It feels the worst when it starts out strong.
That first month, he was so into you.
Texting dozens of times a day.
Planning the next date while you’re still on a date.
Telling you effusively how beautiful you are, how much he likes you and how excited he is.
Talking about the future.
And then something happens.
You don’t know what it is but everything feels different.
Suddenly, his constant efforts start to wane and you’re left feeling off-balance.
On this Love U Podcast, I’m going to tell you EXACTLY what to do when that happens again.
Stick around
I’m Evan Marc Katz, dating coach for smart, strong, successful women and your personal
trainer for love.
Welcome to the Love U Podcast.
Keep listening to learn what to do when he doesn’t put in an effort.
When we’re done, I’ll let you know how you can apply to Love U to create a passionate
relationship that makes you feel safe, heard, and understood.
Before I give you a tangible solution to what to do when a guy fails to make an effort,
let’s establish a few things:
It really hurts when this happens.
Men coming on strong FEELS like a promise of some sort of future, so when that effort
goes away, it feels like something is being taken from you.
Something you never actually had.
All that’s being taken from you is the fantasy that he was going to be your husband.
A guy isn’t a bad guy because he doesn’t make an effort.
It doesn’t mean he’s a liar or a player or a dick.
It may just mean he’s not that interested or motivated.
That’s different than a character assasination on the guy.
Virtually all relationships start off with a colossal effort.
That’s how they get off the ground.
Men don’t get girlfriends by texting once every two weeks.
Given that, it’s semi-predictable that you will see some guys come on by love bombing
you to win you over at the beginning and ultimately conclude that you’re not compatible.
Women equally have the right to be very excited about a guy and determine over the subsequent
weeks and months that a guy isn’t compatible as well.
If you’ve ever not responded to a guy’s text for a few days (or at all), you engage
in this very same behavior that we’re talking about today.
Now, the first thing you need to know about how to position yourself is the central metaphor
of my Love U coaching course and what I want you to know is that you are the CEO of your
love life.
I want you to start to embrace even if we’re not working together.
What it means to be the CEO is that YOU get to determine what happens in a relationship,
instead of giving HIM the power to make that determination.
So if a CEO brought on an intern because he seemed to really want the job, interviewed
well, and swore he wanted to build a career here, that seems like a good hire.
But what if that eager intern decided - for whatever reason - that he wasn’t as excited
about the job as he thought he’d be.
That’s fair.
That happens.
And instead of telling you that, because, like most people, he’s non confrontational,
his way of illustrating that he’s not that excited about the job any more is he started
working a lot less.
Suddenly, your intern who was coming in at 7:30 in the morning and staying until 7:30
at night only comes into the office once a week, and even when he’s working from home,
you don’t really know how much he’s working.
We are really beating this metaphor to death.
When you’re the CEO, it’s pretty obvious what to do in that situation.
So if you were in Love U with me, we’d operate as if you were the CEO and any guy was just
the intern.
So what would a CEO do?
You’d know that as the boss of the company, any decision you make is the right one.
The buck stops with you.
You have total control because it’s your company.
After being the boss of this company for a couple of years, you should have a baseline
of what behavior to expect from typical interns.
And if you are the CEO, you shouldn’t be terribly afraid of communicating your needs
directly because you’re running a company and if this intern can’t get it done, you’ll
have to find another intern.
And you’d know that interns are not that hard to come by.
Maybe it might not be easy to make a long-term hire.
If you let go of this one, you may have to interview for a month to find a better one
who wants the job but it’s better to leave the position open than to have an intern working,
holding open a desk for a guy that doesn’t show up to work.
You see why I love this metaphor?
Whether you’re dating a guy for a few weeks or dating a guy for a few years, you’re
ALWAYS the CEO and if you are not satisfied with his job performance, it doesn’t matter
what his resume looks like, how well he did at the very beginning, what potential he holds,
what he says, or how good things COULD be.
We don’t pay attention to how things could be.
All we know is how things are right NOW.
With a man whose effort is lagging, the answer isn’t to pick up the slack for him and do
his job for him.
It’s to communicate to him, gently and supportively, that you’ve noticed he’s not making the
same effort.
Give him a chance to explain himself.
Maybe it's circumstance.
Maybe he’s slammed at work or not feeling like himself.
But chances are, you’ve just called attention to what he hoped you wouldn’t notice - that
he’s dropping the ball as a potential boyfriend.
Which gives him essentially two choices: step up or step out.
If he steps up, it’s because you had the confidence to set healthy boundaries and positively
encourage him to live up to his expectations.
If he steps out, and says he can’t do this anymore then, great!
You didn’t lose a great boyfriend - you lost a lazy intern who cared so little about
his job performance that he started to mail it in.
Good riddance to that guy.
A man doesn’t have to smother you to be a good boyfriend, and yes, it’s normal for
men’s effort to wane a little bit after you’re a couple.
No guy is going to give you flowers every week.
So, yes there is going to be some decline in effort with people.
But if you’re feeling anxious, uneasy or unwanted, all you have to do is put on that
CEO hat and demonstrate to him that his job is on the line if he doesn’t step up.
Most men aren’t up to the task, but that’s okay.
If you raise the bar up here, you are only going to get guys up here with you.
“I’m Evan Marc Katz.
Thank you for tuning in to the Love U Podcast.
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And if you want to find love right now and are committed to making healthier choices
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look for the link below and apply for coaching with me in Love U.