On two platforms at the same time, so bear with us while we make sure that this is all
working correctly. Technology is definitely not my forefront, but I'm super excited to
be trying this out and trying to go live on both Facebook and YouTube at the same time
so that I can reach as many of you in my community as I possibly can. I am going to be doing
a live stream today on hoovering. This is part of my Thursday series, which is on narcissism
101, which I'm just doing for right now. And we've done all sorts of different topics already
on the narcissism 101. It's really, really important that you understand the basics of
narcissism if you're going to negotiate properly with that narcissistic personality.
And when I say narcissist, by the way, I refer to people who either are narcissists or maybe
they have narcissistic traits or maybe they just are extremely difficult to deal with.
Maybe they haven't been actually diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, that
doesn't really matter because if your experience with this person is that they're extremely
difficult and you're having a hard time negotiating with them or getting what you want from them,
then it's really important that you understand the basics of this personality type.
So I see Renee is here and Amanda is here. Hi, good to see you all. I'm so happy to be
able to have this format and that these types of technologies exist so that I can reach
each of you. So today I'm going to be talking about hoovering, and what is hoovering. So
to understand hoovering, you have to understand the basics of the relationship, the stages
of a relationship that narcissists go through. So narcissists always start off with love
bombing, and then they always end with a discard of some sort, either you're discarding or
they're discarding. But it starts off with love bombing, it ends with discarding, and
then in between there is devaluing. And if you haven't watched my videos on love bombing,
devaluing, and discarding, I highly recommend that you go and check those out. If you're
watching me on YouTube, go ahead and hit that subscribe button now, make sure I don't forget
to say that. And if you're watching me on Facebook, then make sure that you either like
my page or come on over and join us in the free private Facebook group called Narcissist
Negotiators with Rebecca Zung. We have lots and lots of people over there who are supporting
and helping each other every single day. So love bombing, devaluing, and discarding.
I see hello from Switzerland. Yay. So hoovering is actually a form of love bombing that takes
place during one of the other phases. It's usually the discard phase and during this
discard phase where the narcissist might feel that they're losing control. So remember,
love bombing is a form of controlling the victim. It's a form of getting that person
into their web of control. I always say their lair of control into their web. It's a form
of manipulation so that they can control you. And if they feel that sense of that grip loosening,
their grip of control is loosening because of the discard phase, maybe you've hired a
lawyer, maybe you've talked to other people, maybe they sense that you don't care that
much about them anymore, that's when you start to see the hoovering start in. That's when
they start to come back, they start love bombing you, they start saying things like, "Oh, come
on. We've always been so good together," or, "We can work this out," or, "You don't need
to worry about that. You know I'll always have your back." Things like that.
As a lawyer, what I see people doing a lot of times is they'll come in when the person's
hired the lawyer and say, "Oh, you don't need that lawyer. We can work this out. We've always
been so good at working things out. We've always been good at talking to each other,"
or something to that effect. But what hoovering is is they're coming back and love bombing
because they feel that their narcissistic supply source is being threatened in some
way. And they get supply from controlling you, they get supply from jerking you around,
they get supply from anything that feeds their ego.
Does this relate to brothers and sisters too? Absolutely it does. And I see Didi here from
Germany. Awesome, awesome. Hello in Germany. My mom is German, my dad is Chinese, so I
love my German people and my German roots. Awesome.
Yes, as Renee says, it can be anybody. So yeah these apply to anyone. Hoovering happens
when the narcissist senses that their control is loosening, and so they come back and they
start to love bomb again to try to get that control back again. So they go back to the
tool that they used in the beginning to get you into their lair to begin with. It might
be that they're horrible to you, but then they turn around and say, "Oh, you're so beautiful,"
or make you a smoothie or whatever, but behind your back they're stabbing you in the back
where they are smearing you or they are... So it can be very, very confusing when you're
dealing with a narcissist, because on the one hand, they seem like they're horrible
to you and they're doing all these horrible things to you, but then the things that are
coming out of their mouth are not matching how they're behaving.
But they know what to say. Narcissists are great at manipulating. They've spent thousands
and thousands of hours honing their skills of manipulation, and they're especially good
at knowing how to manipulate their targets or their victims. They've studied you, they
know what your weaknesses are. They know what you want to hear. So they'll come back and
say the things that they need to say in order to get you to come off of what it is that
you're talking about, just to get you to stop. So they'll love bomb you just enough to get
you back into that web of control. A lot of times it's like just to get you off
of whatever it is that you're thinking. Maybe you're accusing them of cheating, maybe you're
accusing... so they'll deflect so that you're not looking at that anymore and start love
bombing you in that way as well. Let's see. Hi everyone. Hi Rebecca. All right.
Remember that on Tuesdays, I do my ask the attorney anything sessions, which I always
have tons of great questions on that. So that's Tuesdays at noon. I've committed to going
live twice a week at noon Pacific Time on Tuesdays and Thursdays. And on Tuesdays, I
do my ask the attorney anything sessions, which I also do by the way in my three must
have secrets to communicating with a narcissist free webinar that I offer several times a
week. And I know lots and lots of you have attended that, and I get to see a lot of you
there as well. There will be a sign up for that free webinar in the comments in this
video as well once we put it up on YouTube. So if you want to participate in that, come
on over and join me in that and that is also free.
There's somebody saying that he wants to hurt you. Yeah, I mean the bottom line is they
only use this hoovering technique to try to get you back into their web of control. It's
not... They're not actually, it's so confusing because it's not actually to make you feel
better. It's not anything that has anything to do with you because it never really does
when it comes to narcissists, it only has to do with them. And they use it as a tool,
as a tool of manipulation. I often see it in the discard phase as the
divorce is starting or something like that. But remember, with the narcissistic relationship,
it's love bombing, devaluing, and discarding, but it's not love bomb then devalue then discard.
It starts off with love bombing, but they can be love bombing as they're devaluing,
love bombing as they're discarding, and that's what hoovering is.
So that's the term of the day with hoovering. All forms of narcissists do this, whether
it's the covert narcissist or the grandiose narcissist or the overt. Overt is grandiose.
Or the malignant narcissist. They all use this tool of hoovering in order to get the
person that they have targeted to not look at their bad behavior and only be back into
being a form of supply for them, because that's what you serve for them is giving them a source
of narcissistic supply. Remember, supply is anything that feeds their
ego. It could be normal things that feed people's egos such as money and compliments and those
sorts of things. But what narcissists need is an endless amount of other supply too,
which is devaluing people and discarding people, debasing people, making people feel bad, jerking
them around. So remember that when you're going to negotiate with a narcissist, you
are not coming from the same place. You, reasonable person, are looking for a reasonable outcome.
Narcissist person is looking to feed their ego. So if jerking you around helps to feed
their ego, then they will continue to do that for as long as they need to. And that's why
it's really, really hard to settle cases with narcissists, and that's why I created my Slay
program, which I know a lot of you have participated in as well.
So that's it for hoovering today and narcissism 101 today. If you are on YouTube, make sure
you subscribe and hit that notification bell, give it a like, give it a share, drop me a
comment. If you are on Facebook, do the same thing but just subscribe to my... or like
my page, and then join me in my free private Facebook group.
If you haven't downloaded my free crush my negotiation prep worksheet, make sure you
do that now. Literally, thousands of people have downloaded it now, and you can just get
that at winmynegotiation.com. I'm so glad to have seen all of you here. This is so fantastic.
If you have more questions, you can join me on my free webinar, the three must have secrets
to communicating with the narcissist, or next Tuesday at noon where I will be right here
answering your questions again. Thanks so much for joining me today, all of
you, I send you light and peace and prayers and hugs and love, and I'm here to support
you through this process of dealing and negotiating with that high conflict personality. I'm Rebecca
Zung. Thanks so much for joining me. I'll see you in the next video, and remember that
today's a great day to start negotiating your best life.