WELCOME BACK.
I STAYED UP PRETTY LATE LAST NIGHT.
SHOCKING ELECTION NEWS, BY THE WAY.
I JUST FOUND THIS OUT, DURING THE COMMERCIAL BREAK, THE "NEW
YORK TIMES" BROKE THE STORY THAT, ACCORDING TO WEEKES,
"THE CLINTON CAMPAIGN BOUGHT THE APARTMENT BELOW TRUMP'S TO
SECRETLY RECORD HIM."
THAT'S INCREDIBLE!
AND WITH GOOD REASON.
I MADE IT UP.
BUT YOU BELIEVED IT, RIGHT?
WHY?
BECAUSE THIS IS ELECTION IS (BLEEP) INSANE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) STUFF LIKE THAT GETS MADE UP ALL
THE TIME AND SOMEHOW BECOME NEWS.
A RECENT STUDY FOUND THAT HYPERPARTISAN FACEBOOK PAGES ARE
CONSISTENTLY FEEDING MILLIONS OF FOLLOWERS FALSE OR MISLEADING
INFORMATION.
AND THE LESS TRUTHFUL THE CONTENT, THE MORE FREQUENTLY IT
WAS SHARED.
I'VE NEVER TRUSTED MY FACEBOOK FEED.
IN FACT, I'M BEGINNING TO THINK THAT DOG DIDN'T MEET THE REAL
GUMBY.
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT'S TRUE ANYMORE.
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT REALITY IS.
THAT'S WHY IT'S BEEN SO EASY TO START THESE ACTUAL CONSPIRACY
THEORIES ABOUT THE ELECTION, LIKE: DOES HILLARY CLINTON HAVE
A BODY DOUBLE; DONALD TRUMP'S SABOTAGED MICROPHONE; THE DEBATE
COCAINE; GOOGLE'S PRO-HILLARY ALGORITHMS; AND THE WACKIEST
RUMOR OF ALL, THAT DONALD TRUMP HAS A 35% CHANCE OF BEING
PRESIDENT!
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, THAT MIGHT -- THAT MIGHT
SOUND BAD.
LIKE A ONE-THIRD CHANCE OF HIM BEING PRESIDENT.
THINK OF IT THIS WAY -- IT'S JUST LIKE AMERICA PLAYING
RUSSIAN ROULETTE WITH TWO BULLETS.
WITH ALL THESE PARANOID THEORIES SWIRLING AROUND, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE
TO KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE, SO WHY NOT BELIEVE EVERYTHING?
NOW YOU CAN!
IN MY SEGMENT, THE "LATE SHOW PRESENTS 'STEPHEN COLBERT'S
TINFOIL HAT.'" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AS ALWAYS, BROUGHT TO YOU BY REYNOLDS WRAP: KEEPS THE RADIO
SIGNALS OUT OF YOUR SKULL AND ALL THE FLAVOR IN.
( LAUGHTER ) THE ALIENS WILL THANK YOU WHEN
THEY POP A STRAW IN YOUR NOGGIN TO SUCK OUT YOUR BRAINS LIKE A
CAPRI SUN.
WELCOME TO THE TRUTH BUNKER.
THIS IS WHERE I SHARE THE SECRET TRUTHS THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO
KNOW ABOUT, WHICH HAVE BEEN REVEALED TO ME BY MY EXCLUSIVE
SOURCE: NYQUIL SEVERE COLD AND FLU.
MMM.
SPEAK TO ME, DEXTROMETHORPHAN!
OH, I AM TRIPPIN' BALLS!
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY, WHAT'S COMING IN RIGHT
HERE?
THIS IS JUST COMING OVER MY DOT MATRIX PRINTOUT OF ALL OF
FACEBOOK.
HERE'S THE FIRST RUMOR COMING IN.
IS IT POSSIBLE WE'VE ALL BEEN GROPED BY DONALD TRUMP BUT JUST
DIDN'T FEEL IT BECAUSE OF HIS TINY BABY HANDS?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
SOMETHING'S JUST COME IN OVER THE WIRE!
AND IF SANTA CLAUS IS ALWAYS WATCHING, WHY DIDN'T HE SAVE
KENNEDY?
WAIT, I'M GETTING A MESSAGE VIA CONSPIRACY PIGEON.
HOW ARE YOU, DARLING?
HOLD ON.
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S FINE.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, HERE.
JUST COME IN FROM THE CONSPIRACY PIGEON.
IS IT POSSIBLE THAT UPSTATE WEDDINGS ARE A SHAM INVENTED BY
THE "PUTTING CHANDELIERS IN BARNS" INDUSTRY?
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT'S THAT, PIGEON?
WHAT DID YOU WANT TO SAY IN MY DEAF EAR?
WHAT'S THAT?
COULD IT BE THAT CLAMS AND MUSSELS ARE ACTUALLY THE SAME
THING, AND THAT THING IS OYSTERS?
( LAUGHTER ) TELL THE WORLD!
( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT, LET ME JUST CHECK ON
MY BUDDIES ON THE OPEN ROAD.
BREAKER, BREAKER, I GOT A CONSPIRACY ON THE FLIP FLOP.
HOW COME WE HAVEN'T SEEN CHUMBAWUMBA IN NEARLY 20 YEARS?
( LAUGHTER ) DID THEY GET KNOCKED DOWN AND
NOT GET UP AGAIN?
GET ON BACK TO ME ON THIS ONE -- WHAT IF THE SWEDISH GOVERNMENT
IS SECRETLY RECORDING US WITH MICROCHIPS HIDDEN IN IKEA ALLEN
WRENCHES?
IT'S THE PERFECT PLAN.
EVERY HOUSE HAS AT LEAST ONE AND YOU NEVER THROW IT AWAY, JUST IN
CASE YOU NEED TO TIGHTEN YOUR SMYORDBILLA.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
LET'S MOVE ON.
WHAT'S THIS?
HOLD ON.
WHAT'S THIS.
GOT TO KEEP THE JUICES IN!
OKAY.
I FORGOT TO PUT IT ON EARLIER, THEY HEARD EVERYTHING I SAID!
OKAY.
LET'S GO TO THE OCCULT.
LET'S LEAD THE TEA LEAVES.
IT'S CLEAR.
OKAY.
THE MESSAGE IS -- WHY HAVEN'T I EVER SEEN A DOG
CHASE A CAT IN REAL LIFE?
WHO WANTS US TO THINK THEY HATE EACH OTHER?
A MESSAGE OVER THE WALKIE-TALKIE!
HOLD ON.
I'M COMING!
HELLO?
YES.
HELLO?
YES.
ARE THE LYRICS TO "AMERICAN PIE" ACTUALLY A CODED MESSAGE TRYING
TO WARN YOU THAT "AMERICAN PIE" GOES ON WAY, WAY TOO LONG?
( LAUGHTER ) SOMETHING'S COMING IN OVER HERE.
HOLD ON.
WHAT'S THIS?
GOT TO KEEP IT TIGHT.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S THE CONSPIRACY PIGEON.
WHAT'S IT?
COME IN, PIGEON!
WHY DO GARY JOHNSON VOTERS STILL HAVE TO GO TO THE POLLS ON
ELECTION DAY WHEN THEY COULD JUST AS EASILY FLUSH THEIR
BALLOT DOWN THE TOILET AT HOME?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHAT'S THIS?
WHAT'S THIS?
OH, HERE IT IS!
WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT IF YOU REARRANGE THE LETTERS IN DONALD
TRUMP, YOU GET "TAN DUMP LORD?" ( LAUGHTER )
TRUE.
I'M GUESSING YOU WOULD.
WHAT'S THAT?
THE CHIP THE ILLUMINATI IMPLANTED IN MY BRAIN TELLS ME
THAT'S IT FOR THIS EDITION OF "TINFOIL HAT."
BUT ALWAYS REMEMBER: THE TRUTH IS IN HERE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH AARON ECKHART.