Can you see them? Are they still coming?
I think we lost them in those trees that looked like wicker people.
What about there? That could be the torches. Get down!
Hey - everyone who still might be watching and welcome to the christmas version of this vlog
happening in this very creepy diner instead of my Dad's nice cozy home
all because of our unexpected need to flee the Silas Campus several days ago.
And because, when we finally hiked to the nearest town and tried to explain our situation
someone...tried to bite their mayor. So they formed a mob.
With torches.
And pitchforks.
And chased us here. Happy Holidays!
I still don't see why you killjoys stopped me. One less politician in the world.
It's Christmas. You don't murder people for Christmas!
A holiday where you can't kill people is a stupid holiday.
All of you! Shhh! They will hear us!
Actually...kind of looks like they're moving away
...or at least not getting any closer. (Beat.) Well, I guess we can just hole up in here. Wherever here is...
Hole up here? How long is that going to be?
Do you want to go send the Bobsey twins out there to ask them?
So we're stuck here indefinitely? Awesome.
What's with you? Did one of those Styrian whackjobs graze you with a pitchfork?
No, no- I'm fine.
It could be much worse. It looks like this used to be some kind of diner...or bakery or something. Maybe we'll find some food.
Waaaay ahead of you. [Perry smacks cookie out of LaF's hands]
I'm not sure those are edible. Ooo, a hot chocolate machine!
Alright I'm going to regret this, but: what's wrong?
Oh, I don't know - maybe that we had to flee school and hike through the mountains! And there's no cell coverage so my Dad probably thinks
I died in the earthquake and there's a mob chasing us and- It's Christmas. And I'm supposed to be watching the BBC Christmas Specials with my Dad
And making gingerbread, and hot chocolate, and -
and you think all that's stupid.
And useless and sentimental. But when has that ever stopped you before?
Come on, we'll stick candles in expired East German snack cakes and...we'll have our own Christmas.
Yeah. It's not the same.
[computer glitches]
Was someone just here?
[staring at the cider] Were those here before?
Mmrf. Corn syrup and diglycerides, baby.
Normally, I'm not a fan of mass-produced confections, but these are amazing!
Remember those cookies your mom used to make for Chanukkah?
Oh, yes remember those with the little candy cane bits? [flashes again, glitches to Mama Klaus]
So that's kind of weird.
Can I help you girls?
Sorry! We just...didn't know anyone else was here, what with the dust and the spiders - and everything -
Oh don't be silly. This is the Klaus Kuchen Haus, the most famous Christmas Destination in all of Austria.
We built it here after we had to leave the pole.
That unfortunate business with the reindeer, you know...
But look at you poor birds: Exhausted, all alone, so far from home! Let Mama whip you up a Christmas treat!
All of your favourite things, let me see we have uh, Peppermint Fudge, and cranberry tarts
and...blood...sausage? Eucch.
And gingerbread with cider.
That's amazing!
Try the gingerbread. It's my specialty.
Oh, really.
So when I offer, it's all "you don't understand, Carmilla" oh "you can't kill people for Christmas, Carmilla." But some old diner lady hauls her creepy gingerbread and-
[tiny screams from cookie] Her really..creepy gingerbread.
What's the matter, sweet girl? Would you like something else? Jellybeans or gumdrops? Chocolate cake or marzipan?
No, that's okay - this is wonderful. It's just - I miss my dad.
Of course you do. I miss all my little helpers. And my fat husband.
Did something happen to them?
Well, once the customers stopped coming certain...sacrifices had to be made. They didn't agree with Kris and his Elfen.
But food can be such a comfort. You just let the sugar and the butter and the spice fill you right up to the brim.
It's the stuff of life!
Gingerbread cookies?
Of course!
Can I borrow you for a second?
Yeah sure
You want a cookie?
Maybe later. (Beat.) You don't think any of this is suspicious?
Any of what?
The magical treats? The angry mob too scared to come in here, the gingerbread dioramas of doom...
Please. She is literally Mama Klaus. A sweet lady who likes Christmas.
Have you seen those things?
Ok, just because you hate the holidays -
This isn't about me hating Christmas.
Fine, whatever you say, Scrooge McVampire.
Seriously?
Fine.
There's plenty more merry where that came from.
[Sigh.]
[Huff]
You two are a lot of help.
Weird, Christmas-hating vampire.
She probably goes around pretending to be Krampus and telling kids Santa died in their chimneys.
Um...guys?
How many of these have you eaten?
A truly alarming quantity.
I think I'd like to stop now. I'm starting to feel like I'm made of cookies.
Ohhhh crap.
Why aren't you eating dear? It's Christmastime. Indulge yourself.
Um I'm just so worried about my sugar intake, what with heart-health diabetes and ...
No need to worry about those things, my little Lebkuchen. My little Weinachten snack.
Yeah...Just so we're clear. You totally turn people into gingerbread and eat them, don't you?
[Laura avoids Mama's swipe]
It's been so long since Mama's had a Christmas Feast!
I'll roast you like those bastard reindeer!
Haha. Yep. Okay. CARMILLA?
Oh, really? Because I wouldn't want to ruin your holiday fun...
Evil Christmas lady trying to eat me here!
you know, with all of my inappropriate mayor biting and talk about murdering people for Christmas -
MURDER HER FOR CHRISTMAS!!
[Resigned Sigh]
[GRUESOME DISMEMBERING SOUNDS AND SCREECHES]
[computer glitch]
So, I am pleased to announce that we survived our trial by cannibalistic Christmas witch.
And watching Carmilla disembowel said witch seems to have scared off the mob.
Hey.
Look what I've found.
Oh, I am so never eating gingerbread again.
Oh, you have a little -
something - right there
Ew. [giggles]
Look.
I know I'm not so good with the "feelings" thing...
but
I'm sorry things are so messed up at school.
and
I'm sorry that you're not spending Christmas with your Dad.
Thanks.
As Christmas company goes, you're not so bad yourself.
For a vampire.
Merry Christmas, Carm.