WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW"" EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVE!
I HAVE A LOT TO BE THANKFUL FOR.
I HAVE MY FRIENDS I WORK WITH.
WE LIVE IN THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, THAT'S FOR SURE.
AND YOU KNOW WHO HAS A LOT TO BE THANKFUL FOR?
DONALD TRUMP.
NOT ONLY IS HE GOING TO BE THE PRESIDENT, BUT HE HAS THE MOST
AMAZING FAMILY.
YESTERDAY HE TOLD STAFFERS AT "THE NEW YORK TIMES" THAT
HIS SON-IN-LAW JARED KUSHNER COULD HELP BROKER PEACE IN THE
MIDDLE EAST.
AND AFTER THAT, MAYBE HE COULD BROKER PEACE BETWEEN AMERICA AND
THE OTHER HALF OF AMERICA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
JUST LIKE-- PLEASE.
PLUS, DONALD TRUMP IS THE RICHEST PRESIDENT EVER.
SURE, LINCOLN MADE A FORTUNE ON THOSE LOGS, BUT THEN HE LOST IT
ALL ON HIS GIANT HAT ADDICTION.
( LAUGHTER ) VERY SAD.
AND WITH ALL OF TRUMP'S BUSINESSES, THERE ARE BOUND TO
BE CONFLICTS OF INTEREST.
FOR INSTANCE, LAST WEEK "ABOUT 100 FOREIGN DIPLOMATS FROM
BRAZIL TO TURKEY, GATHERED AT THE TRUMP INTERNATIONAL HOTEL IN
WASHINGTON D.C. TO SIP TRUMP-BRANDED CHAMPAGNE, DINE ON
SLIDERS, AND HEAR A SALES PITCH ABOUT THE U.S. PRESIDENT-ELECT'S
NEWEST HOTEL."
WELL, OF COURSE, TRUMP HOTELS SERVE SLIDERS.
I MEAN, THOSE MINI-BURGERS MAKE TINY HANDS LOOK HUGE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT I'M NOT SURE THE SALES PITCH
WAS EVEN NECESSARY.
ONE DIPLOMAT SAID: "WHY WOULDN'T I STAY AT HIS
HOTEL BLOCKS FROM THE WHITE HOUSE, SO I CAN TELL THE NEW
PRESIDENT, 'I LOVE YOUR NEW HOTEL!'
ISN'T IT RUDE TO COME TO HIS CITY AND SAY, 'I AM STAYING
AT YOUR COMPETITOR?'" YEAH, IT WOULD BE RUDE FOR A
FOREIGN DIPLOMAT TO MEET PRESIDENT TRUMP AND NOT STAY AT
A TRUMP HOTEL, SAME WAY IT WOULD BE RUDE TO COME TO AMERICA TO
MEET PRESIDENT KENNEDY AND NOT FLY INTO J.F.K.
AND LAST WEEK, TRUMP ALSO MET WITH SOME OF HIS INDIAN BUSINESS
PARTNERS WHO ARE BUILDING A TRUMP-BRANDED LUXURY APARTMENT
COMPLEX SOUTH OF MUMBAI, SEEN HERE ON TWITTER, GIVING TRUMP
THE THUMBS UP AND ETHICS THE MIDDLE FINGER.
( LAUGHTER ) , OF COURSE, NOW THAT HE IS
GOING TO BE THE PRESIDENT, BUSINESS CANNOT OCCUPY ALL OF
DONALD TRUMP'S ATTENTION.
HE'S GOT TO SAVE THAT FOR TWITTER, LIKE HIS RECENT TWEETS
ABOUT "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
"I WATCHED PARTS OF @NBCSNL "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" LAST
NIGHT.
IT IS A TOTALLY ONE-SIDED BIASED SHOW, NOTHING FUNNY AT
ALL.
EQUAL TIME FOR US?" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) "EQUAL TIME FOR US?"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EQUAL-- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, "EQUAL TIME FOR US?"
THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS, BUDDY.
YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE PRESIDENT.
THAT'S THE GUY WHO GETS MADE FUN OF.
IF YOU WANTED TO BE SOMEONE EVERYONE LOVES, YOU SHOULD HAVE
RUN FOR ICE CREAM MAN.
AND IT'S THE PERFECT JOB FOR SOMEONE WHO CAN DISH IT OUT BUT
CAN'T TAKE IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND ON MONDAY, TRUMP POPPED OVER
TO THE YOUTUBE TO ADDRESS TO THE NATION.
>> TODAY, I WOULD LIKE TO PROVIDE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WITH
AN UPDATE ON THE WHITE HOUSE TRANSITION AND OUR POLICY PLANS
FOR THE FIRST 100 DAYS.
ON REGULATION, I WILL FORMULATE A RULE WHICH SAYS THAT FOR EVERY
ONE NEW REGULATION, TWO OLD REGULATIONS MUST BE ELIMINATED.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
FOR EVERY NEW RULE, WE LOSE TWO OLD ONES.
"HMM, OKAY, SO WE JUST SET NEW STANDARDS FOR CARBON EMISSIONS,
SO ARSON AND MURDER ARE LEGAL NOW."
ENJOY.
OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENCY WASN'T THE ONLY THING PEOPLE VOTED ON A
COUPLE WEEKS BACK.
THERE WERE ALSO A LOT OF STATE BALLOT INTIATIVES.
FUN FACT: A FEW OF THEM WEREN'T ABOUT LEGALIZING POT.
THERE'S A WEIRD ONE IN COLORADO.
THE STATE'S CONSTITUTION HAS SOME OLD LANGUAGE IN IT THAT
STILL ALLOWED SLAVERY AS A PUNISHMENT FOR CRIMES.
THE BALLOT INITIATIVE WOULD ABOLISH THAT KIND OF SLAVERY,
AND ON NOVEMBER 8, IT LOST.
SEE?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE DEPRESSED ABOUT THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
YOU CAN BE DEPRESSED ABOUT THIS INSTEAD.
HERE'S THE DEAL.
THERE WAS NO ORGANIZED EFFORT IN COLORADO TO KEEP SLAVERY.
SO WHY IS IT STILL IN THERE?
SOME PEOPLE ARE SAYING IT'S BECAUSE THE QUESTION ON THE
BALLOT WAS CONFUSING.
IT SAID, "SHALL THERE BE AN AMENDMENT TO THE COLORADO
CONSTITUTION CONCERNING THE REMOVAL OF THE EXCEPTION TO THE
PROHIBITION OF SLAVERY AND INVOLUNTARY SERVITUDE WHEN USED
AS A PUNISHMENT FOR PERSONS DULY CONVICTED OF A CRIME?"
UHHH...
MY FINAL ANSWER...
WHAT IS LINCOLN, NEBRASKA?
( BUZZER ) WHO IS LOUIE PASTIEWR?
( BUZZER ) DAMMIT!
WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE SO COMPLICATED?
JUST WRITE, "SHOULD WE HAVE SLAVERY?"
A) YES.
B) NO.
C) NOW, LOOK, I'M NOT RACIST, BUT..."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: HEY, HEY!
I LIKE THAT ONE!
>> Stephen: YOU LIKE THAT ONE?
YOU LIKE THAT ONE?
YOU SHOULDN'T LIKE THAT ONE.
YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T LIKE THAT ONE.
I'M HERE TO TELL YOU.
OF COURSE, SOME OF US ARE HAPPY WITH THE OUTCOME OF THE
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, WHILE OTHERS ARE SURVIVING ON CUPCAKES
AND BOURBON.
AND AFTER ALL THIS TENSION, IT'D BE GREAT TO TAKE A BREAK FROM
TALKING POLITICS, EXCEPT THAT TOMORROW IS THANKSGIVING, THAT
TIME OF YEAR WHEN FAMILIES COME TOGETHER TO BE THANKFUL OUR
ELECTIONS HAPPEN ONLY ONCE EVERY FOUR YEARS.
I LOVE THANKSGIVING, 75% OF THE TIME, BUT THIS IS THE 25% THAT
IS GOING TO SUCK.
BUT CAN WE GET THROUGH THIS?
I BELIEVE WE CAN.
AS LONG AS WE REMEMBER THAT BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER, AND
THAT BLOOD DOESN'T COME OUT OF THE LINEN TABLECLOTH.
PUT THE KNIFE DOWN.
SO THIS YEAR, YOU HAVE A FAMILY DUTY TO TREAT YOUR POLITICAL
OPINION JUST LIKE GRANDMA'S JELLO MOLD-- CHOKE IT DOWN, AND
KEEP IT DOWN UNTIL THE GUESTS LEAVE.
( APPLAUSE ) GOOD OLD GRANDMA.
GOOD OLD GRANDMA.
AND I'M GOING TO HELP YOU TONIGHT.
THIS IS "THE LATE SHOW'S POST-ELECTION
THANKSGIVING SURVIVAL TIPS," BROUGHT TO YOU, AS ALWAYS, BY
CRANBERRY SAUCE OUT OF THE CAN.
CRANBERRY SAUCE THE JIGGLING MEANS
WE MADE IT WITH HOOF ♪ THESE ARE A FEW GUARANTEED WAYS
WE MADE IT OUT OF HOOF.
TIP NUMBER ONE: THE TRYPTOFAN IN TURKEY HAS A NATURALLY
CALMING EFFECT, SO REMEMBER TO EAT A LOT OF IT WHILE DRIVING TO
DINNER.
TIP 2: CHANGE UP RECIPES.
THIS YEAR INSTEAD OF GROUND NUTMEG ON THE PUMPKIN PIE, HOW
ABOUT A LITTLE SHAVED XANAX?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
TIP 3: JUST BECAUSE DINNER'S NOT READY YET DOESN'T MEAN YOU
SHOULDN'T BE EATING.
REMEMBER, AN IDLE JAW IS THE DEVIL'S PLAYPEN.
( LAUGHTER ) TIP 4: COOK A SECOND TURKEY.
NOT TO CARVE.
FOR EVERYONE TO STAB.
( LAUGHTER ) TIP 5: THE TRADITIONAL TOUCH
FOOTBALL GAME IS A GREAT WAY TO GET OUT AGGRESSION WITHOUT
RUINING DINNER.
SO THIS YEAR, MAKE IT TACKLE TO THE DEATH.
TIP 6: CREATE NEW THINGS TO TALK ABOUT BY CHANGING UP
TRADITION.
FOR INSTANCE, THIS YEAR, DEEP FRY THE TURKEY.
YOU CAN'T TALK ABOUT POLITICS WHEN YOU'RE BUSY BATTLING THE
GARAGE FIRE.
( LAUGHTER ) TIP 7: DEFINITELY PREPARE A
VEGAN OPTION FOR YOUR NIECE HOME FROM COLLEGE.
THAT WAY, EVERYONE CAN GANG UP ON HER.
( LAUGHTER ) TIP 8: REMEMBER, THESE ARE YOUR
RELATIVES, SO TRY NOT TO SEE THEM AS POLITICAL OPPONENTS BUT
RATHER AS POTENTIAL KIDNEY DONORS.
STAY ON THEIR GOOD SIDE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
DO ALL THESE THINGS-- YOU NEVER KNOW.
DO ALL THESE THINGS, AND I GUARANTEE A WONDERFUL
THANKSGIVING.
AND THAT'S IMPORTANT BECAUSE YOU CAN PICK YOUR FRIENDS BUT YOU
CAN'T PICK YOUR RELATIVES-- OR, EVIDENTLY, PICK YOUR PRESIDENT,
THANKS TO THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
DANNY DEVITO IS HERE.
BUT FIRST, WHEN WE RETURN, I'M GOING TO HELP SOME MORE
AMERICANS COOK THEIR THANKSGIVING TURKEY.
STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY!