I love couple activities. My favorite couple activity
is as simple as just laying in bed together,
listening to music.
Doing some bed dancing.
[laughter]
Just trying to recreate Jay-Z/Beyoncé videos.
And I sing the Beyoncé part.
And she does the Jay-Z rap.
And every time Jay-Z says the N-word,
I say it for her 'cause she's probably a white girl.
[laughter]
Ah, so fun.
Your reaction was exactly like I thought it would be
without looking at you.
[laughing]
I grew up in the south side of Chicago,
which is a very rough area.
I'm not a tough person.
[laughter]
And a lot of women I was going after,
especially a lot of the black women,
they like the tougher type of black dudes.
That's what they saw, you know?
That's what the media showed you, you know?
There's only, like, one or two types of black dudes
they try to show you,
and there's so many different types, you know?
But they only like to show you a couple,
you know, like "thug" or "dead."
[laughter]
And that's not cool.
There's so many different types of black people.
There's so many different types of any type of people.
There's just so many different types
of black dudes in general.
There's, like, basketball [bleep],
there's "Dragon Ball" [bleep].
[laughter and applause]
I'm a proud "Dragon Ball" [bleep].
[cheers and applause]
It's just who I am, and sometimes that didn't work
with the women I was going after, you know?
They wanted more of a tough, strong,
dominant black man.
So many of 'em were like that to the point
I just started pretending like I was that, you know,
if they didn't know me, if they didn't know who I was,
if they didn't know I was a Care Bear cousin inside.
[laughter]
But eventually, they figure it out,
and they'd be like, Look, Ron,
I'm sorry.
You're a good guy.
And that's the problem.
I'm looking for a tough, strong,
dominant black man
to help take care of me.
And I'd be like, Well,
quite frankly...
[laughter]
So am I.
[laughter]
You don't think I want to ride
on The Rock's shoulders?
Eating an ice cream cone?
Girl, do you even look at my vision board?
[laughter]
He's Dwayne
"The Rock"
Johnson.
The Beyoncé for boys.
[cheers and applause]
Oh, The Rock is perfect.
He can do no wrong in my eyes.
If I was out on a date with a lady,
and we were all cuddled up together,
which sometimes happens.
And then The Rock saw us,
and he was like, oh.
You guys make a cute couple.
But not anymore.
'Cause I want to [bleep] her.
I'd be like, well, sir!
I'ma check with her first.
Oh, but on this end,
there are no issues.
[laughter]
I mean, if The Rock was hitting on me,
if his muscular finger went against
the nape of my neck, oh...
[laughter]
I mean, I like to think I'm straight,
but in this case, you know, who really knows?
[laughter]
Maybe I am a Rock bottom. I don't know.
[cheers, laughter, and applause]
Look, all I really know is,
if The Rock was hitting on me,
I'd just be like, uh...
[clicks tongue]
I'ma have to see where he's going with this.
But I think I smell what The Rock is cooking.
[laughter]
Smell that [bleep].
[laughter]
That's fun to say!
Smell The Rock's [bleep]!
Glad you guys like that.
My mom hates that joke.
Not The Rock's [bleep] part of the joke.
She actually likes that part of it.
She keeps trying to get me to add more to it.
She's like, talk about the veins.
Talk about the veins.
[laughter]
My mom doesn't hate The Rock's [bleep] part of that joke.
She hates the dating white ladies part.
Uh-- [laughs]
Much like you seem to.
Uh-- [laughs]
And that's fine. That's a perspective.
You know, it's just that my mom would prefer
if I were to settle down with a full-black lady,
give her some nice full-black grandbabies,
'cause my mom's "a racist."
[laughter]
And it's fun to say that out loud.
And it's just true.
My mom's a little racist.
She's a little homophobic.
My mom's like an old-timey
Southern conservative white man...
[laughter]
That somehow got trapped...
[laughter]
In a poor black lady's body.
Just like the best episode of "Quantum Leap" ever.
[cheers and applause]
I just try not to judge my mom, you know?
I just love my mom to death, and...
you know, she's a little racist.
It's okay, a lot of older people are.
She doesn't make laws or anything.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
It's just that my mom grew up in a different time, you know?
My mom grew up in a time
when racism was very prevalent in America,
not like today.
[laughter]
Oh, what have you heard?
[laughter]
Well, my mom grew up in a time
where racism was more in-your-face.
Everybody was doing it,
and nobody knew why.
It was like Pogs.
[laughter and applause]
Ha.
That's a weird joke.
If you got it, or if you didn't get it,
you're right.
[laughter]
It's a weird joke to put at the end of your entire set.
[laughs]
After you've earned everybody's trust.
But I think it's one of the best jokes
that sums up my entire act, if not my life.
Well, I know, like, half the people around me are like,
"I don't know what the [bleep] this [bleep]'s talking about."
[laughter]
But there's always, like, one cool dude in the back
who's like, I got a slammer in my pocket right now.