(upbeat music)
- Today's question is what is the best thing to find
in a treasure chest?
Today I have Ally Beardsley
- What's good?
- Very cool!
I have Stephanie Allynne.
- Hey what's alright?
- Nice, and Siobhan Thompson.
- You okay?
I'm worried about you, dog.
- Wow!
Siobhan would you like to start?
- I would love to.
My first idea for the most exciting thing to find
in a treasure chest would be
the most salacious piece of gossip.
Specifically about somebody that you do not like
with evidence to back it up.
- Hell yeah.
- It's like oh I've always suspected this thing
about this person that I for some reason do not like,
but don't have a reason to not like.
And now I know it and I can use it against them.
(group laughing)
- Hell yeah. - Oh a social weapon.
- I feel like you are, you like gossip.
- I do.
- Outside of this, this in general just knowing Siobhan
I think you like gossip.
- I do, I think it's fun.
I mean look, I feel bad because I don't like it
when people are gossiping about me.
- Oh yeah. - I hate it!
- I hate it, but I really enjoy hearing it about others.
- Well I like that your definition of gossip is revenge.
- Yes. (group laughing)
- That it's not just like fun and interesting.
It's like let's get him. - It's not like
a who's fucking who
it's like a oh no this person
who annoys the shit out of me
is genuinely bad person and now I can prove it.
- Yeah. - Like documents, videos.
- Right, yeah.
- Oh, a little voicemail.
- Deleted tweets.
- Oh, there are, you know, there should be
deleted tweets all put onto one website.
'Cause you know twitter has all of 'em.
- Oh yeah, they just hang onto them just in case.
- Oh yeah, and like your inbox, direct messages.
- Oh. - Oh my god.
Just the drafts folder of all the emails
that you almost sent to your ex and were like
I need to wait until the morning,
and then you look at them and you're like.
- Good thing I didn't send that.
- Wow!
- That's what's crazy, is soon we're gonna be having
presidents who have had Snapchat and Instagram and Facebook,
and those companies will own copies
of all of their, everything. - So many unwanted penises.
- Yeah!
- Yeah, a lot of penises.
- It'd be so crazy to have a president who uses Twitter.
- Stephanie, would you like to go ahead?
- Okay.
For what I think is the best thing to find
in a treasure chest, is the best masseur.
- [All] Oo!
- And this would be, this could also be female.
Which I guess is a masseuse.
Is that right? - Oh, I do not know.
- I guess they are gendered,
I never thought about that.
- It's like waitress/waiter.
- But I think this person shouldn't be able to talk.
- Yes!
- They have to be mute.
And they have cartoonishly large hands.
And they're oiled and warm.
Naturally.
- I am always freaked out going and getting a message
because I feel like they judge me.
Like they're seeing every part of me
that I don't show to people.
And I'm like-- - Your back?
- Well I don't shave my armpits,
I guess maybe that's just me.
So I go and I'm just like, they think I'm crazy.
I'm just sitting there the whole time, they think I'm crazy!
- Well then this person has no brain, they can't judge you.
- Cool!
- There's no judgment, they just robotically function.
- I would love that.
I find, I've only had two massages, hated them both.
Way too intimate for me!
I don't like being touched like that.
And it really, it was the most stressed out I've ever been.
It was truly terrible.
I was nervous the entire time, so this would be great for me
because I wouldn't have to care.
This is hardly a person, not even functioning.
- A genderless asexual being with huge hands
that smells great, and can't talk.
- Do you guys, do you have to take everything
off for a massage?
'Cause there's always that moment where I'm like,
I'm either the weird prude who's like
I'm keeping some clothing on.
Or I'm just straight up naked in there.
It's a surprise for them that I'm under a sheet.
(all laughing)
And no one else does that.
There should be a sign when you walk in,
like this is normal.
- I think you get to choose, you get to choose.
- But either way I'm like, I blew it again.
- But it is weird like, the couple of times that I have been
massaged by men, there is that little bit of like--
- I have that too, but with women.
I'm just like, they're so into this.
(all laughing)
I just read into them what I would be thinking.
Like, I fuckin' love this.
If only I had shaved my armpits.
- Ally, would you like to, show us?
- I think the best think to find in a treasure chest,
I'm a big fan of music, and so a whole bunch
of Jewels albums.
- When I saw this I was thinking jewels
'cause I went through these.
Let me tell you how the show works.
Guys.
I went through these, I've seen all of 'em.
- Behind the scenes.
- Every last one of 'em, I thought you'd meant
you'd have a bunch of jewels.
Clones of Jewel.
- That would work, too.
If each one was responsible for singing
a different album.
- I feel like whenever I hear Jewel, I'm like,
oh yeah, she was living in a car in Alaska.
- Oh yeah, that's cool. - Exactly, that's the fact.
- Right, and then she, from there, got a record deal.
- Um hmm.
And she was just...
I feel like there's missing information from that to that.
- How did that lead to that?
Interesting.
- She was living in her car. - Some record executive
was just walking past her car. - And murdering people
at night.
- That's the wort place to live in a car.
- In Alaska!
- Of all the places that you could live in a car,
Alaska has to be-- - Was it really in Alaska?
- Yes.
- That's sad. - It was Alaska.
- It must be, you can't 'cause like--
- How expensive can Alaska be?
- Right?
- And why don't you start driving?
(laughing)
- Yes, drive elsewhere.
- Head south! - Go to Canada,
where they have free healthcare!
- Oh my gosh. - Why would you?
- How has this not been made into a TV show?
- Jewel can you respond to us, we're very curious
of your origin story.
- Also, where is Jewel now?
Is she maybe in a car again?
- Oh, no! - Like, money
doesn't last forever. - Where is Jewel?
- My first idea for the best thing
to find in a treasure chest
is a tiny world and you would be the god.
- (lauging) Oh my god.
- So here I am on an island,
I come across a treasure chest and I'm curious.
I think, what can be inside there?
Probably something good.
I crack it open, discover a world,
not unlike ours, but tiny.
And then the people see me and think I'm their god.
Sorry, but that'd be great.
(women laughing)
- I like the idea of that, god came after the world.
- (laughing) Yeah!
- It's not like god created the world in his image,
it's like there was this godless little world,
and then it really needed a god.
And then you show up and you just have to fill in.
- I do get it because there's certainly
so many shitty things about this world where I'm just like,
well if I were in charge, this shit would not be happening.
- I want it to be for everyone and I'd be very fair.
I'd be a very good ruler.
- How could you be that fair on such a mass level?
I really don't think you could.
- You're wrong 'cause you've never seen me
in a group project.
(all laughing) I'm very good.
Guys, I would be very good at it, just take my word for it.
- I think your OCD would be in overdrive.
- I don't have OCD.
- Oh!
- I have bad anxiety.
Total, different.
Ally!
Good Lord.
- This is what I meant.
- Anxiety ridden god.
- Yeah, if there is a god, he or she might be anxious.
- There would be so many ethical questions of like,
well this storm will kill 5000 people,
but it will also replenish the crops for 50,000.
- You can't have light without the dark.
- Yeah man. - Oo!
But why would I have to have that storm?
- Or just a tsunami killing hundreds.
- 'Cause in my view--
- Because it would replenish the crops of 50,000 people.
- But here's the thing, I could just sprinkle water on this.
I'm big, and they're little.
- It's a storm to them!
To you it's just a little sprinkle of water.
- But I would do it so carefully.
I'd use my pinkie.
And just dot water--
- This is why I think that there isn't a god.
'Cause there can't be anyone caring about things
going right or wrong.
Everything is so random. - No.
I agree, I don't think there is a god,
but I want to be a god
(all laughing) of this little tiny world.
That's it for this preview of The Rank Room.
Did you like it?
Okay, do you like me?
Oh, thank God!
Okay, can I tell you a secret?
There is a whole second half to this episode
and it's available on DROPOUT.
So to watch it go to dropout.tv
and start your free trial today.
Also I have Lupus.
So, two secrets.
What's in here?
And I start putting my little paw in.
- You're a dog in this scenario?
(laughs)
- No, I'm a human.
I put my little paws in and then all of a sudden I go.
(screams playfully)