- One thing that might be particularly helpful
is just a simple observation
that you may not realize about yourself.
And that is, that what you're attracted to
is more influenced by the culture around you
than you might realize.
So, when you find that one particular person
more attractive than this other person,
without even knowing it,
you have some sort of values,
or things that you think of as good or best,
that you're kind of reading them with.
So the question is, how did those values get in there?
How do you find that set of characteristics
more attractive than that set of characteristics?
And the answer, largely, is that it's a mystery.
It's shaped and influenced over the years
by what you found good, and valuable, and attractive,
and secure in your home and your upbringing.
It's shaped by what you take in on television,
or on the internet, the media that you consume.
You have a world full of people giving testimony
to what's most beautiful and most attractive.
And, that has more of an influence on you than you realize.
So, you might have heard the phrasing,
'We live in a pornified culture.'
I find that to be helpful phrasing just because
it recognizes that there is this effect
that pornography has on larger culture.
Even if someone isn't using porn,
there's this cultural value system where the elements
of what make pornography so powerful and attractive
weave their way into the way we tell our stories
about romance, weave their ways into fashion.
It's an entire framework of understanding
what's beautiful and good.
And basically, it packages beauty in this convenient,
flashy package that supposedly costs me nothing
and requires nothing of me to appreciate.
Beauty becomes a way of serving myself.
It's just instant gratification,
it's 'Yeah, I find that visually appealing,
'and so I just reach out and I take
'in a way that's meant to fill me,
'that's meant to serve me.'
It's having a really dangerous effect, I think,
on the way Christians think about finding a spouse to marry,
finding a mate to love and to cherish and to value.
Because true beauty,
it takes more effort, it costs more of us
to truly appreciate because it's this acknowledgement
that I have to conform what I perceive as good
and attractive to what God actually says
is most good and most attractive.
And that's, in other words, believing His testimony
above the testimony of everyone else.
So for instance, if you watch the average romantic comedy,
ladies just need to be aware of the pornified expectations
that might shape their initial assessment of people.
Instead of, sort of, a certain body shape, so much,
as it might be with men, maybe it's a certain personality
or a certain style of romantic consideration.
What's missing from your average romantic comedy
is a value that says, 'Actually, when I read the Bible,
'and I read, for instance, the Book of Proverbs
'about what a man in his prime ought to be,
'a man who fears the Lord, a man who works hard,
'a man who does what is right,
'a man who doesn't take a bribe,'
a man who just has all the things
that conform to God's values
displayed there.
And then Proverbs 31 gives the female version of that,
of a woman who fears the Lord.
But if you actually read Proverbs 31 for the values
that it lifts up as most attractive,
here's at least one surprising thing.
A woman who fears the Lord is displayed primarily
in her industriousness, in her work, in her labor,
in her strength, actually.
In her valiance.
Two thirds of the verses that are talking
about this Proverbs 31 woman are dedicated
to the fact that she is smart, and works hard,
and is productive in those ways.
If you look at that value system,
and then you look at what's valued
in terms of the priority structures
of what we find attractive in our pornified culture,
that does not line up.
And so the question is, how do I move from here to here?
And it's through reading the Scripture enough
to where the heart of God, the values of God
come to map and have authority over mine.
And that happens in the context of a culture
where there are people valuing in the folks you know
what God values, and drawing your attention to those things.
In the context of that input into your life,
do you actually start to make wiser choices
when it comes to who I ought to pursue,
or who I ought to allow to pursue me?
And I have just been able to witness, in my ministry,
so many conversations where older Christians
who have just a really good established relationship
with a single Christian are excellent resources
for someone saying 'Hey, this person's pursuing me,'
or 'I'm thinking about pursuing this person.'
'What do you see in their lives?'
And sometimes it's, 'Man, I see that that girl,
'she serves well, she's always engaged,
'I've seen her sort of suffer well
'through different seasons of her life.
'I think that's a worthwhile person to pursue,
'you should do that.'
And then other times they say of that person,
or help you assess, 'You know, if you actually think
'about the way she lives her life,
'she might have this attraction for you,
'or this thing going for her, and we acknowledge that,
'but the overall pattern of her life
'doesn't seem like a strong pursuit of the Lord.
'We would caution you against that.'
What I've just suggested is actually really counter-cultural
because, especially on issues of attraction,
we tend to think so individualistically.
But the great irony of thinking it's my choice,
it's my attraction, it's my thing,
is we're totally missing the fact that actually no,
you've already been influenced by a community.
It's just, which community have you been influenced by?
So I want to be careful here,
because I'm not saying it's wrong to have preferences,
or to find certain personalities easier to get along with
than others, or to even find certain appearances
more attractive visually than others,
that's not wrong at all.
It becomes wrong when that becomes the control value
under which the values of God are arranged,
rather than the values of God being the control value
under which all these other values are arranged.
So this answer is very counter-cultural,
but I hope it's been helpful to just make us aware
of what our hearts are doing
when we find one person attractive, and another person not,
and then submitting that whole thing to Scripture,
and to the church, and to a better community
than the communities that just, we naturally orbit in.
[Narrator] Thanks for watching Honest Answers.
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