(audience applauds)
♪ Who will be the Baby of the Year ♪
♪ Look at their rolls ♪
♪ Look at their folds ♪
♪ Look at their rummy, bummy tummies ♪
♪ Heads are round ♪
♪ Bellies are squishy ♪
♪ Look at the toes, like so many curled canned shrimp ♪
♪ Are they ticklish ♪
♪ Are they jigglish ♪
♪ Can they be tricked ♪
♪ Can they be chucked ♪
♪ Which ones will move ♪
♪ Which ones will talk ♪
♪ But more important, which ones can dance ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Who will be Baby of the Year ♪
(audience cheers and applauds)
- Thank you.
Oh, welcome back.
It's been a grueling three months,
but we've narrowed it down to three chubby little babies.
(audience applauds)
From Salisbury, North Carolina, Michael Patrick Porkins.
(audience cheers and applauds)
(chiming)
From Luverne, North Dakota, little Taffy Lee Fubbins.
(chiming)
(audience cheers and applauds)
And the bad boy of the competition, Bart Harley Jarvis.
(heavy rock music)
(audience boos)
- Fuck you, Harley Jarvis!
- Get her out!
God dammit!
(clears throat)
Judges, do you need anymore information
to help you with your decision?
- I have firmly made up my mind.
- I would like more information.
- I'm a wreck right now.
- I understand, this is a hard decision.
Let's hear once again from the babies' pediatrician.
(light instrumental music)
(audience cheers and applauds)
(clears throat)
- Baby Porkins is 99th percentile in weight.
(audience awwing)
And 10th percentile in height.
(audience gasps)
- Ooh, we got a certified chode on our hands.
Little tuna can.
(audience laughs)
- [Dr. Skull] Baby Fubbins also 90th percentile in weight.
- Ooh, another chode.
- Mr. Jarvis is one of the most
aggressive babies I've ever met.
(audience booing)
He has a massive underbite,
and completely flat back of the head.
- I hope you fucking die, Harley Jarvis.
- Get him out of here!
- Now, I'm honestly done.
I don't want to read anymore.
(audience booing)
- Yeah, don't let him ruin your day, okay?
You're still a great doctor.
(light instrumental music)
(audience applauds)
All right, judges, do you need more time?
- It's Porkins by a mile.
(audience applauds)
The button nose, the apple cheeks, he's the best baby.
- If Taffy Lee Fubbins isn't the best baby of the year,
I'll kill myself on live TV.
(audience gasps)
- Stop saying that.
- All right, (laughs) that's it.
I have to get this off my chest.
Earlier today, when I was waiting to use
the private bathroom, I witnessed
Michael Patrick Porkins' father performing oral
on the mystery judge of the competition.
(audience groans)
(dramatic music)
I have been conflicted about whether to say anything,
because I feel like Michael Patrick Porkins
could win it, even without the oral.
His father didn't need to do the oral.
And that is why this is so tough
for me to tell about the oral.
- Aw man, that's a bummer.
Might fuck this whole thing up.
(upbeat instrumental music)
All right, while the judges make their decision,
let's watch our in memoriam segment.
- Oh, no.
- Calm down, they're old ones.
They don't stay babies forever, idiot.
Fucking stupid asshole.
(soft R&B music)
- [Announcer] Little Denny Doo Dinkins,
92, respiratory failure.
Shirley Cratsworth Shane, 78, car crash.
- In memoriams don't usually include how they died.
- Shut up.
- [Announcer] Little Jeffy Jeremy, 96, throat slashed.
- God.
(screaming)
- Oh, somebody get her.
She's trying to get Jarvis.
(screaming)
(thud)
All right, you know what, this is dumb.
Dump it.
Trash it, this one's garbage.
- [Announcer] Tiny Dinky Daffy, 92,
pancaked by drunk dump truck driver.
(upbeat pop music)