here.
I know everybody.
You know, right Randy?
[LAUGHTER]
Oh.
Oh, is that-- Oh, Larry.
Hey, Larry, how you doing?
[LAUGHTER]
But you know, I like being up here.
This feels good.
This feels nice.
Yeah, I like this.
You know, Ellen isn't out here interrupting
me asking me all kind of--
[LAUGHTER]
--asking me all kinds of personal questions.
How are you?
How have you been?
That's none of your business.
[LAUGHTER]
She does it like she cares.
You know, I know she's just sitting
there thinking about how to transfer $3 billion
into escrow.
I know that.
[LAUGHTER]
Sometimes I can see it in her eyes.
She's like, oh how much is my bitcoin worth right now?
[LAUGHTER]
But no, actually Ellen, she always
treats me great when I'm here.
She does.
She's always really sweet to me.
You know, I know that she likes to scare a lot of her guests.
And she's never tried to scare me.
[LAUGHTER]
Which is smart because I would be the first guest
to punch her in her mouth.
[LAUGHTER]
Reflexes, I'm serious.
[LAUGHTER]
I almost kicked my kid down the steps the other day.
He tried to scare me, I was like, ah!
[LAUGHTER]
It's scary.
But you know, really, Ellen and I, we have a lot in common,
actually.
We do.
We have a lot in common.
You know, we're both lesbians, of course.
[LAUGHTER]
We're both stand up comedians.
We're um--
[LAUGHTER]
Come to think of it, I think that's about it.
I said we like the ladies, right?
I said that.
[CHEERING]
Yeah, I mean, really, yeah that's about it.
I mean, look, I don't have a Presidential Medal of freedom
award.
But then again, I wouldn't want one right now.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
No thanks.
Maybe after 2020 I'll get one.
You know, maybe I'll get one from the old lady,
the black lady, or the gay guy.
That'll be good.
[LAUGHTER]
Now, I know Ellen tries to bribe her audience with gifts,
but you know I don't need to give you stuff just to get you
on my side, right?
Yeah.
Because I know what you want.
Bring out the Chardonnay!
[APPLAUSE]
There we go.
Save one for me.
[LAUGHTER]
There we go.
You're welcome.
Hi, I'm Andy.
Ellen asked me to remind you to subscribe to her channel
so you can see more awesome videos.
Like videos of me getting scared or saying embarrassing things,
like ball peen hammer.
And also some videos of Ellen and other celebrities,
if you're into that sort of thing.
Oh, [BLEEP]!
God [BLEEP].