>> Stephen: HELLO! LOOK AT YOU!
HEY, WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, WE BROADCAST THIS SHOW FROM NEW YORK CITY, FROM A
STORAGE CLOSET IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER.
BUT THAT STORAGE CLOSET ITSELF IS INSIDE A LARGE AREA I LIKE TO
CALL "REALITY"-- A PLACE OUR REPUBLICAN BROTHERS AND SISTERS
HAVE CHOSEN TO NO LONGER INHABIT, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT
COMES TO THE 2020 ELECTION.
THEIR LIE THAT IT WAS STOLEN AND THE INEVITABLE AFTERMATH: THE
JANUARY 6 CAPITOL RIOT.
ONE REFUGEE FROM REALITY IS HOUSE MINORITY LEADER KEVIN
McCARTHY, SEEN HERE AUCTIONING OFF HIS INTEGRITY.
TO INVESTIGATE THE CAPITOL RIOT, NANCY PELOSI HAS, FOR MONTHS,
BEEN TRYING TO PUT TOGETHER A BIPARTISAN COMMISSION, SIMILAR
TO THE 9/11 COMMISSION.
McCARTHY DEMANDED THAT REPUBLICANS HAVE EQUAL
REPRESENTATION AND EQUAL ABILITY TO SUBPOENA WITNESSES.
WELL, LAST WEEK, THE DEMOCRATS SAID, OKAY.
AND TODAY, KEVIN McCARTHY ANNOUNCED THAT HE OPPOSES A
BIPARTISAN COMMISSION ON THE CAPITOL RIOT.
THERE YOU GO.
MOTTO FOR 9/11 WAS "NEVER FORGET."
FOR JANUARY 6, THE G.O.P.'S GOING WITH "FUGGEDABOUTIT."
MAKE NO MISTAKE, McCARTHY OPPOSES THIS COMMISSION BECAUSE
HE KNOWS WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO FIND.
THE CAPITOL RIOT WAS PERPETRATED BY HIS PARTY'S FOLLOWERS AT THE
BEHEST OF A PRESIDENT HE SUPPORTED, BASED ON AN ELECTION
LIE McCARTHY HIMSELF HELPED SPREAD.
IT'S THE SAME REASON I OPPOSED MY WIFE'S BIPARTISAN COMMISSION
ON WHO ATE THE LAST SLICE OF PIZZA.
EVIE, IT IS TIME FOR AMERICA TO MOVE ON.
AND ORDER ANOTHER PIZZA.
ANOTHER REASON McCARTHY IS -- I'M NOT GOING TO PITCH IN
BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T WANT TO EAT ANY.
ANOTHER REASON McCARTHY IS AGAINST THIS IS THAT HE COULD
POTENTIALLY BE CALLED AS A WITNESS, BECAUSE ON JANUARY 6,
McCARTHY CALLED PRESIDENT SWEET 'N SAURON AND BEGGED HIM TO CALL
OFF THE MAGA MOB, BUT INSTEAD, THE PREZ REPLIED, "WELL, KEVIN,
I GUESS THESE PEOPLE ARE MORE UPSET ABOUT THE ELECTION THAN
YOU ARE."
YET, McCARTHY STILL DEFENDS HIM.
FORGET THE RIOT.
WE NEED A BIPARTISAN COMMISSION TO FIND KEVIN'S BALLS.
OBVIOUSLY, McCARTHY CAN'T JUST ISSUE AN OFFICIAL STATEMENT THAT
SAYS, "I HEART THE COUP."
SO INSTEAD, HE CAME UP WITH A BUNCH OF BOGUS EXCUSES WHY HIS
OPPOSITION WAS ALL NANCY PELOSI'S FAULT, LIKE FOR MONTHS,
THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE REFUSED TO NEGOTIATE IN GOOD FAITH, AND
"WHILE THE SPEAKER HAS WASTED TIME PLAYING POLITICAL GAMES..."
YES, POLITICAL GAMES.
PELOSI'S PLAYING CHESS WHILE THE G.O.P. IS PLAYING A DANGEROUS
GAME OF "NAHTZEE."
BUT McCARTHY'S CORE PRETEND REASON FOR OPPOSING THE
INVESTIGATION IS THAT THE COMMISSION IGNORES THE POLITICAL
VIOLENCE THAT HAS STRUCK AMERICAN CITIES-- A REPUBLICAN
CONGRESSIONAL BASEBALL PRACTICE, AND, MOST RECENTLY, THE DEADLY
ATTACK ON CAPITOL POLICE ON APRIL 2, 2021.
SURE, EVERYONE KNOWS YOU CAN'T INVESTIGATE ONE CRIME WITHOUT
INVESTIGATING EVERY OTHER CRIME.
IT'S THE PREMISE OF THE NEW DICK WOLF SERIES, "LAW & ORDER:
THIS IS GOING TO TAKE A WHILE."
( DUN-DUN )
TOOK, BUT STILL A LONG TIME.
McCARTHY'S NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO'S DECIDING TO FORGET HOW HE
FELT ON JANUARY 6.
SO IS GEORGIA CONGRESSMAN AND MAN WHOSE SMILE IS CLINICALLY
DEPRESSED, ANDREW CLYDE.
LAST WEEK, CLYDE SAID THIS ABOUT CAPITOL RIOTERS:
>> WATCHING THE TV FOOTAGE OF THOSE WHO ENTERED THE CAPITOL
AND WALKED THROUGH STATUARY HALL, SHOWED PEOPLE IN AN
ORDERLY FASHION STAYING BETWEEN THE STANCHIONS AND ROPES, TAKING
VIDEOS AND PICTURES.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW THE TV FOOTAGE WAS A VIDEO FROM
JANUARY THE 6th, YOU WOULD ACTUALLY THINK IT WAS A NORMAL
TOURIST VISIT.
>> Stephen: OKAY...
BUT NOW A COUPLE PICTURES ON JANUARY 6 HAVE SURFACED.
ONE SHOWS THE CONGRESSMAN BARRICADING THE DOOR OF THE
HOUSE CHAMBER, AND ANOTHER SHOWS HIS TERRIFIED REACTION.
BUT THAT COULD STILL BE A PICTURE OF A TOUR GUIDE.
( AS PANICKED TOUR GUIDE )
BUY A MAGNET FOR YOUR GRANDMA!
WE'RE WALKING, AND WE'RE WALKING."
NOWHERE HAVE REPUBLICANS HELD ON TO THE BIG LIE MORE FERVENTLY
THAN THE GREAT STATE OF ARIZONA, WHERE STATE SENATE REPUBLICANS
HIRED A FIRM CALLED CYBER NINJAS TO DO A NON-OFFICIAL AUDIT OF
MARICOPA COUNTY.
AMONG OTHER THINGS, THE CYBER NINJAS CONDUCTED A FORENSIC
ANALYSIS OF BALLOTS TO DETERMINE IF THE PAPER WAS MADE OF BAMBOO,
IN ORDER TO DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT IT CAME FROM CHINA.
OF COURSE, ALL PAPER FROM CHINA IS MADE OF BAMBOO, JUST LIKE ALL
THE NEWSPAPERS IN ITALY ARE PRINTED ON PROSCIUTTO.
BUT NOW, EVEN REPUBLICANS IN ARIZONA ARE ASKING TO GET OFF
THE CRAZY TRAIN, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THE
REPUBLICAN-DOMINATED MARICOPA COUNTY BOARD OF SUPERVISORS
DENOUNCED AN ONGOING AUDIT OF THE 2020 ELECTION VOTE AS A
"SHAM" AND A "CON."
IT'S THE BIGGEST CON TO COME OUT OF ARIZONA SINCE THEY STARTED
SAYING, "BUT IT'S A DRY HEAT."
OKAY, IT'S STILL 113 DEGREES OUT, WHICH MEANS IT GETS PLENTY
HUMID AROUND MY "FLAGSTAFF," IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.
AND MY WHIFF.
WHAT PUT THE ARIZONA G.O.P. OVER THE EDGE?
WELL, IT MAY BE THE LATEST CONSPIRACY THEORY, WHICH IS--
AND STICK WITH ME HERE-- THAT IN THE 2020 ELECTION, STATE
ELECTION OFFICIALS SHREDDED THEIR BALLOTS AND FED THEM TO
CHICKENS.
THAT'S RIGHT, CHICKENS.
LOOKS LIKE THIS IS A CASE, OF FOWL PLAY.
( OPENING SCREAM FROM THE WHO'S "WON'T GET FOOLED AGAIN." )
OKAY.
MAYBE THAT'S THE LAST TIME.
( LAUGHTER )
TO RECAP: THE DEMOCRATS FED THE BALLOTS TO CHICKENS.
PERFECT CRIME, RIGHT?
WRONG.
IT GETS "PERFECTER."
BECAUSE THE CHICKENS MIGHT SQUAWK.
THE CONSPIRACY THEORY SAYS THAT AFTER THEY FED THE BALLOTS TO
THE CHICKENS, THE OFFICIALS THEN HAD THE CHICKENS INCINERATED TO
COVER UP THE EVIDENCE.
THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.
YOU CAN'T JUST BURN PAPER.
YOU NEED AN ACCELERANT, LIKE CHICKEN.
IT REMINDS ME OF THE OLD JOKE: "WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE
ROAD?
BECAUSE THERE WAS A FURNACE ON THE OTHER SIDE, AND HE'D JUST
EATEN A BUNCH OF BALLOTS AND WAS HELPING THE DEMOCRATS COVER UP
THEIR CRIME.
THE CHICKEN-BURNERS AREN'T THE ONLY WHACKJOBS OUT THERE
PROMOTING ELECTION CONSPIRACIES
LAST WEEK, A GROUP OF FORMER U.S. MILITARY LEADERS
SIGNED A BIZARRE OPEN LETTER PUSHING ELECTION LIES.
THAT'S KIND OF SPOOKY.
MILITARY GUYS PUTTING OUT A LETTER SAYING THE ELECTION WAS
STOLEN IS THE KIND OF THING THAT HAPPENS RIGHT BEFORE THE JUNTA
STARTS BUYING MIRRORED SUNGLASSES.
BUT AS SHOCKING AS THIS LETTER IS, WAS AM-- I WAS HEARTENED BY
THE NAME OF ONE FORMER MILITARY PATRIOT WHO SIGNED THE LETTER:
REAR ADMIRAL JACK MEEHOFF.
JACK MEEHOFF IS A TRUE AMERICAN HERO WHO SERVED BRAVELY IN
SEVERAL SOLO MISSIONS WHERE HE BEAT OFF THE ENEMY
SINGLE-HANDEDLY.
WE ALL REMEMBER HIS HEROICS IN THE BATTLE OF STROKE-INAWA.
( LAUGHTER )
DAY.
HE WAS AWARDED THE PURPLE HARD-ON, AT WHICH POINT, HE
WASN'T HONORABLY DISCHARGED.
HE WAS FULLY RELEASED.
BATTLE OF THE BULGE.
JACK MEEHOFF IS, I AM JUST NOW REALIZING, A MADE-UP NAME
SUBMITTED BY SOMEONE TRYING TO PRANK THESE STUPID RETIRED
FASCISTS.
BUT THEY DIDN'T CATCH ON.
INSTEAD, THEY PUBLISHED THE NAME AFTER RESPONDING, "THANK YOU FOR
YOUR SUPPORT.
YOUR NAME WILL BE ADDED TO THE LETTER TODAY.
THANK YOU FOR STANDING TALL."
YES, REAR ADMIRAL JACK MEEHOFF STANDS TALL, ESPECIALLY IF HE
TAKES A CERTAIN MEDICATION THREE TO FIVE HOURS BEFORE HE THINKS
HE MIGHT NEED TO SALUTE.
AND THIS HERO IS FOLLOWING THE FOOTSTEPS OF GREAT AMERICAN
PRANKSTERS.
THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE IS FULL OF SIGNATURES LIKE
BEECHER MEET, FINGER BLASTER.
AND, OF COURSE, JOHN HANCOCK.
I WANT TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO CALL ON ALL MEMBERS OF THE
MILITARY, WHETHER YOU'RE CURRENTLY IN ACTION OR HAVING
SOME ORANGE JUICE BEFORE YOUR NEXT CALL OF DUTY, TO SIGN THIS
LETTER USING YOUR DEFINITELY REAL NAME:
I'M TALKING TO YOU...
MAJOR HARDEN CAPTAIN LUKE ATDESEBALLS
SERGEANT RUBEN JUAN OUTT
COLONEL ANNE L. BEADS PRIVATE WILLY TUGGER
AND, OF COURSE, FIELD MARSHALL BUTT STUFF.
( LAUGHTER )
EARLIER TODAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN TOURED A FORD FACTORY THAT IS
MAKING ELECTRIC VEHICLES.
AND AFTERWARDS, HE FINAGLED HIMSELF A RIDE IN THE BRAND-NEW,
NOT-YET-RELEASED ALL-ELECTRIC FORD F-150.
>> NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF ANYBODY HAS A STOPWATCH, BUT I THINK IF
WE'RE GOING ZERO TO 60 IN ABOUT 4.3, 4.4?
I'M JUST GONNA STEP ON IT, AND I'LL COME OFF AT 80 MILES AN
HOUR.
YOU'LL SEE WHAT IT IS, OKAY?
OKAY, HERE WE GO?
ARE YOU READY?
>> SEE YOU, SIR!
>> ARE YOU READY?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WOW, THAT IS COOL.
NORMALLY, THE ONLY ELECTRIC- POWERED VEHICLE SOMEONE OF HIS
AGE IS PILOTING IS A JAZZY AT THE CASINO.
NOW THE AVIATOR GLASSES MAKE A LITTLE MORE SENSE.
HE REALLY PUNCHED IT, UNLIKE THE LAST GUY, WHO WAS CONTENT MAKING
VROOM-VROOM NOISES.
IN COVID NEWS, THERE'S LESS AND LESS COVID NEWS, BECAUSE THANKS
TO VACCINES, U.S. WEEKLY DEATHS FROM COVID HAVE FALLEN TO THE
LOWEST RATES IN 14 MONTHS.
YES!
SUMMER IS ALMOST HERE, AND IT IS FINALLY SAFE TO DRINK A SIX-PACK
AND SET OFF SOME FIREWORKS FROM OUR SEA-DOO.
AND I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST FREEDOMS IN TONIGHT'S
"THE VAX-SCENE."
( OPERATIC SINGING )
DON'T BE A WEINER ♪ IT ATTACKS THE SPIKE
PROTEIN-AH ♪ SO GO GET YOUR VACCINE-AH ♪
( GLASS BREAKING )
>> Stephen: LAST WEEK, THE C.D.C. ANNOUNCED THAT VACCINATED
FOLKS CAN HANG OUT INDOORS IN THEIR BIRTHDAY FACES, BUCK TOOTH
NAKED.
AND NOW STATES ARE CHANGING THEIR RULES, LIKE HERE IN THE
BIG APPLE.
TOMORROW, NEW YORK WILL END MOST MASK REQUIREMENTS FOR VACCINATED
PEOPLE.
>> WE HAVE TO GET BACK TO LIFE AND LIVING, AND WE HAVE TO DO IT
THE WAY NEW YORKERS DO IT.
>> Stephen: YES, NEW YORK LIVIN': CRAMMED TOGETHER ON THE
SUBWAY, FEELING A STRANGER'S HAND BRUSH YOUR BUTT, THEN
TURNING AROUND TO SEE THAT IT WAS JUST GOVERNOR CUOMO.
( LAUGHTER )
TEIR OWN DECISIONS.
SOME ARE LIFTING MASK MANDATES, LIKE HOME DEPOT, TARGET,
WALMART, AND STARBUCKS.
WOW, STARBUCKS WILL NO LONGER REQUIRE MASKS?
THAT IS HUGE!
I'M SORRY, THAT IS VENTI.
BUT SOME STORES STILL WANT YOU TO MASK, LIKE WALGREENS,
RITE AID, HOMEGOODS, AND TJMAXX.
I'M SURPRISED ABOUT TJMAXX.
THAT'S PRETTY RESTRAINED BEHAVIOR FOR A STORE THAT SELLS
THROW PILLOWS AND OFF-BRAND SALSA ON THE SAME SHELF.
( LAUGHTER )
SOME DON'T.
SOME STATES HAVE MASK MANDATES, OTHERS DON'T.
IT GETS PRETTY CONFUSING, SO HERE'S AN EASY MNEMONIC DEVICE
TO REMEMBER WHICH STATES HAVE RECENTLY RELAXED THEIR MASK
POLICIES.
OKAY, HERE THEY ARE.
AND HERE'S HOW TO REMEMBER THEM: WHY
IS PIZZA
VERY DELICIOUS
CHRIS?
CALORIES?
MMMM NUH-NUH-NO.
O.
KAY!
YAY!
OF COURSE, THE "Y" IN YAY STANDS FOR "YOU SHOULD ALWAYS CONSULT
MASK POLICY SIGNAGE AT LOCAL RETAILERS."
NOW, WHILE THE ECONOMY IS BOUNCING BACK, SOME BUSINESSES
ARE FINDING IT HARDER THAN OTHERS-- SPECIFICALLY,
PAY-PER-VIEW BOOTY, BECAUSE STRIPPERS ARE BACK ON THE JOB,
BUT OVID RULES ARE HURTING THEIR PAY.
THIS ISN'T RIGHT.
WE NEED TO SUPPORT OUR FRONT-LINE TWERKERS.
LET'S CLAP FOR THEM AT 7:00 P.M.
AFTER ALL, THEY MAKE IT CLAP FOR US.
BECAUSE OF SOCIAL DISTANCING, STRIP CLUB CROWDS ARE THINNED
OUT, PROMPTING ONE STRIPPER TO SAY, "IT'S JUST NOT FUN
ANYMORE."
THAT BREAKS MY HEART.
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THE DAY WHEN STRIP CLUBS WOULD BE
DEPRESSING.
DANCERS ARE SEEING LESS CASH BECAUSE PREMIUM STRIP-SPERIENCES
ARE STILL PROHIBITED, LIKE V.I.P. ROOMS AND LAP DANCES.
SUCH A SHAME.
AFTER 14 MONTHS OF QUARANTINE, AMERICANS' BODIES ARE MOSTLY
LAP.
BUT EVEN IF YOU CAN'T GET A LAP DANCE, THERE ARE STILL OTHER
REASONS TO HIT THE "CLURRB," BECAUSE IN NEVADA, THEY'VE
ANNOUNCED SOME VEGAS STRIP CLUBS WILL BE OFFERING VACCINES--
SPECIFICALLY, LARRY FLYNT'S HUSTLER CLUB WILL OFFER
VACCINATIONS ON FRIDAY, MAY 21, FROM 4:00 P.M. TO 7:00 P.M.
THAT'S RIGHT, 4:00 P.M.
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY, YOU CAN TELL YOUR LOVED ONES,
"WELL, I'M OFF TO THE STRIP CLUB IN DAYTIME, BECAUSE I'M ACTING
RESPONSIBLY."
LAUGH WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE MORGAN FREEMAN AND TIG NOTARO.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE."
JOIN US.