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Hey everybody, happy Monday.
Now today we're gonna talk about relationships
and how to have healthy and happy ones.
But before we get into that,
I know we have a lot of new people here
and if you have a question or concern
or if you're wondering if I talked about something before,
just hope into the search bar on YouTube,
put in my name, Kati Morton,
and then some key words for your search,
like relationships, anxiety, depression, or whatever.
I have over 1,200 videos, so chances are
I've talked about it already.
Okay, now to get into today's topic.
I've talked a lot about toxic relationships.
We've discussed how to deal with it
when those who are toxic are in our family,
we've gone through how to end an unhealthy friendship,
and pretty much everything in between.
I mean, I even dedicated an entire chapter in my book
to toxic relationships.
So I know it's something that we all have to deal with.
But what I haven't talked enough about,
is how to start healthy ones.
How do we make sure that we don't get into toxic
relationships in the first place?
Are there things we can do to ensure
we're picking the right people?
What about our role in relationships?
What can we do to be a better partner,
friend, or family member?
So that's what we're gonna go through today.
How to have happy and healthy relationships.
The first thing I want to address, is our past.
I know we want to change things right now,
but in order to do that, we have to recognize
what a normal relationship looks like to us.
Regardless of how good or bad our childhood was,
we all come out of it with some habits,
and what we end up thinking is normal.
So take some time and consider what your
parents relationship was like.
Did they fight a lot? Did they yell a lot?
Did they never yell, like ever ever?
Were they loving and supportive of one another?
What about how they treated you and your siblings?
How would they discipline you? Communicate to you?
Next I want you to think about your past relationships.
Is there a pattern there? Are there certain types of people
that you seek out for friendships or romantic relationships?
What about your breakups? How did those happen?
What was your role in those breakups?
Trust me, We all have our own role.
What about their role? What role did they play?
Or do you not have any relationships?
Can you think about why that is?
What are you protecting yourself from?
What would it mean if someone did actually like you
and end up getting close?
I know that's a shit ton of questions,
but something that we all need to do is just consider
what we do and don't do in relationships already,
and look for any patterns.
In all honesty that's a lot of what I do in therapy
with my patients. Help them see patterns, issues,
and even ways that they're acting out
of their childhood experience.
Trust me, we all do this.
But being aware ends up really helping when we go
looking for new and more healthy relationships,
and my second tip, slow down!
Everyone seems to rush into things these days.
Feeling the need to share their relationship status online,
wait, is that even a thing anymore? I might be too old.
But either way, I know that many of my friends feel
pressured to find a mate, get married, have kids because
that quote unquote "clock is ticking".
Uck. I'm sick of it.
No good relationship was rushed, or forced.
Friendships, or romantic relationships.
It takes time to healthily let someone in,
get to know them well, and even get to know yourself
in that relationship, trust me, sometimes we're both great
but together it's just a bad recipe,
and you should have time to consider how things are going.
How you feel. What your friends think about this new person.
I know some of you might even hate that I said that,
but trust me, our friends can often see things we can't,
and let's be truthful, if we don't trust our friends take
on things, then why are we friends with them at all?
Rushing into any kind of relationship can sometimes be okay,
when it just magically works out and you get along
really well for years and years to come, but usually
it leads us to find out things way too late.
Like let's say it's a romantic relationship we're talking
about and we get married too quickly. Then we realize that
they have a gambling addiction, and we had no idea
and they have all this debt.
Or maybe they're into some kinky sex stuff,
and you just aren't.
I don't know, I mean there's so many facets to each of us
so make sure you're giving yourself the time to see
who they truly are, and allow them to really see you too.
Number three, Give each other space.
This ones important because codependency is a real thing
people, and it's so common.
In order to grow as a person and continue doing all
the things we love, we need to have the space to just
be ourselves.
This could be having time for friendships or romantic
relationships, no one person should expect you to spend
all your time with them.
Sure they could like being with you and not have a problem
spending a lot of time together, but you should both feel
free to do things on your own, make decisions on your own,
and just be yourself.
If we don't allow our new friend, or loved one,
and ourselves the space to do what we love,
we don't grow together, we smother together
and just like a fire, if you smother it, it will go out.
So make sure you feel free in any relationship
to go, and do your own thing.
This kind of ties into a story that I told in my book about
a boyfriend of mine really really smothering me,
and I ended up asking him if he needed or wanted me,
and he emphatically was like 'I need you', and I knew
at that point, I had to break up with him,
and I know that can sound like really dramatic,
but it's true. We all should be wanted, not needed.
Because we all are whole on our own,
We have everything we need inside ourselves.
Number four, show mutual respect.
Once we've slowed down and gotten to know each other well
and are settled into our relationship, we should have
a certain level of respect for one another.
You've got a really busy week and don't think you'll
have time for dinner?
I totally get it, thanks for letting me know ahead of time.
If I'm upset with our last conversation, you listen to me
and you let me explain my side, and then I listen to you
and I get your take on it.
Relationships are a lot of push and pull, give and take,
but that all comes with mutual respect.
I can't tell you how many times I overhear a couple fighting
saying terrible things to one another, shouting at someone
in public is not respectful to either of you.
Neither is calling you names, or telling the other person
how terrible you think they are.
We all have to show respect for those we are in
relationships with, otherwise it can turn toxic.
Then fifth and finally, be willing to forgive.
No one is perfect, and expecting that from ourselves
or someone else, that's not healthy at all.
We all say things we don't mean, we're gonna let each other
down and do things that we wish we could take back.
Expecting perfection from anyone we're in a relationship
with will only force it into the toxic realm.
We all have to be open to hearing them out,
listening while they explain, and sharing our own
point of view without yelling, or being disrespectful.
If we have the other tips we already talked about,
they're already happening in your relationship,
we should be good to go.
We should be able to listen, seek to understand their side
and feel heard ourselves.
Then, we should be able to process through what happened,
make changes where needed, and move on.
We all need forgiveness at some point in our lives,
and those we have close relationships with will be
the first to give it to us, and to ask for it when needed.
We will all be in relationships that don't work out,
and unfortunately I can't tell you exactly how to find
people that'll be healthy for you, because we're all
different and that's what makes it so wonderful!
But I assure you, keeping these tips in mind will ensure
that the relationships you start have a chance to succeed,
and if for whatever reason it doesn't work out,
know that that's okay too.
Some relationships just run their course, or you grow
apart or you have different goals in life.
Let's not forget that people change, but if we do our best
to check our own baggage, take our time, give them space
when they need it, show them respect and be willing to
forgive, we are setting ourselves up for healthy
and happy relationships.
I hope you found this helpful, and if there are tips that
you would like to share that have helped you cultivate
healthy, happy relationships
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please leave those in the comments down below,
and I will see you next time.
Bye!
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