WELCOME.
WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND FOLKS -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
-- IN LIGHT OF THE DARKNESS THAT IS THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY, I'D
LIKE TO START TONIGHT WITH SOMETHING NICE.
LAST NIGHT, GYMNASTICS WORLD CHAMPION SIMONE BILES THREW OUT
THE FIRST PITCH AT GAME TWO OF THE WORLD SERIES, BUT FIRST, SHE
DID SOMETHING REALLY COOL: THERE SHE IS, AND WHOA!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) KEEP IN MIND, SHE DID THAT
BEFORE THE GAME STARTED.
CAN YOU IMAGINE WATCHING THAT AND THEN WATCHING BASEBALL?
( LAUGHTER ) IT WOULD BE LIKE AN EMCEE
SAYING, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WE SURE HOPE YOU ENJOYED LIZZO.
NOW PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE: BASEBALL!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERING ) NOW, BACK TO THE DARKNESS,
ALREADY IN PROGRESS.
( LAUGHTER ) LATE TODAY, WE LEARNED THAT
"TRUMP WILL BE ATTENDING THE WORLD SERIES ON SUNDAY."
OF COURSE, KEEP IN MIND, WE DON'T KNOW FOR SURE IF IT WILL
LAST THAT LONG -- TRUMP'S PRESIDENCY, I MEAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
DURING AN OVAL OFFICE CEREMONY, REPORTERS SAY, HE WAS ASKED IF
HE'D THROW OUT THE FIRST PITCH.
IT'S PROBABLY NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
FIRST OF ALL, I'M NOT SURE HE COULD LAND THE BACK FLIP.
AND SECOND, WE KNOW HE'S NOT VERY GOOD AT DOING THINGS
ONE-HANDED.
( LAUGHTER ) "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!" (AS TRUMP)
"OKAY, EVERYBODY.
GET READY FOR A LITTLE CHIN MUSIC.
HERE WE GO."
PICK IT UP.
IT MADE IT.
THAT'S 60 FEET.
YESTERDAY, THE PRESIDENT GAVE A SPEECH AT AN ENERGY CONVENTION
IN PENNSYLVANIA AND FOCUSED ON THE TECHNOLOGY OF THE FUTURE:
"WALL."
>> WE'RE BUILDING A WALL ON THE BORDER OF NEW MEXICO AND WE'RE
BUILDING A WALL IN COLORADO.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT, A BORDER WALL IN COLORADO.
( LAUGHTER ) ONCE THEY'RE DONE WITH THAT,
THEY'RE BUILDING A NAVAL BASE IN IDAHO.
( LAUGHTER ) A LOT OF PEOPLE, INCLUDING ME,
MOCKED THE PRESIDENT FOR THIS, SO LATE LAST NIGHT, HE TWEETED:
"--KIDDINGLY-- WE'RE BUILDING A WALL IN COLORADO," THEN STATED,
"WE'RE NOT BUILDING A WALL IN KANSAS BUT THEY GET THE BENEFIT
OF THE WALL WE'RE BUILDING ON THE BORDER"-- REFERRED TO PEOPLE
IN THE VERY PACKED AUDITORIUM, FROM COLORADO AND KANSAS,
GETTING THE BENEFIT OF THE BORDER WALL!"
YEAH, OBVIOUSLY, HE WAS KIDDINGLY!
( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU LOOK AT THE TAPE, IT'S
CLEAR HE WAS DOING A JOKLE!
>> WE'RE BUILDING A WALL ON THE BORDER OF NEW MEXICO, AND
WE'RE BUILDING A WALL IN COLORADO.
WE'RE BUILDING A BEAUTIFUL WALL.
THAT REALLY WORKS.
>> STEPHEN: YEP, THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW HE'S KIDDING, BECAUSE HE
SAID, "IT REALLY WORKS."
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW THE OLD JOKE: TWO
PEANUTS WERE WALKING DOWN THE STREET AND ONE WAS ASSAULTED.
REALLY.
BRUTALLY ASSAULTED.
HE WAS ALMOST A-MURDERED.
( LAUGHTER ) AS A FELLOW COMEDIAN, I GET IT.
BEFORE YOU TELL A JOKE, YOU ALWAYS KICK IT OFF BY SAYING
"KIDDINGLY."
( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, JUST
CHECK OUT MY PROMPTER.
THERE YOU GO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
TRUMP WISHES -- HE'S FUN.
TRUMP WISHES THE DEMOCRATS WERE KIDDINGLY ABOUT IMPEACHMENT.
IT'S NOT EASY FOR REPUBLICANS TO DEFEND TRUMP.
WE HAVE THE TRANSCRIPT OF THE PHONE CALL WHERE HE PRESSURES
UKRAINE TO INVESTIGATE BIDEN.
THEN TRUMP ADMITTED IT ON CAMERA.
THEN MULVANEY ADD PLIGHTED TO QUID PRO QUO ON CAMERA.
SO, LEFT WITH NOTHING ELSE, YESTERDAY HOUSE REPUBLICANS
STORMED THE IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS.
THAT IS A LARGE HERD OF WHITE MEN.
BY THE WAY, A HERD OF WHITE MEN IS CALLED "A J. CREW."
( LAUGHTER ) A "J. CREW" OF WHITE MEN.
( APPLAUSE ) THE MOB WAS LED BY FLORIDA
REPRESENTATIVE MATT GAETZ, SEEN HERE ON "BRING YOUR CHIN TO WORK
DAY."
( LAUGHTER ) THIS WAS A DESPERATE, CYNICAL
PLOY TO DISCREDIT THE BASIC PRINCIPLES OF OUR CONSTITUTION.
BUT GAETZ SEES HIMSELF AS A HERO.
>> WE WERE LIKE, YOU KNOW, "THE 300" STANDING IN THE BREACH TO
TRY TO STOP THE RADICAL LEFT FROM STORMING OVER OUR
DEMOCRACY.
>> Stephen: OKAY, ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ONE POINT OF VIEW.
FOR A REBUTTAL TO MATT GAETZ'S ANALOGY, WE GO
NOW TO KING LEONIDES: >> THIS IS STUPID!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: GAETZ PLAYED TO THE
CAMERA WHEN HE WAS ASKED ABOUT HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH THE
PRESIDENT.
>> I LOVE THE PRESIDENT SO MUCH, I MIGHT NEVER LOVE ANOTHER
PRESIDENT AGAIN.
>> STEPHEN: WOW, THAT'S QUITE A LOVE STORY.
THEY'RE LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET, EXCEPT EVERYONE ELSE WANTS TO
KILL THEMSELVES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
APPARENTLY, THE PRESIDENT KNEW ABOUT THE STUNT AHEAD OF TIME,
AND TODAY HE TWEETED: "THANK YOU TO HOUSE REPUBLICANS FOR BEING
TOUGH, SMART, AND UNDERSTANDING IN DETAIL THE GREATEST WITCH
HUNT IN AMERICAN HISTORY.
IT HAS BEEN GOING ON SINCE LONG BEFORE I EVEN GOT ELECTED-- THE
INSURANCE POLICY!
A TOTAL SCAM!" (AS TRUMP)
"THANK YOU, GUYS.
YOU'RE LIKE THE SONS I WISH I HAD INSTEAD OF THE ONES I DO."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE G.O.P. IS SAYING, "WE NEED TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON IN
THERE," BUT HERE'S THE THING, THE 47 REPUBLICANS ON THE
COMMITTEES LEADING THE INVESTIGATION HAVE ACCESS TO THE
CLOSED-DOOR DEPOSITIONS."
AND REPUBLICAN LAWYERS ARE GIVEN THE SAME AMOUNT OF TIME TO
QUESTION WITNESSES AS DEMOCRATIC COUNSELS.
IN FACT: OF THE REPUBLICANS WHO R.S.V.P.'D FOR THE ROOM
STORMING, "12 OF THEM ARE ALLOWED TO SIT IN ON ALL
DEPOSITIONS."
GOOD PROTEST, GUYS.
"WHAT DO WE WANT?" "WHAT WE HAVE!"
"WHEN DO WE WANT IT?" "ALREADY GOT IT!"
"WHY ARE WE HERE?" "I DON'T KNOW.
I HEARD THERE WAS PIZZA!" ( APPLAUSE )
I HEARD THERE WAS PIZZA!" THIS IS NOT SOME DEMOCRATIC STAR
CHAMBER, AS JUDGE ANDREW NAPOLITANO ATTEMPTED TO
EXPLAIN TO HIS FOX AND FRIENDS: >> AS FRUSTRATING AS IT MAY BE
TO HAVE THESE HEARINGS GOING ON BEHIND CLOSED DOORS, THE
HEARINGS OVER WHICH CONGRESSMAN SCHIFF IS PRESIDING, THEY ARE
CONSISTENT WITH THE RULES.
>> THEY CAN MAKE UP ANY RULES THEY WANT?
>> THEY CAN'T CHANGE THEM.
THEY NARROWLY THEM.
IN JANUARY OF 2015.
AND WHO SIGNED THEM?
JOHN BOEHNER.
AND WHO ENACTED THEM?
A REPUBLICAN MAJORITY.
>> STEPHEN: WHAT?
IF BOEHNER DID THIS, THAT MEANS THE DEEP STATE HAS CREATED A
TIME MACHINE AND GOTTEN TO THE REPUBLICANS IN THE PAST.
QUICK, CAN WE GET A PICTURE OF JOHN BOEHNER FROM 2015?
GREAT SCOTT!
ALL OF THIS WOULD BE DAMNING TO THE G.O.P.'S COMPLAINTS, IF
FACTS MATTERED.
I MISS YOU, FACTS.
COME BACK!
I'LL FLOSS!
SO WHY DID THE REPUBLICANS PULL THIS STUNT?
WELL, ONE FORMER PROSECUTOR EXPLAINS
"IT IS OFTEN SAID OF TRIAL LAWYERS THAT WHEN THE LAW IS NOT
ON THEIR SIDE, THEY POUND ON THE FACTS.
WHEN THE FACTS ARE NOT ON THEIR SIDE, THEY POUND ON THE LAW.
WHEN NEITHER THE LAW NOR THE FACTS ARE ON THEIR SIDE, THEY
POUND ON THE TABLE."
OH, TRUMP'S WAY AHEAD OF YOU.
HE'S NOT POUNDING ON THE TABLE.
HE'S QUARTER-POUNDING ON THE TABLE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT EVEN THE REPUBLICAN SHAM ARGUMENT THAT THE WHOLE THING'S
A SHAM MIGHT BE ABOUT TO CRUMBLE BECAUSE HOUSE DEMOCRATS PLAN TO
MAKE THE IMPEACHMENT PROBE PUBLIC AS SOON AS MID NOVEMBER.
JUST IN TIME TO RUIN THANKSGIVING.
"CAN YOU PASS THE TURKEY?" "TRUMP WAS RIGHT ABOUT TURKEY!
AND UKRAINE!
WITCH HUNT!
YOU WANT GRAVY WITH YOUR HONEYBAKED SCAM?"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
SHE SEEMS MAD.
SHE SEEMS REALLY MAD.
I THINK I KNOW WHICH TURKEY TRUMP IS GOING TO PARDON THIS
YEAR.
(AS TRUMP) ( LAUGHTER )
THE WALLS ARE CLOSING IN ON THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION, AND THAT
INCLUDES ON TRUMP ATTORNEY AND MAN ASKING IF YOU'RE GOING
TO FINISH THAT BABY, RUDY GIULIANI.
>> Jon: OH, MY, CANNIBALISM.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: GIULIANI IS BEING
INVESTIGATED FOR SOME SHADY BUSINESS DEALINGS
IN UKRAINE, AND AS A RESULT, WE'VE JUST LEARNED THAT GIULIANI
IS LOOKING FOR A DEFENSE ATTORNEY.
( LAUGHTER ) RUDY, IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A
GOOD ONE, DON'T LOOK IN A MIRROR.
( LAUGHTER ) GOOD NEWS FOR EVERYBODY OUT
THERE WHO'S SO HIGH THEY CAN'T REMEMBER THE BEGINNING OF THIS
SENTENCE.
BECAUSE, EARLIER TODAY, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE BERNIE
SANDERS UNVEILED HIS PLAN TO LEGALIZE MARIJUANA!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S RIGHT.
"BERNIE" AND "MARIJUANA," TWO OF THE EASIEST CHEER-LINES IN SHOW
BUSINESS.
( LAUGHTER ) IN HONOR OF HIS NEW POLICY,
BERNIE ALSO UNVEILED HIS NEW SLOGAN: "FEEL THE BURN, AND HOLD
IT IN UNTIL YOU START COUGHING."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
FITTINGLY, BERNIE'S PROPOSAL DROPPED AT PRECISELY 4:20PM.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH!
YEAH!
AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS AT 4:20... BERNIE'S DINNER TIME!
( LAUGHTER ) MM-HMM, EARLY BIRD SPECIAL,
BABY.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE BERNIE HIGH.
(AS BERNIE) "I'M 100% BAKED ON THE
STICKY-ICKY CHRONIC, AND I PROMISE TO EAT 99% OF THOSE
LITTLE DEBBIE SWISS ROLLS.
TOGETHER, WE WILL TRIP BALLS!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
STEVE CARELL IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, MEANWHILE!
STICK AROUND.