-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
You're here. You made it. [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
This weekend was the divisional round
of the NFL playoffs, and after all four games
were decided on the final play, people are calling it
the greatest playoff weekend of all time.
Well, everyone from Buffalo, Green Bay, Tennessee, and Tampa
are like not, "Eh, not so much." [ Laughter ]
That's right, Tom Brady and the defending champion
Tampa Bay Buccaneers were knocked out of the playoffs.
Brady's really not used to losing.
He normally commutes home via parade.
[ Laughter ]
Now there are reports that Brady isn't sure
if he'll play next year.
Then, today, Gisele said, "We're invited to dinner
on Sunday with our neighbors."
And Brady was like, "I'm playing next year."
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Brady said he might retire
to spend more time with his kids.
Then, his kids were like, "Dad, we're 35.
Do what you got to do." [ Laughter ]
Yeah, it was a weekend of upsets.
On Saturday, Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers
hosted the San Francisco 49ers and lost in Green Bay.
Yep. -Whoo!
-In other words, Aaron Rodgers failed his at-home test.
[ Laughter ]
And ahead of his loss to the 49ers,
Rodgers criticized the CDC, President Biden,
and the "fake White House" in an interview with ESPN.
What a year for Rodgers. He could be the first person
named MVP and governor of Florida.
[ Laughter ]
Did you guys hear about this? President Biden
and Bernie Sanders are in a bit of a feud
after Biden tried to distance himself from the far left
by saying, "I'm not Bernie Sanders."
Then Bernie snapped back, saying, "I'm not Joe Biden."
[ Laughter and applause ]
If things start to get physical, they're gonna have to be
separated by a light breeze.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Usually when guys this old fight, it's over a parking space
outside their water aerobics class.
[ Laughter ]
No one saw this feud coming. It's rare to see
the two Muppets from the balcony heckle each other.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Well, this was pretty cool.
January is National Blood Donor Month.
So if you donate blood, you can get a dozen free doughnuts
from Krispy Kreme or a free coffee from Dunkin'.
-Wait. So you can donate for a doughnut?
-Yeah. You get a dozen doughnuts if you donate.
But if you do not, you do not get a doughnut
if you do not donate.
-What's the due date? -Don't know.
But if you do not donate by the doughnut due date,
you do not get a dozen doughnuts.
[ Laughter ] -Darn it.
-"Darn it"? -Yeah.
I do all my doughnut dining at Dunkin'.
-But, dude, don't worry.
Dunkin's doing decaf if you donate.
-So you're telling me... [ Laughter ]
...you do not get a doughnut if you do or do not donate,
but if you do get some decaf, you donate,
and you get to dine out at Dunkin'?
-Duh. If you do not donate, you do not get doughnuts.
But don't not donate at Dunkin' 'cause Dunkin' gives decaf
if you dine out and donate by the due date.
-Dude. -Dope.
-Donate? -You'll do it?
-No, I'm not allowed to give blood.
[ Laughter ] I got mad cow disease.
-Oh, I'm sorry about that. Let's move on.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I didn't know that. -Oh, it's all right.
Guys, get this. The FBI has said
an unruly passenger on a Delta flight
was taken into custody after he refused to wear a mask
and mooned a flight attendant and other passengers.
[ Laughter ]
The man ultimately apologized
and then returned to the cockpit to fly the plane.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, researchers have found that drinking red wine
can lower your risk of COVID infection.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Red wine cures COVID.
That sounds like a sign your Aunt would hang in her kitchen.
[ Laughter ]
That's right. Red wine can lower your risk
of COVID, but you got to be careful,
because it can also lower your pants on a Delta flight.
Well, guys, everyone was talking about this.
Last night, at the end of a White House photo op,
journalists weren't supposed to ask any questions.
But Fox News reporter Peter Doocy
asked President Biden whether inflation
would hurt him in the midterms,
and a hot mic picked up Biden's response.
Watch this.
[ Laughter and applause ]
When your age is almost 80
and your approval rating's almost 30,
you can pretty much say whatever you want, I think.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, listen, if Biden's next three years
are going to be grandpa at Thanksgiving, sign me up.
I'm in, I'm in.
You could tell that felt good for Biden,
because today he was fielding questions like,
"Yeah, the moron in the back."
[ Laughter ]
"How about Dopey in the corner, you got something to say?"
Thankfully there were no hard feelings,
and Biden even called Doocy to clear the air.
Listen to this.
-That led to a phone call from the president
within about an hour of the salty exchange,
Biden telling Doocy, quote, "It's nothing personal, pal."
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Then Biden said,
"I'll say it again real slow so you can understand.
It's nothing personal, pal."
Not sure that excuse really flies.
It's sort of up there with, "Don't take this the wrong way."
"Don't take this the wrong way, but you look tired."
I hate when people tell me I look tired.
Can we just take that out of our vernacular?
-Yes. -Why would you say that?
-Well, also -- -"Hey, you look bad."
-[ Laughs ] It's like, "Thank you.
Yeah, but actually, I'm not tired.
I slept great last night. This is how I look not tired."
Of course, all the networks were reporting on the exchange.
But I saw that the far-right network OAN
accidentally added insult to injury for Peter Doocy.
Take a look.
-President Biden, the United States president,
calls for Fox News White House correspondent Peter Douchey.
He called him, quote, "a stupid son of a [bleep]"
[ Laughter ]
-Peter Douchey.
[ Applause ]
-[ Laughs ]
-Peter Douchey.
Biden was like, "Thanks, I'll have to use that one tomorrow.
I appreciate it."
That was like, "Peter Douchey -- I'm sorry.
[ Clears throat ] Penis Douchey.
I'm s-- I'm sorry. I can't read this.
Peter Doocy."
Peter Doocy actually heard that anchor
and was like, "You stupid some of a --"
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, Biden is already dealing with enough
as tensions continue to rise
over a Russian invasion of Ukraine.
The Department of Homeland Security has warned
that Russia could launch a cyberattack against the U.S.
Yeah, they're basing this on evidence
from every day for the last 60 years.
[ Laughter ]
But the attacks could be serious.
Russia could cripple the electrical grid
or, worse, turn off TikTok.
[ Laughter ]
Americans are like, "Just in case,
I'm changing my password from '1234' to '1234!'"
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
That's right.
Yeah, an attack on our electrical grid
would ground commercial flights.
So at United, it'll be pretty much business as usual.
[ Laughter ]
And, of course, former President Trump
decided to weigh in on the Ukraine/Russia crisis.
In a statement, he said this never would have happened
under his administration.
Yeah, 'cause he would have just called Putin like,
"Just take it."
[ Laughter ]
"What the hell do I care? Just take it."
-"Sir."
-Yeah, "Sir."
Trump didn't stop there.
He also claimed that under his administration,
the green M&M would still be sexy.
[ Laughter ]
Let's change gears.
I read that the SAT exam is going fully digital
and being shortened from three hours to two.
Wow, that's like -- that's like --
Sorry, I don't have an analogy.
I bombed on the verbal on my SATs.
I'm more of a math guy.
[ Laughter ]
Who cares? I signed my name.
I got 200 points.
Eventually the exam will just be one question --
"Do you have $200,000 to pay for college?"
[ Laughter ] "No."
"Perfect, come on in."
[ Applause ]
Some business news.
Twitter is reportedly working on a "close friends" feature
that would let users share tweets with up to 150 people.
That story again --
Twitter is inventing the group chat from hell.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, a puffer fish named Goldie
had to undergo emergency dental work
because her teeth were too big.
Here she is before and after. Look at this.
[ Laughter ]
The hardest part was putting on the lead vest for the X-ray.
When the dentist said, "You may experience some swelling,"
the puffer fish was like,
"Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm a puffer fish.
I'm used to it, you stupid son of a --"
There you go.
A search for a new Supreme Court justice has begun.
Today, it was announced that the oldest justice on the bench,
Stephen Breyer, is retiring.
Yep, at 83, Breyer only has two options --
either retire or play quarterback
for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
[ Laughter ] That's the only thing he's got.
Yep, Breyer said he wants to retire so he can spend more time
looking like a wise shopkeeper from a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
-Yeah, it was clear Breyer's been thinking about this.
During the last case, the only question he asked was,
"When's nap time?"
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Breyer is retiring at 83.
Meanwhile, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi just announced
she's seeking re-election despite turning 82 in March.
And now other members of the House
are speaking out about her decision.
For example, Congressman Don Young said...
[ Laughter ]
-Really?
-Next up, Congressman French Hill said...
[ Laughter ]
Then Congresswoman Lucy McBath said...
[ Laughter ]
Then Congressman Susan Wild said...
[ Laughter ]
And Congressman Ted Budd said...
[ Laughter ]
Congressman Barry Moore said...
[ Laughter ]
-Wow! [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Applause ]
-And, finally, Congressman Neal Dunn said...
[ Laughter and applause ] Everyone had something to say.
At least -- Everyone's very vocal.
Speaking of Congress, a bipartisan group of Senators
just announced legislation to make the U.S.
more prepared for a pandemic.
Wow, great timing.
[ Laughter ]
Next week, they're gonna come up with a plan to fight this
Y2K thing I keep hearing about. [ Laughter ]
And listen to this -- Rudy Giuliani was asked
to turn over files for an election lawsuit against him,
but he said that he can't
because the FBI seized all of his computers.
[ Laughter ]
I'm no legal expert, but...
[ As Jeff Foxworthy ] ..."if all your evidence
from one investigation is being used in another,
you might be going to jail."
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Normal voice ] Hey, this is cool.
Yesterday, David Ortiz was elected
to the baseball Hall of Fame.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Big Papi.
And that's not the only good news he got.
Check out the phone call that Ortiz got later that same day.
Watch this.
-Hi. I'm calling for David Ortiz.
-This is David Ortiz.
-Hi, David. I'm Nathan.
I'm calling in regards to your Seamless order,
the carnitas burrito with a side of queso.
I'd like to apologize.
We're actually running a little bit late.
But in order to make up for that,
we're throwing in free chips and guac for you.
-Yes! [ Cheering ]
That's right. Congratulations, Mr. Ortiz.
-Amazing. -Free?
Wow. -And guac?
-Yeah.
And, finally, this is going viral on TikTok.
A police officer in South Dakota
showed up at a woman's door for a pretty unusual reason.
Take a look at this video.
[ Doorbell ringing ]
-I know I'm not who you're expecting, but...
-Hi. -Your driver got arrested for
warrants he didn't take care of. [ Laughter ]
So, I figured I'd complete the DoorDash.
-[ Laughing ] Thank you so much!
-Take care. -Thanks!
-Come on. -Come on.
[ Applause ]
He's a good man. That's right.
The officer delivered her DoorDash order
while an Uber Eats guy took the driver to jail.
A giant winter storm is heading for the East Coast.
But I saw this one tweet from NBC News
that wasn't super-helpful.
It said New York City could see
between 2 inches and 20 inches of snow this weekend.
-[ Laughter ] -Oh, thanks a lot.
-Yeah, now I know.
-Pretty big range right there. I don't know --
Who's making these predictions? The CDC?
[ Laughter ]
"Six feet, three feet, ten days, five days.
We don't know. We don't know."
Yeah, so you'll either be going to work
or you'll be buried inside your house,
so get ready.
Some business news.
Bud Light just announced they're releasing Bud Light Next,
a zero-carb beer that they spent nearly ten years trying to make.
Ten years.
Wow. Somehow it took a few months for the Pfizer vaccine,
but ten years for Bud Light Next.
Here's some good news.
Delta Airlines will soon bring back
hot meal service on its flights.
Meanwhile, Spirit is like, "That's why we put the engine
in the cabin, so people can heat up whatever they want."
Hey, guys, I read that Elon Musk took his kids to Walmart
so they could see the pandemic
toilet-paper shortage firsthand.
[ Laughter ]
His kids were like, "This is crazy, Dad!
Why don't they just use $100 bills like we do?"
"That's right. Let's go home now."
Finally, I heard, because of staff shortages,
the governor of New Mexico had to fill in
as a substitute teacher at an elementary school.
Yeah, it's pretty effective when the teacher says,
"Behave, or I'm raising your parents' property taxes."
The east coast is currently getting hit by a bomb cyclone
that's going to dump anywhere from 1 to 2 feet of snow.
[ Laughter ]
For parents, that means 20 inches of snow outside
and 20 hours of "Encanto" inside.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, the blizzard is on track
to be so bad, Boston could be in
for one of its biggest snowstorms ever.
[ Audience oohs ]
Don't worry -- the plows have been instructed
to focus on Boston's most essential places --
schools, hospitals, and Dunkin' Donuts.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, the weather in Boston is so bad,
Bill Belichick has switched
from his short-sleeve ripped sweatshirt
to his long-sleeve ripped sweatshirt.
[ Laughter ]
Now, that's cold. -Cold.
-That's cold.
Well, here's some wild news.
Today, President Biden went to Pittsburgh.
Did you guys hear about this?
Went to Pittsburgh to talk about the need
for his infrastructure bill.
And thankfully, nobody was seriously injured,
but just hours before his arrival,
a bridge in Pittsburgh actually collapsed.
[ Audience gasps ]
Biden didn't even give his speech.
He just stuck his head out his car window and go, "Told ya!"
[ Laughter ]
And it turns out, back in 2019,
the bridge was given a condition rating of "poor."
First of all, when it comes to bridges,
shouldn't it just be more of a pass/fail type of deal?
[ Laughter ]
It's either on or it's off, you know?
Well, this is fun.
Today, the Bidens announced a new addition to the family,
a 2-year-old tabby cat named Willow.
[ Audience aws ]
Yeah, the president is thrilled to have a cat.
Now he can finally say he got something fixed.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Clap if you feel like --
It keeps you warm if you clap, yeah.
I think it's going to be fun
when the cat walks across Biden's keyboard
and it sets off war with Russia.
[ Laughter ]
Right now, the White House staff is amusing the cat
with the same laser pointer they used to keep Trump entertained.
[ Laughter ]
[ Imitating Trump ] "It was over there. No, it's over there.
No, it's on that wall."
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Chuckles ]
[ Normal voice ] Biden's been busy this week.
Ukraine's President called and told him
to calm down the messaging about a potential Russian invasion
because it's making people panic.
Yeah, we all know nothing calms people down more
than saying, "Calm down."
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Ukraine's President said there's no reason to panic.
Then he was like, "Now, if you need me,
I'll be fleeing to Poland."
[ Laughter ]
Well, Biden isn't the only world leader
trying to find a solution to the Russia-Ukraine crisis.
Today, French President Emmanuel Macron
spoke on the phone with Vladimir Putin.
Macron was like, "If you invade France,
we'll have to get involved."
And Putin was like, "No, seriously, why did you call?"
[ Laughter ]
Hey, listen to this.
I heard that New Hampshire is going to start
selling rapid COVID tests at liquor stores.
You'll know your uncle's got a problem when he's like,
[ Slurred ] "I tested negative 75 times this week.
[ Laughter ]
75. Negative."
[ Applause ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Normal voice ] And finally, a company
is recalling thousands of chainsaws
because they can spontaneously start running
after being switched off.
If there's one word
you don't want to describe your chainsaw,
it's "spontaneous."