I just want what every woman wants I
just want what every woman wants a 90
year old billionaire with an incurable
disease a 90 year old billionaire with
an incurable disease just say joke just
repeat we say and you can pause them and
I'll say everything and we'll try to not
talk while you're talking I've never
thought about getting into comedy I've
been in front of people before but I've
never needed to be funny you've been in
scarier situation yeah can you hear me
hear me I got you and I've been a
sponsor I couldn't hear because all the
bombs were going off well I'm not really
nervous right now it all depends on how
many people shoot at me so I think we
should be good
give it up for Robert O'Neill hey guys
hey guys how's it going so this is the
belly room so this is the belly room
I've seen more welcoming caves in
Pakistan I have seen more welcoming
caves in Pakistan I did shoot bin Laden
because I was ordered to now I did shoot
bin Laden because I was ordered to
I shot him a second time because I'm
sick of take off my shoes at the airport
I shot him a second time because I'm so
tired of taking my shoes off at an
airport
for my military service I've gotten two
silver stars okay in my military service
though I've gotten two silver stars for
Bronze Stars for Bronze Star with valor
and a ton of [ __ ] and a ton of [ __ ]
times a change though
times have changed though back then I
got bin Laden back then I got bin Laden
today I'd probably be breaking out ASAP
Rocky today I'd probably be breaking out
ASAP Rocky go go
I killed bin Laden like I said I killed
bin Laden I guess you could say on that
Beyonce of SEAL Team six I guess you
could sort of say on the Beyonce of SEAL
Team six I was in SEAL team 6 not like
those [ __ ] in one through five not
like those [ __ ] at one through five
[Laughter]
my favorite thing about killing Osama
bin Laden my favorite thing about
killing Osama bin Laden is that it
finally ended all the war in the Middle
East so is that it finally ended all the
war in the Middle East my favorite thing
about killing us on Blondo is this
finally ended all the wars in the Middle
East
everyone remembers their big break
everybody remembers their big break
mine was 911 mine was 911 any ladies
want to join squeal Team six
hey any ladies out there want to join
squeal Team six I promise not to shoot
you in the face I promise not to shoot
you in the face but seriously I'm
getting the light I need to get out of
here
[Applause]
second time you killed
[Applause]
so is your earpiece working Whitney and
I will feed you through this show can
you hear me where my tens at when I come
watch people here I'm like find it
frightening you're gonna do great as
long as you had a bad childhood I think
this stuff can I get out there and point
up freak out alright get out there let's
do it okay
please you guys give it up and keep it
going for Charlotte McKinney
[Applause]
say hey guys hey how's it going I know I
look like a news anchor with a tapeworm
I know it look like a news anchor with a
tapeworm
but I was in Joe Dirt 2 I don't know if
you guys know this but I was in Joe Dirt
2 in case you're wondering what you
don't recognize me from so you're
probably wondering what you don't
recognize me from I dropped out of
school so I dropped out of school a lot
of people know that but then I went back
to get my DUI but then I went back and I
got my DUI for some reason they still
want me to come to the reunion
for some reason they still want me to
come to the reunion did anyone see the
movie Baywatch did anybody see the movie
Baywatch I was the second hottest girl
after Zac Efron I was the second hottest
girl after Zac Efron I'm currently
lifting weights
I'm currently lifting weights with my
bra with my bra is it hot in here or am
I just super hot is it hot in here or am
I just super hot and stupid
I just want what every woman wants I
just want what every woman wants a 90
year old billionaire with an incurable
disease a 90 year old billionaire with
an incurable disease you talk after I
just flew in from Cancun and boy are my
arms tired
I just flew in from Cancun boy are my
arms tired
from jerking off a billionaire on the
jet from jerking off the billionaire on
a jet look at the guy in the front row
and ask him how old he is how old are
you 95 95 you're way too young for me
I'm sorry hey guys the jokes are up here
motion to your face hey guys the jokes
are up here I'm gonna wrap this up most
of the guys have judged already I'm
gonna wrap this up cuz most of the guys
have just already Anna thanks for coming
and good night that was extremely
painful
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
I'm sure fully this is where I'm gonna
feed you so can you hear that right
there I can do that well okay good
well it'll be all right watch out there
it is I just repeat it and there's
nothing new yeah sounds like fun
he's cute that helps yes very alright
see you buddy this is my type
that's enough way I know I know I'm
sorry times up give it up guys looks
here for Chuck Liddell hey what's up
everybody what's up everybody it's me
white pit bull it's me white people know
my name is Chuck Liddell now my name is
Chuck Liddell if you don't know who I am
heckle me and you'll find out you don't
know my name I don't know who I am
heckle man you'll find out I hope this
stand-up comedy goes better than my
jeopardy tryout I hope my stand-up
comedy goes better my jeopardy tryout
boy stand-up comedy is tough boy stand
up for yourself you have to be able to
complete a sentence just to be able to
complete a sentence hey real quick has
anyone seen my neck hey real quick has
anyone seen my neck RMF wresting
murderer face resting murderer face I'm
like an intelligent Rob Gronkowski it's
like I'm like an intelligent Rob
Gronkowski I don't understand my own
jokes I hope you do I don't understand
my own jokes but I hope you do my wife
is tough she's like a female Ronda
Rousey my wife is tough
she's like a female Ronda Rousey I gotta
go I gotta go I have protein powder I'm
a protein powder and it's not gonna
snort itself it's not going to snort
itself
thank you
[Applause]
you said what everyone was thinking so
it was like her that's good it was well
done good job we're gonna do you through
this walkie-talkie you're gonna hear
hear and it might take a second cuz
we're gonna say it then you'll say it so
let's try it out and good luck give it
up let's hear for Heather Dubrow Hey
couldn't already tell by my skin color
and gender my name is Heather hey if you
can't already tell by my skin color and
gender my name is Heather I know I look
like a woman who use bribery to get my
kids into college I know I look like a
woman who used bribery to get my kids
into college do you remember my season
of The Real Housewives do you know how I
got into the Real Housewives I'm asking
cuz I was drunk at that time no I'm
asking cuz I was drunk the whole time
did you watch em if you don't know what
the Real Housewives is it's like
football for women if you don't know
what the Real Housewives is it's like
football for women but with more brain
damage but with more brain damage
everyone wants to know the secret to
staying young everyone wants to know the
secret to staying young marry a plastic
surgeon marry a plastic surgeon I wanted
to get the employee discount I married
one to get the employee discounts
plastic surgeon a woman from Orange
County marrying a plastic surgeon is
like a butthole marrying toilet paper is
like a butthole marrying toilet paper
like a perfect match my face has so much
plastic I'm not allowed in the ocean my
face has so much plastic
I've actually been banned from the ocean
some people believe on 50 some people
don't believe I'm 50 some people you
know they don't believe that I'm 50
years old because I tell them I'm 35
because I tell them I'm 35 I have two
podcasts I have two podcasts and that's
the only thing I have in common with any
of you people and that's the only thing
I have in common with any of you people
all right thanks you guys goodnight
thank you guys so much
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
where we play next really well for me
we keep deepening
[Music]
[Applause]
you