I wish we didn't have to talk about this. I'll give you some pointers today about
how to confront your husband about flirting. Big reveal. Okay. I have a bias.
I believe in complete faithfulness and fidelity inside of a marriage. I don't
think there's any room for other people in the marriage. So, if you believe
something other than that, this may not be the video that you're looking for.
That's my disclosure right up front. Because I think that's an important part
of forming a healthy stable lasting relationship. Now, in the context of that,
sometimes people make mistakes. Sometimes people make very grievous errors or
lapses of judgment as well. So, there can be a whole spectrum of what's going on
here. So right up front here, I want to make a distinction between at least 2
different levels of flirting that sometimes happens within a relationship.
One kind is more general. Meaning that it happens a lot. It's typical of that
person's personality. Usually is something that's been going on for a
long time and those patterns are kind of hard to change. That's one level. Another
level is when it's happening in a pretty limited context with one other person.
And that's actually a lot more risky because it shows a potential attachment.
The first kind is usually based in some kind of insecurity and sometimes just a
personality style where people tend to be a little more outgoing or flirtatious
in their manner. So, take a few minutes to determine which kind we're dealing with.
That's going to make a little bit of a difference in how we approach it.
Either way, regardless of what kind of flirting we're dealing with. It's
important for you to stay positive. This is because if you jump too quickly, if
you assume too much or if approach this with anger or negativity,
you're going to get a defensive response. That doesn't even surprise you. You've
probably already even seen it. A defensive response just means that
someone's feeling attacked. So, we definitely don't want to attack. Stay
positive. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself so that we can
have this conversation. It's really important to have the conversation. I got
your back on this. We just don't want to approach it in a way that makes things
worse. So, when you take on a positive attitude, it doesn't mean that you're
condoning or approving of any kind of misbehavior. That's not what it means. It
simply means that you're putting yourself in a good place. So that we can
deal with this thing appropriately. From that positive attitude, I want to borrow
a little strategy that I learned from dr. John Gottman. It's to use a softened
start up. Now, the start up is when you're going to confront or bring up any
particular issue. Softening it means that we're not going to come at it with a
chainsaw when what we really need is a little scalpel, okay? Tone it down.
Make sure that you personally have a calm voice, calm face, calm body. And
without attacking come at it from a little softer standpoint. I guarantee
that's gonna get a better result. Starting from a soft place also means
that you personally are willing to be vulnerable. Now, if your husband is
flirting, it's probably causing you to feel threatened. This triggers are very
natural what we call a fight-or-flight response. It's just your brains way of
trying to take care of you if you're in danger. And there's a perception of
danger if your husband is flirting. Because then it doesn't feel like your
relationship is as stable as it could be. Be willing to be vulnerable. Because the
next strategy I'm going to share with you requires vulnerability for it to
really be effective. And here's the strategy. Identify, verify and accept. I've
talked about this in some other videos. We want to keep the lines of
communication open. In fact, right after you finish watching this one, watch the
video that I did called secrets to positive communication. You can link to
that video right up there. Just queue it up it'll play for you next. Go back to
identify, verify and accept now for just a moment. Those are 3 steps. Identify
is we're in a softened startup sort of way you're being calm in your voice face
and body. And you approach your husband and in a softened vulnerable way you say,
"Sweetie, when this happens, I feel...." Okay now, you fill in the blanks. And instead
of saying this, you're going to say whatever it is. "Sweetie, when I see you
interacting in a flirty way with other women, I feel vulnerable. I feel
threatened. I feel insecure about our relationship." Okay, you pick how it is
that you feel but it's in that format. "When this happens I feel this."
That's identify. You don't blame, you don't accuse. Do it in kind of the way
that I just shared with you and I think it's going to go pretty well. Here's the
next step: Verify. For this step, you simply ask, "Is that what you were
intending? Is that what you were going for? Was that your objective?" Okay, a
question like that... This is beautiful. I got this from Pamela Jett, communications
specialist and a dear friend of mine. She nailed it with this step. You're simply
putting it back to them. Not in an accusing way. Just asking, "Is
that what you were going for?" Now, 95% of the time people are going to
backpedal right about now. He's going to be "Oh, no. I didn't...
that's not what I was doing. It's not what I intended." Right? You're going to get
that kind of a response. Or sometimes, they'll
turn it back on you. "Oh, you're being so sensitive."
Now, no matter what, no matter, what you simply move to the next step.
Accept. All it takes is a simple "Okay". So, whatever the response is from your
husband, you just listen to it. You're going to keep a calm voice, calm face,
calm body as you say "okay" to whatever his response was. If it was defensive, if you
tried to explain it away, if you turned it back on you, doesn't matter. "Okay" is
your response. This is so powerful because what you just did is you put him
on notice that his behavior is having an impact on you. And he loves you. He
doesn't want you to feel insecure and vulnerable and threatened or jealous. If
he does, we got some other issues to work on. But he may not even be aware that
he's having that kind of an impact on you. This strategy puts him on notice. And
I think is going to change this dynamic in some positive ways. One more quick tip
before we wrap up this video. After you've done the identify, verify and
accept, thank him. Show some appreciation. You want to reinforce this communication
pattern that you're initiating. That's really more important than whatever it
is that you're addressing. The flirting is something that needs to be addressed.
The communication in your relationship will help you to deal with this and
other things that are likely to come up in the future.
So, show the appreciation. Thank him for being open with you. Thank him for
listening to your feedback. That's going to be powerful. Remember to grab that
positive communication video next. I think that's going to help as well. And
we've got other videos here on the positive relationships resources playlist.
You're going to find all kinds of things there that I hope will help. Would you
also share this with someone else? I bet you can think of someone. Thank you for
being here. We'll be back tomorrow with another video.