Hellooo, everybody!
It's officially April, which means it's the month of—
[static noise]
(The sound of a pen scratching. LOGO.)
(JEN) Are we in? Like, are we? Is it recording? Did we—did we get the channel?
(A) I—think I got it. I think we're in.
(JEN) Fuck yes. Okay. Okay shit, fine.
(Clears throat) Hello everybody.
(A) Uh, J-J-Jenna’s American.
(JEN) Oh, shit okay.
Um.
(clears throat) (A) All together?
(JEN) Okay yeah, much better, let’s do it.
(A) Yeah, yeah. Alright. Three, two, one…
(TOGETHER) Hellooo, everybody!
(JEN) If you are watching this, then it means that we, darling rebels, have succeeded in
overthrowing the cyborg army!
We are now ruling emperors of this youtube channel.
I’m Jen.
(A) And I’m A. Look, we understand this may be a little hard to digest at first, but
trust us we will bring the same quality of video that Jenna brought to hers.
(JEN) Well, with attachment rebellion, I mean, what's more rebellious than taking over the
most popular writing channel on YouTube!
(A) And to prove we aren't just talk, we have a full video planned for you guys today.
But before we dive in, first a big thank you to this video’s sponsor…uh…oh wait,
Oh. Did, did...we didn’t get ‘em?
(Jen) No. It's like, they said—(A) Oh!
(JEN) And it was like, it’s the dumbest fucking shit they've ever heard, something
like that.
It’s..I can't remember the words.
It’s—(A) Oh!
(JEN) Yeah, yeah.
(A) Oh um, okay, I gotta call my landlord after this.
Okay, so uh, scratch that.
This video is sponsored by nothing but our hopes and dreams.
We've been following Jenna's channel for a long time, and trust us we know what you guys
like.
(TOGETHER) Butters!
(JEN) We get it, Butters is obviously fucking incredible.
So to win you over today, we are going to be talking all things butters.
That's right.
We are coming to you with not one, not two, but ten incredible butters tips.
So that by the end of this video, you are going to be an expert in all things deliciously
buttery, butters.
(A) Kicking it off with Number One (1): What is butter anyway?
Butter is essentially fat separated from a cream.
How you separate the fat from the cream is anyone's guess.
Some people know, I don't, ask a professional.
(JEN) Number Two (2): How do I use butter?
The ways to use butter are truly endless.
This is where you get to be really creative.
You can put it on bread, on toast, on rolls.
Hey, put it on fuckin toasted rolls.
The list really truly is infinite.
It's also a key component in baking, very versatile.
You can even put it in a sauce.
(A) Number Three (3) Types of butter.
Once again this is limitless: stick, spreadable, low fat, not low fat, garlic, Maitre d, cannabis,
truffle, peanut, almond, cashew—there’s truly so many.
Make sure you're using the right butter for the job.
(JEN) Number Four (4): Butter is easier to spread when warm.
If you ever tried to spread cold butter on toast, I am sure you are familiar with a rage
that would frighten even Satan himself.
Bonus tip: let your butter sit out on the side for at least half an hour before using,
because it makes it extra spreadable.
(A) Number Five (5): Butter is slippery….(crickets chirping) Slick.
(JEN) Number Six (6): Liquid butter.
If butter gets too warm, it becomes fully liquid.
That means butter exists in all three states of matter: solid when it's cool, liquid when
it's warm, and gas if you have an intolerance issue.
(A) Number Seven (7): Imposter syndrome.
Have you ever thought you were eating butter, only to take a bite and learn that it's some
margarine bullshit?
Fuck that shit.
Nothing ruins a roll like fake butter.
(JEN) “But Jen..”
(A) “...A!
What if I’m trying to be healthier, and cut back on my butter consumption?”
Listen here you little shift.
You're lying to yourself.
Death’s grip is wrapped around all of our throats, squeezing tighter and tighter, until
our last little gasp of like this choke from our lungs.
And you're gonna to fuck around with a coconut oil and your brownie batter?
Yeah, Didn't think so.
Number Eight (8): Butter.
It's not just butter.
When someone is talking about butter, you need to make sure they really mean butter.
Buttering someone up?
That actually means complimenting them.
Did you also know that butter is a metalworking term?
I didn’t, I also don't actually know what that means.
It's just, it's like, it's weird, right?
Like, I'm fucking, I’m, someone else, someone cleverer will know that.
But when talking about butter, it's really, really important to make sure that everyone
is on the same page.
(A) Number Nine (9): Butter origin.
So there are many different theories as to where butter came from.
Personally, I subscribe to the idea that the Titan Prometheus stole butter from Zeus to
give to humankind.
His punishment for his theft was for his liver to be eaten every day by an eagle.
A small price to pay for butter if you ask me.
(Both laugh) (A) After we're done recording, I'm burning this wig.
(JEN) And after that delightful number nine, we have Number Ten (10)...Oh, was that?
Shit.
Was that?
That was mine?
Did you?
You didn't…okay, right.
Well fuck it.
We’re rebelling!
(A) We’re rebelling (JEN) Let’s rebel!
Oh wait, I've got it.
I've got it.
Butter is sticky.
It would make for a shit glue, and a mediocre lubricant, unless you're croissants in an
oven.
(A) Riiight.
We hope this video has uh, helped you all to learn but there's so much to know about
butter.
And we hope we gave it all to you.
(JEN) We are honored to have stolen this channel, and we will continue to bring you rebellious
content.
If you liked our little rebellion today, then you can always grab yourselves a copy of The
Rebel Diaries anthology.
An anthology of thirteen rebellious stories.
We have sapphic pirates.
We have grumpy witches.
We have ex reality TV stars.
We've got demons full of sarcasm.
And we have a stack of other characters.
Thirteen stories with every kind of rebellion possible.
So if you like your characters a little bit uh, morally gray, and uh, slicked with butter,
then you know what to do.
Grab yourselves a copy today.
If you want to find more of me, you can find me on Instagram @sachablackauthor or on your
podcatcher, just by Googling or searching for The Rebel Author Podcast.
Or you can find me on my website sachablack.co.uk.
All of the links will be below.
(A) Where can you find me?
(JEN laughs) (A) Out and about, just come on down.
(JEN) In the butter store darling, in the buttre store.
(A) Yeah just, dairy aisle.
If you wanna follow me you can find my links down below.
I've got an Instagram, and you can also find me on Samantha L Nasset’s YouTube channel,
where I contribute to her weekly live streams every Monday.
We had a party last week.
So stop on by.
(JEN) Or you can tweet me @Sacha_Black.
(A) Or you can tweet me @matthollon.
Oh kisses, kisses!
Aww look at you.
Kisses, I know.
(JEN) Ahhh, I love Jenna so much. She's so cool!
(Rumbling Male Voice) This is Brontes.
Why, the FUCK, haven’t you subscribed to Jenna’s channel?
Do you REALLY want to face me?
If you don’t do it, you know what will happen, I’ll rip out your tongue, torture you, then
leave your rotten corpse out for the birds to feast on it!
Now, press the goddamn button, and the bell, too...