I'm Samantha Bee.
Welcome to "Full Frontal."
Last night in Chicago, we watched President Obama give
an emotional farewell address.
Oh, boy.
Here come the waterworks!
And, you know, speaking of waterworks-- hallelujah!
It's comedy Christmas!
REPORTER 1: Buzzfeed News says the British intelligence passed
to the Americans claims that, during a trip to Russia,
Mr. Trump rented a Moscow hotel suite
where the Obamas once stayed.
And it claims that he paid prostitutes
to urinate on the bed.
Oh, bullshit.
Like we're supposed to believe Trump has started paying
people who do work for him?
That, of course, was the local news.
The national press took a tippy-toe trip
to euphemism town.
We are having one of those moments in American politics
tonight, a confluence of events.
Just one of those classic moments where
the first black president gives a farewell
speech while the next president watches two chicks
piss on a bed.
The only verifiable thing about this report
is how much joy it gave me.
It also claims the Trump campaign
colluded with the Kremlin, which would be a capital offense.
But, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
Ooh, [INAUDIBLE] likes to douse beds in floozy pee!
Of course, that true victim here is that memory foam mattress.
It can't ever forget.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
It's been barely 24 hours since the story broke.
And there are more Trump golden shower jokes on the internet
than there are golden shower videos.
There's a high probability this story is bullshit.
But the fact that it's plausible bullshit
is terrifying statement about what our nation has come to.
No one would ever believe that President Obama
paid anyone to urinate on him.
He has got people who do that for free.
But we absolutely believe that Donald Trump is petty enough
to hire someone to take a whiz in any bed
his predecessor has slept in.
In fact, if we believe doing something nasty and petty
is what gets Trump hard, then his late-night tweets
about Alec Baldwin make a lot more sense.
It was CNN that broke the seal on the report's
existence and Buzzfeed that said,
fuck journalistic standards!
Here you go!
But Mother Jones already reported on it back in October,
and apparently it was anything but secret.
A number of organizations had been looking at some time.
The FBI has it.
They're investigating.
We also know that senior congressional leaders have it.
The same day that the president-elect
got his briefing, you have the so-called Gang of 8--
Plus Philippe, the waiter at the Old Ebbitt Grill
and all the guys selling hats on the Mall.
But that is it.
And then, of course, there's this guy.
Mr. Comey, did you answer Senator Wyden's question that
there is an investigation underway as to connections
between either of the political campaigns and the Russian--
Russians?
I didn't say one way or another.
ANGUS KING: You didn't say one way
or another whether, even, there's
an investigation underway?
Correct.
I don't-- especially in a public forum, we never confirm or deny
a pending investigation.
I mean, unless my rebellious agents think America's
about to elect a total bitch.
But otherwise, never.
Trump immediately denied the allegations.
And, in his defense, they're pretty ludicrous.
To believe them, you'd first have
to accept that Trump has a bizarre fixation
with women and their bladders.
REPORTER 2: That moment in this weekend's debate
when Clinton was late returning from the commercial break--
Sorry.
REPORTER 2: --apparently because nature was calling?
That clearly grossed Trump out.
I-- I know where she went!
It's disgusting!
I don't want to talk about it.
No, it's too disgusting.
Don't say it.
It's disgusting.
Poor Hillary was so traumatized by Trump's
bathroom shaming she now has to go into the woods
to take a leak.
So she must have enjoyed this morning's press conference,
which marked the return of Trump's trademark,
the dumb-ass prop table.
REPORTER 3: On either side of the podium,
you see bottles of Trump Wine, bottles just Trump Water,
and-- and a butcher block of steaks, which is meant
to represent Trump Steaks.
Just as this pile of manila folders
represents a soggy mattress once occupied by the last president
we could look at without bursting into tears.
Let's watch how the next leader of the free world
responds to a provocation.
I will tell you that, not within the meeting
but outside of the meeting, somebody released it.
It should never have been-- number one--
I don't think this is a good time
to be talking about "releasing" and "number one."
I am extremely careful.
In those rooms, you have cameras in the strangest places--
cameras that are so small with modern technology
you can't see them.
And you won't know.
Since when has the presence of cameras
stopped Trump from doing something stupid?
He was furious, just not at Russia.
Russia can help us fight ISIS-- which, by the way,
is number one tricky.
Interestingly enough, "Number One
Tricky" is also the name of the Russian escort agency
Trump uses.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
While it's fun to watch a livid Orange Julius explain that he
can't be into water sports because he's a germaphobe,
we may have just witnessed what the history
books will call the end of America's
tradition of a free press.
It's a disgrace what took place.
It's a disgrace.
And I think they ought to apologize.
JIM ACOSTA: Since you're attacking us,
can you give us a question? - Go ahead.
JIM ACOSTA: No, Mr. President-elect?
Mr. President-elect, since you are attacking
our news organization-- - Not you.
JIM ACOSTA: Can you give us a chance?
Your organization's terrible.
You are attacking our news organization
Your organization's terrible.
Can you give us a chance to ask a question, sir?
- Go ahead. - Sir?
Quiet.
I'm not going to give you a question.
Can you state-- can you state categorically--
You are fake news.
Yeah, no.
I'll take a question from you.
Yeah, you, the cartoon frog giving a thumbs up sign.
We can only hope the incontinent sex worker
frosting draws attention to the report's less delicious details
about Russia manipulating our president.
After all, as the old Disney song goes,
a spoonful of hooker urine helps the treason claims go down.
We'll be right back.
[MUSIC PLAYING]