“Chronic Nagging ... nagging ...
nagging ... nagging...”
Many iconic on screen relationships are made up of three characters:
a man, his wife, and her nagging.
The henpecked husband traverses centuries and genres,
but why, after decades of feminism,
is the nagging wife a character we still accept?
“Ronnie's wife keeps her social calendar
where she keeps his balls... in her purse.”
The “nag” in film and TV has some common patterns:
She’s often with a guy who’s kind of mediocre —
not as driven or smart or organized as she is.
“Aren't’ you tired of letting people
push you around?”
“Yes.”
“Then get in there and do it!”
She might be cast as materialistic,
“This is not just a couch…”
“IT’S JUST
A COUCH!
This isn't life!
This is just stuff.”
and pushing her husband to strive for more success
than he actually wants.
“And then tomorrow,”
“Yeah?”
“You can start taking domestic science classes!”
She’s frequently unfaithful,
“Buddy, this is my…”
“Her husband”
or painted as generally having bad values .
She’s typically middle-aged or older,
not framed as especially appealing.
She’s not afraid to raise her voice.
“There are times when you seem to yell for no reason.
And even if what she asks of her partner
is actually pretty reasonable, her tone or the incessantness
of her demands is played as insufferably annoying.
“He is a lazy freeloader, and it's time for all this
dysfunction to stop.”
“Patty, come on, I'm on this.”
“Oh, you're on this? You're on this?
He's walking all over you.”
Thus she can serve as a kind of emotional “scapegoat”
allowing viewers to excuse her male partner’s
blatantly irresponsible behavior.
“When did you become so… joyless?”
Increasingly, stories from the nag’s perspective
explore how she’s often an overstretched wife and mom
juggling a lot and carrying an intense mental load,
while feeling let down by a partner who’s not committing
the same effort or showing her due respect.
“You don’t like me. I can feel that.”
Here’s our Take on where “the nag” comes from,
what we learn from hearing her side,
and why it’s time to finally write her out of the story.
“Don't forget your Rogaine.”
“Rogaine, check.”
“And don't forget to use it. I can totally tell when you forget,
your hair just looks thinner.”
“Jeff, wives don't nag anymore, they discuss.”
The shrew character has cropped up in stories
for millennia; she even appears in the Bible,
in Proverbs 21.9,
“It is better to live in a corner of the housetop
than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.”
Perhaps her best known historic appearance
is in Shakespeare’s comedy The Taming of the Shrew,
whose plot centers on the attempt to break in an unruly wife
and putting an end to her quarrelsome ways.
“I’ll tame you!”
“Ohh!”
I’ll tame you!”
At the time Shakespeare was writing,
the stock ‘shrew’ character was often conflated with a witch.
Historian Louise Jackson writes that some women
punished for witchcraft were also condemned as ‘scolds’;
she documents one who was persecuted for witchcraft
because (quote),
“Instead of fulfilling the expected role of
a ‘good’ wife and mother, she had been cursing
and shouting at her husband and children.”
In the 1950s and 60s, as white-collar work overtook
blue-collar employment for the first time in US history,
the American domestic ideal became the “company man”
with his picture-perfect housewife keeping everything running behind him.
“Besides getting the handsome prince,
are you an actress or something?”
“No, I’m a housewife.”
Mad Men’s Betty Draper shows us the effort involved
in trying to meet this ideal.
“He has to go right upstairs and have complete quiet for a while;
he works so hard.”
Rather than nagging when she’s unhappy,
she makes terse statements through gritted teeth —
“Daddy got me a doggy!”
“I don’t even know what to say.”
even when she knows t hat her own workload is increasing
due to Don’s decisions.
Ultimately, Betty’s holding back from pestering Don
doesn’t create a happy environment or prevent their eventual divorce.
It’s only after they’re separated that she allows herself to become
the nagging ex-wife, explicitly voicing discontent,
“I knew you would forget...
You get out of every opportunity to see them.”
and thanks to this more open communication
their divorced relationship at least feels more equal.
Countering the housewife ideal, starting in the 1960s
second-wave feminism also gained momentum,
with women becoming increasingly empowered
in and outside of the home.
“I’m the person you need to impress right now.”
As a result, this era is where the nag
really emerges in earnest; she’s a symbol that exists
to put women back in their place.
“The name is Betty, your wife!
Oh you must remember. You know with the meals,
washing, keeping the house clean.”
According to film lecturer Laraine Porter,
the blueprint for the sitcom dynamic of the nagging wife
and mediocre husband emerged in the 1960s,
with British shows like George and Mildred,
the tale of an unhappy middle aged couple —
a hapless husband and his wife who wants more.
“This is all I’ve gotta show for twenty odd years of married life;
useless rubbish.”
“Well you’ve got me, Mildred.”
“Useless rubbish.”
The theme of the nag just wanting money
from her husband appears in the 1960
Twilight Zone episode A Stop at Willoughby,
where disillusioned company man Gart Williams
longs for a simpler life.
“Some people aren’t built for competition, Janie.
Or big pretentious houses they can’t afford.”
But his materialistic nag wife, Jane,
has pushed him into a career he hates
so that she can maintain the lifestyle she likes.
“My miserable tragic error, to get married to a man
who’s big dream in life is to be Huckleberry Finn.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
As Porter observes, the nag in series like
George and Mildred tended to be middle aged
and/or sexless — a mirror to her
increasingly impotent husband, and maybe even to blame
for his failings in the bedroom
(an insecurity that some women carry into the present day .)
For decades to follow, sitcoms about average families
would include the stock character of the nagging wife and mother,
“Maybe if I use my least nagging tone of voice.
Homer… mmm
Homer…
that’s it, that’s the one.
Alright, send him on in.”
while her relatable “regular guy” husband
became more sympathetic thanks to her giving him a hard time.
“You know I gave up some stuff when we had kids.”
“I know... did it have to be sex?”
Simultaneously, the nag trope was used against women
in the political sphere.
Analyzing the backlash to a feminist debate series
on 1970s TV,
feminist academic Jilly Kay wrote of the nagging wife trope being,
“insidiously mobilised to discredit women’s political speech,”
especially if a woman’s tone is perceived as
“angry, complaining, ‘nagging’ or ‘rude.’”
Film and TV have likewise long treated the “feminist” character
as a comedic nag, reducing her advocacy
for women’s rights to an annoying character flaw.
“Haven't you ever heard of the Women's Movement?”
“Well, sure.
Put on something cute and move it into the kitchen.”
To this day, variations on the nag trope
are used to undermine women in business and politics.
“And Hilary, who’s become very shrill,
do you know the word shrill?”
More dramatic portrayals of the nag
have continued to paint her as materialistic,
shallow or lacking humanity.
2000s Oscar Best Picture winner American Beauty
resonated with audiences through its story of a dissatisfied man
who broke away from the oppressive influence
of his consumerist nag wife by fantasizing about a teen girl.
“Lester, you're gonna spill beer on the couch.”
“This is a $4,000 sofa upholstered in Italian silk!”
Many nagging wife narratives present her as a kind of mastermind:
running a tight ship and cracking the whip
on her husband or sons — making them feel small,
or forcing them to strive for something that is beyond them.
In reality, though, it’s men who have historically
held most of the power in marriages.
So the wife’s nagging is actually an expression of her powerlessness.
Since she can’t actually control her family’s destiny in actions,
she uses words to vent her frustration
and at least attempt to push her husband to do what
she deems necessary.
“I say it’s all your father’s fault. He would not do his duty and call,
so you shall all die old maids.”
Tony’s mother Livia on The Sopranos
truly is insufferable in her nagging.
“Remember Artie Bucco?
“I still see his mother. She tells me…
he calls her every day.”
She seems to have borderline personality disorder,
but a key source of her personality problems
is also that
(as a woman who wasn’t suited to a domestic role)
she felt unsatisfied and desired power of her own.
“Everybody thought Dad was the ruthless one,
but I gotta hand it to ya.
If you’d been born after those feminists,
you would’ve been the real gangster.”
It’s also important to notice how casting the woman
as a nag is often a tool to intentionally
discredit a woman.
“Is it me or are the gals never happy?”
“Not when the gals are only making 56%
of what the men make”
“So you won't be happy till you make 100%
of what men make?”
“Yes!”
As Susan Krauss Whitbourne writes in Psychology Today,
“Women who ask their husbands once, twice, or more
to do what they want receive this pejorative judgment
regardless of whether the request is reasonable or not.
By using the derogatory term “nag,” a man trivializes the woman’s request
and at the same time puts her in her place...
It saves him actually having to do anything
in response to her request...”
“Those are sex offenders. These people live
in our neighborhood.”
“Well I’ll skip their houses when we're trick or treating.
What do you want me to do? Form a posse?
You're so concerned with stuff.”
We see Don use this technique on Betty in Mad Men —
he frequently implies that she’s nagging when
(despite the many valid criticisms she could voice)
she’s not giving him that hard of a time —
like here, when he’s skipping out on their family Thanksgiving.
“So you're not going to see us for four days,
and you're not going to see us now.”
“Betts, right when I walk in the door?”
“I want to rip your f***ing head off
because you're so f***ing stupid!”
The nagging wife is rarely a main character,
but more often a foil or obstacle to a male character.
She’s a stock character in the Manboy story,
which celebrates immature male antics
and thus vilifies any woman who expects the manboy
to behave like a responsible adult.
“You've come a long way since Frank the Tank
and we don't want him coming back, now do we?”
These guys have so much fun living out
the fantasy lives of their youth,
they turn their partners into the mom figure and fun sponge.
“I think in a healthy relationship, sometimes a guy should
be able to do what he wants to do.”
The Hangover may be full of cartoonish criminals,
but it’s Melissa, Stu’s mean and controlling girlfriend,
who’s treated as the most hateable villain.
“It's just boys and their bachelor parties, it's gross.”
If we step back, though, a lot of the time
the nag’s requests are not that crazy.
Melissa acts possessive and anxious
probably because she can sense her boyfriend —
who said he’s going to wine country rather than Vegas —
is not being honest with her.
“I just hope you're not gonna go to some strip club
when you're up there.”
“Melissa, we're going to Napa Valley.
I don't even think they have strip clubs in wine country.”
“Told her we're two hours outside of wine country,
and she bought it.”
Although she’s revealed to have cheated on Stu —
another nod to the nag trope’s bad values —
she’s still within her rights to be angry
when she’s unable to locate him for 48 hours,
“I called that bed and breakfast in Napa.
They said they had no record of you even checking in.”
during which time he’s married a stripper.
“She’s wearing my grandmother’s ring!”
“What?”
A number of prestige-TV’s antihero shows
also contain their version of the “nag wife” stock character.
“The f*** was that for?”
“I’ll write you up a list.”
In 2013, film critic Alison Willmore wrote that,
“Every small screen antihero needs a failed moral compass,
an illicit way of life and a nagging, wet blanket wife.”
“Did you use the MasterCard last month?
15.88 at Staples?”
“Walt, the Mastercard’s the one we don’t use.”
Since many viewers are watching series like
The Sopranos or Breaking Bad for the chaos and vicarious thrill
of the horrible things her husband does,
the wife’s attempts to rein him in or convince him
to act “responsibly” get in the way of that entertainment —
and can even work against the show itself.
“We go to the police…”
“Uh no, I don't want to hear about the police.”
“You are in over your head.”
A similar thing happened on Six Feet Under,
when Lisa became hated by viewers because
(after her pregnancy pushed Nate into becoming
a father and husband)
she put a damper on the free-spirited sex
and chaotic relationship with Brenda
that had defined the show’s early seasons.
Some of these characters receive intense vitriol from audience members
who peg the shrewish wife as a “scapegoat”
for the man’s behavior.
“What I need, is for you
to climb down out of my ass.”
The actress playing Skyler, Anna Gunn,
even received death threats.
This is not in line with the show’s intentions.
As Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan put it about Skyler,
“She’s got a tough job being married to this asshole…
She’s telling him not to be a murderer
and a guy who cooks drugs for kids.
How could you have a problem with that?”
The show even gets a little meta about
the “nag” debates among its fans during the fake phone conversation
where Walt attempts to absolve Skyler of her part
in his meth business through painting her
as the textbook nag.
“You’re always whining and complaining
about how I make my money, just dragging me down
while I do everything.”
Carmela is a lot less of an obstacle to Tony’s crimes
and seems happy enough to reap the rewards
of her situation as a mafia wife,
but she does nag her husband to share his finances with her
and take care of the family in a more above-board way.
“I am through trying to get you to provide
beyond the minimum I need to live.”
In many ways, she’s a consumerist housewife
in the “materialistic nag” tradition — but with
unprecedented depth and nuance.
“He’s a good man, he’s a good father.”
“You tell me he’s a depressed criminal.”
“Is that your definition of a good man?”
Ultimately, while some of these shows do deserve credit
for attempting to show “nag wife” characters
with complexity, empathy and realism,
“Since we’re alone it would be nice to
have dinner together.”
“Alright, don’t bust my chops Carmela,
I got a lot on my mind.”
the culture receiving the shows was not quite ready
to stop blaming these women for their husband’s inadequacies.
Beginning in the 2010s, we started to see more portrayals
of how being cast as the nag affects women.
“She’s always so tired, and she’s always making
lists of things for me to do.”
“Maybe if you did them, she wouldn’t be so tired.”
“I wanna go back to these alleged lists
and your nagging wife.”
Modern Family insightfully deconstructs the old-school dynamic
of the mediocre husband and hypercompetent “nag” wife
and mother.
When Julie Bowen’s Claire overcompensates and tries
to take back the “fun parent” role from her husband Phil,
the show breaks down why Claire can’t be a fun mom
most of the time: she is carrying an
enormous mental load and stuck being sensible.
“I don’t like being you.”
“Ohh, nobody does.”
In 2007’s Knocked Up, we’re introduced to
Leslie Mann’s Debbie, the foil to her laid-back,
life-of-the-party husband Pete,
“So I’m the bad guy because I’m trying to protect our kids
from child molesters and mercury, and you’re cool,
cause you don’t give a shit?”
“Yeah.”
but by 2012, in the sort-of-sequel This is 40,
we’re shown much more of how their relationship looks
from Debbie’s perspective.
“It hurts me inside, and triggers me,
when you’re such a dishonest shit
that you’re lending your father money without telling me,
while your record company is going bankrupt
and we’re on the verge of losing our f***ing house!”
The 2012 novel and 2014 film, Gone Girl
explores how being unfairly cast as the nag can trigger
an extreme revolt from a wife.
“I don't get why you're daring me to be someone
I don't wanna be.
The nagging shrew. The controlling bitch.”
And following on this legacy, 2021’s Kevin Can F*** Himself
sends up the sitcom formula of the mediocre husband
and nag wife by alternating between
a classic sitcom set-up,
“That doesn’t mean you get to be moody
you already used that excuse once this month.”
and a single-camera drama that explores her dissatisfaction.
“The account’s empty.”
“She just wasted the last ten years of her life on this terrible marriage.”
Since 2015, Fresh Off the Boat has explored the cultural layers
to being a “nag wife-and-mom” as an immigrant and an Asian-American.
The comedic portrayal of Jessica is somewhat controversial
for leaning into the stereotype of the “Tiger Mom,”
“I’ve mapped out all the classes and experiences you boys need
to be successful, and lead good lives.”
but it also explores the cultural factors
behind Jessica’s behavior, enjoys her personality
(which is more dominant and empowered than
the old-school nag)
and doesn’t really suggest that she ought to be
any less domineering.
“No one seems to appreciate how I’m good at everything I do.”
Laura Linney’s Wendy in Ozark updates the “nag wife”
for the antihero genre, too.
After being introduced with the hallmarks of this trope
(as the materialistic wife who’s having the affair),
“I was unhappy, you’re not exactly
blameless in this.”
she eventually surpasses her husband,
becoming the criminal mastermind
the nag wife is often falsely described as.
“You’re not just involved with the cartel.
You are the cartel.”
In Atypical, Jennifer Jason Leigh’s
mother of two, Elsa, is overzealous in micromanaging
her family’s lives,
“That's what you're wearing? That sweatshirt?”
and again ends up having an affair,
but we see how raising a son with high-functioning autism
has understandably shaped her protective parenting style.
“I am great when I’m needed. Not quite so good when I’m not needed.”
In all of these examples, the nag is not
the unreasonable character; what is unreasonable
is the framing of a woman with legitimate concerns
as a nag to discredit her.
“What's the laptop for?”
“Lap top-ing.”
"You are spending a lot.”
“You don't trust me. You don't trust my judgement.
You certainly don't trust my intention.”
While showing things from the nag’s perspective
is important, in order to change
the narrative entirely we need to change
the way we live.
Studies reveal that — no matter how successful
they are at work, women continue to take on
the lion’s share of the housework, childcare and mental load
for their families.
“The so-called household chores, the traditional roles,
have not really changed.”
We need to see better representations of couples
who split the domestic labor, and husbands who put effort
into making their partners’ contributions feel valued.
The mutual respect that comes out of that may just
be enough to send the nag packing.
“I love you Marge.
And I realize now I should show you more often.”