♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
SAY HI TO JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
THE MAN WITH THE PLAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS SUNDAY IS FATHER DAY.
OF COURSE LAST YEAR-- YEAH, GIVE IT UP FOR THE DADS.
WHY NOT.
>> Jon: YES, I LIKE THAT?
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, LAST YEAR, BECAUSE OF THE PANDEMIC, A
LOT OF PEOPLE HAD TO SKIP FATHER'S DAY.
SO THIS YEAR, YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO MAKE UP FOR THAT BY
FORGETTING TO BUY YOUR DAD TWO GIFTS.
AND WHAT DAD DOESN'T LOVE TO GET A FATHER'S DAY CARD?
THE THING IS, ALL GREETING CARDS HAD TO START SOMEWHERE.
AND THE PEOPLE WHO WRITE THEM DON'T ALWAYS NAIL IT ON THE
FIRST TRY, WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT, WE'RE TAKING A LOOK AT SOME
EARLY EFFORTS IN OUR ONGOING SEGMENT, "FIRST DRAFTS"!
>> NO, STUPID!
>> Stephen: AS ALWAYS, WITH "FIRST DRAFTS" I NEED A
VOLUNTEER FROM THE AUDIENCE.
I SAW YOU FIRST, YOUNG LADY.
GET UP HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
RIGHT HERE,s MADAME.
HEY.
>> HELLO.
>> Stephen: HI, LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
>> LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
HI.
>> Stephen: I WOULD SAY THIS, THIS RIGHT HERE IS THE ONLY GOOD
THING THAT CAME OUT OF COVID FOR ME IS ALL THE TIME THAT WE GOT
TO SPEND TOGETHER.
>> IT WAS NICE.
>> Stephen: I WANT TO SHOW THE PEOPLE-- IT WAS NICE.
>> IT WAS, IT WAS VERY NICE.
>> Stephen: VERY PLEASANT.
YOU TURNED OUT TO BE GOOD COMPANY.
WHICH IS NICE.
>> YOU USED TO ALWAYS SAY WE SHOULD NEVER WORK TOGETHER.
>> Stephen: I DID.
I SAID WHAT IF WE DEPARTMENT LIKE IT?
THEN WHAT?
>> WORKED OUT.
>> Stephen: WORKED OUT FINE.
YOU ACTUALLY-- ONE OF THE THINGS PEOPLE MAY OR MAY NOT REMEMBER
WE DID THE FIRST FIVE MONTHS OF THE SHOW DOWN IN SOUTH CAROLINA.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: IN A LITTLE ROOM, LIKE A LITTLE LIBRARY BY
OURSELVES WITH CABLES COMING THROUGH THE WINDOW AND A
SATELLITE TRUCK ON THE LAWN.
AND YOU-- OR ONE OF THE TWO BOYS--
>> IT WAS THE BOYS FIRST AND MADELEINE.
AND WHEN THE KIDS LEFT IT WAS ME.
>> Stephen: IT WAS YOU, EXACTLY.
AND YOU WOULD BE ON A S SATELLIT LIKE ON A HEAD PHONE, WORKING
THE CAMERA.
>> MAN, THE PEOPLE THAT WORK FOR YOU ARE SO SWEET.
THEY, LIKE, LAMINATED INSTRUCTIONS IF ARE ME.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: SURE.
THEY PINNED THEM TO YOUR SLEEVE LIKE A CHILD GOING OUT INTO THE
SNOW.
>> THEY DID.
AND I WOULD GET IN THERE AND AND PUT ON THE HEADSET, "OKAY, I'M
READY," YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: LOOK AT THE BACK OF THE CAMERA, SEE THE SECOND
TOGGLE FROM THE LEFT.
SEE THE RED TOGGLE?
DON'T EVER TOUCH THAT.
>> AND THEN YOU HAD TO CRAWL OVER THE SOFA TO GET ANYTHING.
>> Stephen: YOU SHOT SOME FOOTAGE RIGHT BEFORE WE LEFT
THAT LITTLE STUDIO DOWN THERE.
THAT IS-- THAT'S A LITTLE BOOKSHELF.
>> THAT WAS THE SPY CAM.
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE MONITOR SO WE COULD SEE OURSELVES.
>> LAP TOP-- THERE WERE, LIKE, FIVE LAP TOPS THAT DID THE WHOLE
THING.
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE CAMERA THAT I WOULD TALK INTO.
THAT'S THE PROMPTER.
THAT'S THE TANGLE-- >> OH!
THE WIRES!
>> Stephen: THE WIRES ON THE FLOOR.
>> HOW MANY TIMES DID I SAY, "CAN I JUST CLEAR THE WIRES?"
>> Stephen: "YOU CANNOT TOUCH ANY WIRES THEY WOULD SAY TO
YOU."
AND THEN YOU GET TO YOUR STATION RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S WHERE YOU WOULD SIT.
>> I WOULD SIT RIGHT THERE.
>> Stephen: THAT WAS FIVE MONTHS.
>> IT WAS CRAZY.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DOING THAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> IT WAS FUN.
>> Stephen: HERE'S A GLASS OF WINE FOR YOU AND A COCKTAIL FOR
ME.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRINK IT.
YOU CAN BE A PARTY POOPER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> OKAY!
THE.
>> Stephen: DARLING, YOU KNOW HOW THIS WORKS, RIGHT?
YES.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU
ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.
YES, I HAVE IN MY HAND A FATHER'S DAY CARD, A GREETING
CARD THAT WAS SUCCESSFUL, AND THEN AFTER I READ THIS ONE, YOU
WILL HAND ME THE ONE THAT WAS THE FIRST DRAFT THAT WAS NOT
GOOD ENOUGH TO BE SOLD.
>> THIS PART HAS NOT CHANGED.
>> Stephen: PREMISE ESTABLISHED.
>> WE HAVE DONE THIS, LIKE, SIX TIMES NOW.
>> Stephen: IT'S THE FIRST TIME WE HAVE DONE IT IN FRONT OF
AN AUDIENCE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE.
HERE'S AN INSPIRING ONE: "HAPPY FATHER'S DAY.
NO ONE COULD EVER FILL YOUR SHOES!"
IT'S NICE.
A LITTLE DARK, THOUGH.
WHY ARE MY SHOES EMPTY?
( LAUGHTER )
"HAPPY FATHER'S DAY.
NO ONE COULD EVER FILL YOUR SHOES, BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD BE
CAUGHT DEAD IN THOSE CROCS."
( APPLAUSE )
THROW AWAY THE CROCS.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS FOR FATHER'S DAY FOR ME?
>> I THINK YOU REQUESTED TO SLEEP LATE.
>> Stephen: THAT IS TRUE.
THAT IS TRUE.
THAT IS ALL I WANT IS-- ALL I WANT IS UNCONSCIOUSNESS.
( LAUGHTER )
"I DON'T KNOW HOW I LUCKED OUT WITH SUCH A SENSITIVE,
EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE DAD.
BUT I AM GRATEFUL EVERY DAY THAT YOU ARE YOU."
>> OH!
THAT'S TRUE.
YOU ARE THAT, THOUGH.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> VERY SENSITIVE?
>> Stephen: THE FIRST DRAFT SAID:
"I DON'T KNOW HOW I LUCKED OUT WITH SUCH A SENSITIVE,
EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE DAD.
BUT COULD YOU PLEASE CRY LESS AROUND MY FRIENDS?"
>> THAT'S ALSO TRUE.
>> Stephen: THAT IS.
>> THAT'S VERY TRUE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: FREQUENTLY.
ESPECIALLY OUR DAUGHTER WILL GO, "ARE YOU GOING TO CRY?"
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I LOVE A GOOD CRY.
LOVE A GOOD CRY.
HERE'S A NICE ONE THAT SAYS, "DAD, YOU'RE A NON-STOP FUN
MACHINE!
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY."
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID: "DAD, YOU'RE A NON-STOP FUN
MACHINE!
BUT WE'RE BOTH TOO OLD FOR THESE HORSEY RIDES.
I'M GOING TO SLIP A DISC."
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, WHAT ABOUT-- WHAT ABOUT YOUR FATHER?
YOU GOT ANYTHING FOR PETER.
>> YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT I GOT HIM?
I CAN'T SAY THAT BECAUSE HE MIGHT WATCH THIS.
>> Stephen: DOES YOUR DAD WATCH THIS?
YOUR MOM WATCHES.
>> THEY WATCHED MONDAY NIGHT AND BOTH TOLD ME I DID A GOOD JOB.
>> Stephen: WHEN YOU CAME OUT.
>> VERY SWEET.
>> Stephen: WHISPER.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO GET HIM?
THAT'S PERFECT.
HE'S GOING TO LOVE THAT.
CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT IT IS, BUT PETER MAGEE, YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE IT.
THIS CARD SAYS: "THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS GIVING ME
A HAND TO HOLD.
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY."
THAT IS TRULY SWEET.
>> OUR KIDS WON'T HOLD OUR HANDS ANYMORE, HON.
>> Stephen: HOWEVER, THE FIRST DRAFT SAID:
"THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS GIVING ME A HAND TO HOLD.
BUT, LIKE, WHOSE HANDS WERE THOSE?"
A LITTLE DARK.
IT'S A LITTLE DARK.
THERE WAS SOME CONJECTURE IN REHEARSAL AS TO WHETHER I WOULD
CUT THAT ONE, BECAUSE IT'S A LITTLE DARK.
I'M GLAD I DIDN'T.
YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE SALTY WITH THE SWEET.
HERE'S A CARD THAT SAYS: "D.A.D."
AND INSIDE, THE LETTERS SPELL OUT "DOWN TO EARTH, AWESOME
DEVILISHLY HANDSOME."
THAT'S NICE.
EVERY DAD WOULD WANT TO GET THAT, WANT TO GET THAT.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT READ: "D.A.D., DAD, A DAD.
DAMN, WHAT ELSE STARTS WITH "D"?"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ANY OF THE CHILDREN GOING TO BE AROUND?
>> I THINK PETER.
>> Stephen: OKAY, ONE OF THEM WILL BE AROUND, OKAY.
NO PRESSURE.
NO PRESSURE, BULDY.
YOU HAVE TO HAVE ALL THE LOVE OF ALL THREE OF YOU RIGHT AT ME.
( LAUGHTER )
"NOW THAT COVID'S OVER, I CAN REUNITE WITH MY FAVORITE GUY, MY
DAD!" >> OH!
>> Stephen: SEE, LOOK AT THAT.
THEY'RE DOING THEIR PART, TOO, OUT IN THE AUDIENCE.
>> THEY REALLY ARE.
>> Stephen: BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID:
"NOW THAT COVID'S OVER, I CAN REUNITE WITH MY FAVORITE GUY,
MOM'S NEW BOYFRIEND, CHRIS!
HE LETS ME BORROW HIS JET SKI!"
>> THEY COULD HAPPEN.
>> Stephen: IT COULD HAPPEN?
>> I MEAN NOT FOR US.
>> Stephen: IT COULD HAPPEN?
>> NOT FOR US.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
>> I DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND ON THE SIDE.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T?
>> I'M TOO OLD FOR THAT.
>> Stephen: WHERE-- WHERE DO YOU HAVE HIM?
#-R
IF NOT ON THE SIDE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: HOLD ON.
FAMILY SHOW.
OKAY.
HERE'S ANOTHER ONE: I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE ALL TOGETHER AGAIN
THIS YEAR.
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE ALL TOGETHER AGAIN THIS YEAR.
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY.
>> THIS IS THE LAST ONE, EVERYBODY.
HERE WE GO.
HERE'S ANOTHER ONE: "I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE ALL
THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
>> Stephen: AND THANKS FOR DOING THESE CARDS WITH ME IN
THAT LITTLE STORAGE ROOM DOWN IN SOUTH CAROLINA EVERY HOLIDAY FOR
15 MONTHS.
>> IT WAS FUN.
>> Stephen: YEAH, AND THIS IS HOW WE DISCOVERED IT WAS OKAY TO
WORK TOGETHER.
YEAH.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN AFRAID OF YOU THIS WHOLE TIME.
>> MAYBE.
>> Stephen: WE'LL SEE, IT'S EARLY, IT'S EARLY DAYS.
THIS ONE SAYS: "DAD'S YOU'RE A STAR.
THANKS FOR SHINING YOUR LIGHT.
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY."
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID: "DAD, YOU'RE'S STAR.
I COULDN'T EXIST WITHOUT YOU BUT YOU'RE MOSTLY GAS AND IMPOSSIBLE
TO GET CLOSE TO."
EVIE MAGEE, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANDERSON COOPER.
♪♪