okay this video is two of four of my
series on how to help a child with
anxiety and in this video you're going
to learn how to create an environment
where your children can grow through
their anxiety and overcome it and we're
gonna use the analogy of a greenhouse to
talk about how to do this now the goal
of a greenhouse is not to protect plants
or to Simply keep plants safe the goal
of a greenhouse is to create a space
where plants can grow up to be
functional healthy and productive
Outdoors now one thing most people don't
know about greenhouses is that they
don't simply keep the plant comfortable
a good greenhouse actually has all sorts
of features that gradually introduce the
seedlings to challenges these are things
like fans and temperature changes pot
changes and gradually introducing the
plants to more and more difficult
conditions now your job as a parent is
not to protect your child from anxiety
but to help them learn to be resilient
so that they can be functional and
healthy humans to learn the skills to
manage emotions and make good choices
your goal is not to just make anxiety go
away now in the last video we talked
about the foundation of your Greenhouse
your mindset when you learn how to
change your fundamental approach to
anxiety you can create a space for your
kids to change their relationship to
anxiety so that they can be healthy
resilient self-assured and functional so
just to summarize part one kids look to
parents to know how to respond to
anxiety anxiety is not bad and it's not
something that has to be eliminated no
kid is going to grow up and never have
anxiety again because their parents did
everything perfectly so instead parents
can teach their kids how to relate to
anxiety and avoiding anxiety and
triggers actually makes anxiety worse
not better so a more helpful mindset is
you know it's okay to feel anxious but
we still choose our actions and this is
the foundation for growth so now let's
talk about laying the foundation for
your kids success
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okay so now let's talk about how to
create the environment for your kids
success
physical and emotional safety are like
the protective cover of your Greenhouse
this series on helping your child with
anxiety depends on your child being
actually safe so they aren't being
mistreated abused attacked right they
have food to eat and a bed to sleep on
and parents who love them now you do not
have to be perfect but if your child is
anxious and being abused like verbal
physical emotional or sexual abuse their
anxiety is actually quite functional at
sending them a message that they need to
take action or you need to take action
to help them be safe and not just make
them feel safe when they're in danger
right so food shelter and safety are an
issue make sure to focus on creating
that Foundation first but then with that
being the Assumption right that our
children are physically safe the really
cool thing about humans is that we can
face a lot of challenges and
difficulties even trauma and hardship if
we have just one thing and that's
emotional safety the number one thing
that create creates emotional safety is
connection so your relationship with
them is like the protective cover of a
greenhouse it creates the environment
where growth is possible so just like a
tiny seedling your child was helpless as
an infant and depended on you 100 for
their safety and survival
children are hardwired to seek
connection with their parents and they
rely on that connection to determine if
they feel safe or fearful so your
connection provides warmth while they
face challenges and grow so the most
important thing you can do is show them
that you can be connected even when
they're having big emotions like fear so
there are two big mistakes parents make
when they're trying to help a child with
anxiety shaming them or rescuing them so
let's talk about the first one when a
child seems anxious about something that
seems like a small thing to us we
sometimes have this gut reaction to say
oh come on like just get over it look on
the bright side right oh you shouldn't
be worried about that and this
essentially says stop feeling that way
don't feel anxious or I will disapprove
of you or what's the matter with you
like why are you making such a big deal
of this it's only school right trying to
make your child and not feel feel
anxious is shaming them the first thing
it does is it puts them in an impossible
situation it's telling them that they
shouldn't be feeling what they are
feeling and the second thing is it
breaks the safe connection with shame it
essentially communicates something about
you is bad and you need to stop for me
to like you it's kind of like pushing
that plan out of the protective cover of
the greenhouse and letting it get burned
from frost the second common mistake
parents make is rescuing their child
from anxiety so they might say oh if
sleeping alone makes you anxious I'll
sleep with you if giving a presentation
makes you anxious I'll talk to your
teacher and see if you can do an essay
instead now as parents we want to
protect our kids but in these situations
we're not protecting them from harm but
from feeling something this sends the
message that they can't actually handle
the challenge in front of them it says
oh my my parent is scared of this
feeling too and your behaviors
communicate to them that you don't
believe they're capable of facing a
challenge and that makes them trust
themselves less so not only are you
showing them that they can't handle the
outward challenge you're also
communicating that the feeling of
anxiety is dangerous now there are times
where kids aren't capable of facing a
threat right toddlers shouldn't be
playing in the road by themselves right
like four-year-olds generally shouldn't
be traveling solo through a big city
these are real and actual threats that
we should actually protect our parents
from
but as parents you need to discern
between actual threats and stuff that
feels scary but is actually safe like
giving a presentation at school or
talking with a teacher about a problem
they're having or attending preschool or
getting a vaccine now if you have done
either of these things like don't don't
blame or shame yourself right it's
normal for parents to do both and no you
probably haven't ruined your kids right
kids are actually super resilient and
super adaptable and just like them you
can grow and change too
so don't beat yourself up about any past
behaviors we're just gonna start where
we're at and move forward and that's a
mindset for yourself and for your kids
so instead of shaming them for having
feelings or rescuing them from their
feelings your job is to connect with
them while they have feelings it's not
your job to make your kids not feel
something to not feel nervous to ensure
that they feel happy you're not
responsible for changing how they feel
your job is to walk with them on their
journey to build a belief in themselves
that they can face the challenges that
come their way so you could say
something like hmm I'm here we'll figure
this out your job is to bring your
presence which communicates safety to an
uncertain situation kids often don't
remember what they were anxious about
they remember what their parents did
with it
so your loving presence communicates
that even in the face of a scary
situation or big intense emotions that
you'll be there for them no matter what
that you trust them to find their way
through and that it's all going to be
okay
so if the only thing you do for your
kids is to show them that the two of you
can face emotions together you're doing
a lot to create an environment where
your kid can learn how to relate to
anxiety resist the urge to protect and
comfort your kids and instead join them
in their process
okay so let's do some practical examples
here so if your kid is worried about his
parents leaving him at night you might
have a tendency to say oh it's not a big
deal don't be scared and that's just not
super helpful right you can't just
unfeel a feeling so instead you could
say something like ooh when you go to
bed you might have a big worry that
you'll be alone that's a scary thought
thank you so much for telling me I
wonder what we could tell that thought
now the words you say aren't nearly as
important as your presence the real
strategy here is connection we show our
kids that even when they're nervous that
we're here for them and we can sit with
that fear together and we can overcome
it together right
and even when the time comes for you to
leave you tell them you know what I know
you can face this I'll check in with you
in a few minutes to see how you're doing
so by connecting with them you bring
this sense of like Rock Solid safety to
any situation this is your protective
cover
then when you've got this solid
relationship you can help your child
face their fears so here's a few things
you could say to show them that you care
and just just before we go into this I
want to say like in the next video we're
going to talk about breaking down fears
into little bite-sized chunks and how to
actually face challenges but in this
video we're talking about the essential
essential Foundation of your connection
with them so here's some things you can
say you look uncertain can you tell me
about that
hmm it's okay to feel anxious it's a
normal feeling I'm here for you and I'll
help you through this
let's take a deep breath together and
work through this we can come up with a
plan to help you face this
I love you no matter what and we'll get
through this together now sometimes
people think that if you validate an
emotion that means that you also have to
let your child Escape that emotion so
for example if you can if you validate
that going to school makes your child
anxious then you may think oh you don't
have to make your child go to school or
if sleeping in their own bed scares them
you have to protect them by letting them
sleep with you but that's not that's not
what validation is at all it's just
saying I can feel what you're feeling
it's empathy right but your action
doesn't have to be rescuing it can be
connecting with them and challenging
them too so when we validate we can also
use the word and right oh we can feel
nervous and breathe you can cry at drop
off and still go to school
you can feel worried and still go down
the slide it's okay to feel worried I
feel that way too sometimes
a lot of emotions just need to be seen
and then they resolve themselves because
they've delivered their message a lot of
kids just want to be seen too right your
presence is more powerful than any other
strategy that I'm going to teach you but
I am going to teach you other strategies
but your presence is more important
right so as you help them face their
fears with your constant and loving
support they will get stronger and more
resilient over time in the next video
we're going to break down how to
actually coach your child through their
fears so make sure to stay tuned and if
you want to learn more about how to help
your child with anxiety I'm building out
an online course where we go into more
detail about some of these practical
strategies so make sure to check out my
website or the link in the description
to learn more okay thank you for
watching and take care
foreign
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