Have you ever delivered a weather report?
Not yet. Not yet?
OK.
All right.
102.
All right, you're ready.
Just stand right here.
OK.
Are you ready?
Thanks for watching Trump TV.
Here's a look at some of the weather that's
making news around the country.
Hurricane Lupe, tropical cyclone Jamal Abdul-Aziz.
And as for you, New Yorkers, you may
catch the tail end of the tropical storm Moscowitz.
So stock up on your pickles or whatever.
Ech.
I, for one, dream of a day when there are no more hurricanes.
That's your forecast from Trump TV.
Have a great day.
We got two cameras right here.
TRIUMPH: It's Mr. Trump's network.
OK.
We're even going to have a late-night program.
And it's going to be hosted by Donald Trump
Jr. everybody in the campaign just
thinks he's the funniest guy.
Wow.
TRIUMPH: He'll be the host.
And we're looking for a sidekick.
So our stage manager is going to read some of the jokes
that we have prepared for DTJ.
Nice.
And you do what the sidekick does.
Good sidekick.
So--
Yes.
TRIUMPH: --take it away.
OK.
Live from the top of Trump Tower,
it's Above it All with Donald Trump Jr.
And now, the second-funniest man in the world,
or on earth, Donald Trump Jr.
Thanks, loser.
I'm kidding.
I don't think you're a loser.
I just can't remember your name.
It's fine. It's fine.
You know, what?
It's Spencer.
Let's see what's happening in the mainstream media.
Looks like the Malaysian government
finally figured out how that missing plane disappeared.
They pissed off the Clintons.
Wow.
TRIUMPH: Laughter, please.
(LAUGHING) Oh, that's--
[LAUGHS]
Some good news came out today.
A man holding customers hostage with a gun
at a McDonald's was taken down by police without harming
any people inside.
Unless, of course, you count McDonald's employees as people.
[LAUGHS]
[SIGHS]
Seriously though, our thoughts and prayers
are with anyone so poor they have to eat at McDonald's.
[LAUGHS]
Like you, you poor slob.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, good crowd.
Good crowd.
Lying Ted Cruz is in the news.
He was arrested for striking his wife in the face.
[LAUGHS]
Police were tipped off when she suddenly got better looking.
[LAUGHS]
TRIUMPH: And that's-- do we have any more jokes?
That's the run.
TRIUMPH: OK, how about a little banter.
Just improvise, you two.
Sure.
And this time, try and work in a Hillary slam
into whatever the story is.
SPENCER: OK.
OK, here we go.
So uh, what do you do for uh-- for fun?
Well, I like to go-- I like to hang out with friends,
uh, go see movies.
Uh, go drinking.
PRODUCER: Mhm.
Especially after this whole uh, this election.
That last Hillary speech just made me in the mood
for a drink.
PRODUCER: Yeah?
Yeah.
Did you uh-- did you drink a lot?
Uh-- I-- I-- I couldn't remember.
I couldn't tell you.
Blacked out. PRODUCER: Oh really?
Yeah.
Do you black out a lot?
I'll-- especially when it's talking about Hillary, yes.
Do you think Donald Trump's going to be a good president?
Oh, he's going to be the best.
PRODUCER: Yeah? - Oh yeah.
Great.
TRIUMPH: That's great.
You guys are killing it.
We're very happy with what we see.
And here's a little-- a little glitch.
I just want to-- I don't know what your ethnicity is.
Mhm.
TRIUMPH: What is it?
Oh, well, I'm Cuban on my mother's side
and Italian on my father's.
TRIUMPH: That's what I figured.
OK, I believe you.
It's just that this is-- please take no offense at this.
This is just a formality.
Do we have the pork?
OK.
TRIUMPH: Just need you to-- we have lots of choices there.
SPENCER: Yes.
TRIUMPH: Just take any one you want and eat it
and then we'll know.
Mr. Trump has taken so much criticism.
Hmm.
TRIUMPH: And right now it's just not the time to hire a Muslim.
He has nothing against the Muslim people.
He's just-- he understands the--
Sure.
TRIUMPH: Anyway, just-- if you could eat the pork?
Mhm.
TRIUMPH: Could you open your mouth and just ah?
Ah.
TRIUMPH: So we can see how just-- get in tight on it.
OK, all right.
Thank you.
All right, so let's start right here.
We'll just hang out for a second here.
Sure.
PRODUCER: Next voice you hear will be the casting director.
Oh, Barron, you didn't even try it.
Whatever shall I do with you?
Hello.
Hello there.
It's the voice of God.
TRIUMPH: Yes, how are you?
I'm good.
TRIUMPH: Well--
Actually, the voice of two gods.
TRIUMPH: Well, we're just casting directors in the booth.
Are you familiar with the endeavor we're doing here,
the network?
I am not.
No one has told me anything.
TRIUMPH: OK.
So tell us your name.
My name is Alan
TRIUMPH: Alan?
OK, thank you for coming.
Sure.
You're playing the part of the butler
for a new show on Trump TV.
So this is going to be played by the real Barron Trump.
You know, it's like the "Hannah Montana."
All right.
In this version, Barron's tired of being rich and famous.
So he decides, ultimately, he's going
to trade places with an identical cousin who's
only the son of a millionaire.
So he gets to see how the other half lives.
And you know, you are Barron's butler.
And you accompany him to his lower-status life.
And you're also his best friend.
But he's a handful.
What we're going to do is we're going to run through the scene.
Hey Butler, what's taking so long.
Oh, I'm so sorry master Barron.
I just wanted to make sure that your Shirley
Temple was just right for you.
There you go, sir.
This sucks.
[SIGHS]
But master Barron, you didn't even try your Temple.
Whatever am I to do with you?
Shut up, or I'll tell my dad you touch me.
Oh.
[TRIUMPH COUGHS]
TRIUMPH: What I'd like to see is a little more
over the top from you. - Oh, would you-- oh, would you?
TRIUMPH: You know what?
This time can we try this with the penne?
Do we have the penne?
The penne.
TRIUMPH: So do we have the penne?
There's the penne.
TRIUMPH: OK, OK. - Wonderful.
TRIUMPH: Go ahead.
Let's do the scene again.
Hey butler, what's taking so long?
Oh I'm sorry, master Barron.
I was trying to make sure that your penne
is just perfect for you.
There you are, sir.
Cooked especially to your liking.
Sucks.
[SIGHS]
Oh--
[LAUGHS]
I like it. I like it.
You know what?
The only problem in that one was the penne.
Can we have rigatoni or anything?
It's just a slightly-- oh there, we do have it.
OK, good. - Here we go.
Oh.
TRIUMPH: Just a slightly larger noodle.
Wunderbar.
[LAUGHS]
OK, let's pick it up, right from the second line.
Sorry, master Barron.
I was just trying to make sure that your rrr-rigatoni
was just perfect for you.
I made it just the way that you like it.
There you go sir, with a doily and all.
There, wonderful.
This sucks.
[SIGHS]
[LAUGHS]
TRIUMPH: OK, better.
Barron, you should aim for the face.
Just to get the impression.
Do we have more pasta?
We're actually out of pasta, I'm being told.
Oh.
- We have cake? - Oh.
TRIUMPH: Oh, OK, I could go with that.
We have cake.
CHILD: Go for the face?
Oh but master Barron, I just wanted
to make sure that the cake was to your liking.
I put special flavoring on it just for you.
There you go, sir.
I hate the color pink.
Perhaps I should take it back to the--
CHILD: Yes, you should.
--kitchen and find a chocolate.
I shall return.
You suck.
Horribly.
Thank you for reminding me once again, sir.
Kick him in the nuts.
[MUSIC PLAYING]