NOW, FOLKS, YOU KNOW I SPEND A LOT OF TIME
OVER THERE HARVESTING THE JUICIEST NEWS FRUIT TO MAKE YOU
THE BEAUTIFUL EDIBLE ARRANGEMENTS BOUQUET THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO TAKE THE LEFTOVER CANTALOUPE AND
HONEY DEW RINDS OF NEWS, TOSS THEM OUT BACK WITH SOME EGG
SHELLS, AVOCADO SKINS, COFFEE GROUNDS, AND GRASS CLIPPINGS,
THEN WATCH AS THERMOPHILIC BACTERIA MAKE THE PILE FESTER
INTO THE WARM COMPOST HEAP THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU ALWAYS LEARN SOMETHING!
MEANWHILE, YOU ALWAYS LEARN SOMETHING WITH ME, AND THE
PEOPLE KNOW IT.
MEANWHILE, BAD NEWS FOR NETFLIX: IN THE LAST QUARTER, THE
STREAMING SERVICE "LOST SUBSCRIBERS IN THE U.S. FOR THE
FIRST TIME SINCE LAUNCHING ITS STREAMING SERVICE," WHICH
CAUSED THEIR STOCK TO LOSE "MORE THAN $24 BILLION IN VALUE IN SIX
DAYS."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YEAH.
TRADITIONALLY, LOSING THAT MUCH MONEY TAKES LONGER, BUT WALL
STREET DECIDED TO BINGE.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, THE MEATLESS MEAT
CRAZE IS SWEEPING THE NATION, AND IT'S ABOUT TO BREACH THE
FINAL FRONTIER, BECAUSE PLANT-BASED MEAT COMPANY "BEYOND
MEAT IS DEVELOPING MEATLESS BACON."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) BACON THAT DOESN'T HAVE MEAT?
WHAT'S NEXT, HOT DOGS THAT DO HAVE MEAT?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, THE RECENTLY BANKRUPT "TOYS'R'US IS COMING BACK, BUT
WITH A DIFFERENT APPROACH."
"NEW LOCATIONS WILL BE SMALLER, AND THE PRESENTATION WILL BE FAR
MORE EXPERIENTIAL AND INTERACTIVE."
AND IN A NOD TO THE FINANCIAL DEMISE THEY JUST RETURNED FROM,
THE FLAGSHIP STORE WILL FEATURE JEFFREY THE GIRAFFE LYING IN
STATE.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Jon: OH, MAN!
OH!
>> Stephen: HEY...
>> Jon: HEY.
>> Stephen: HEY...
>> Jon: OH, OH...
>> Stephen: HE SAID HE DIDN'T WANT TO GROW UP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
MY STAFF AND I HAD A DEBATE ABOUT WHETHER I SHOULD DO THAT
JOKE.
I'M NOT SURE WHO JUST WON.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP...
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, "AN AMAZON DELIVERY
DRIVER WAS CAUGHT POOPING IN A CUSTOMER'S GARDEN."
UGH, I HATE IT WHEN THEY DON'T LEAVE THE DELIVERY AT THE DOOR.
( LAUGHTER ) NO ONE TOLD ME NOT TO DO THAT
JOKE.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, SUPREME COURT JUSTICE
RUTH BADER GINSBURG CONTINUES TO --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) -- CONTINUES TO BE BECOME
SMALLER AND MORE CONCENTRATED.
( LAUGHTER ) IN AN INTERVIEW THIS WEEK, SHE
TOOK A MOMENT TO LAUGH IN THE FACE OF ONE OF HER CRITICS:
>> THERE WAS A SENATOR, I THINK IT WAS AFTER MY PANCREATIC
CANCER, WHO ANNOUNCED WITH GREAT GLEE THAT I WAS GOING TO BE DEAD
WITHIN SIX MONTHS.
THAT SENATOR, WHOSE NAME I HAVE FORGOTTEN, IS NOW HIMSELF DEAD
( LAUGHTER ) AND I AM VERY MUCH ALIVE.
>> Stephen: WOW!
WOW!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT WAS RUTH-LESS!
( LAUGHTER ) NOW WE KNOW WHY SHE WORKS OUT SO
MUCH.
SO SHE CAN DANCE ON YOUR GRAVES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, PABST BLUE RIBBON IS INTRODUCING A NEW COFFEE-BEER
HYBRID THAT THEY'RE CALLING "HARD COFFEE."
( LAUGHTER ) PUTTING ALCOHOL IN YOUR COFFEE?
IF H.R. IS LISTENING, THAT'S THE FIRST I'VE EVER HEARD OF SUCH A
THING.
( LAUGHTER ) MMM.
OOOH, SMOOTH.
SMOOTH.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, WHY DO THIS?
ACCORDING TO THE PEOPLE OVER AT P.B.R., "PABST BLUE RIBBON HAS
ALWAYS BEEN A BRAND THAT PUSHES BOUNDARIES AND CELEBRATES THOSE
WHO EXPERIMENT AND TRY NEW THINGS."
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS NEW.
PEOPLE HAVE BEEN VOMITING FOR CENTURIES.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, SOME FOOTAGE WENT
VIRAL TODAY FROM DENVER, COLORADO, WHERE A "BEAR TRIED TO
STEAL AN ENTIRE DUMPSTER FROM A MARIJUANA DISPENSARY."
( LAUGHTER ) WHICH IS THE MOST DENVER THING I
HAVE EVER SAID.
TAKE A LOOK AT THE BEAR-IJUANA THIEF IN ACTION.
THERE HE IS CHECKING OUT THE DUMPSTER...
AND THERE HE GOES...
OUT THE DOOR!
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW WHAT?
MAYBE HE'S NOT STEALING IT.
HE'S LIKE, "GUYS, IT'S TUESDAY NIGHT.
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE AT THE CURB."
( LAUGHTER ) BY THE WAY, WORKERS AT THE WEED
STORE SEE THE BEAR SO REGULARLY, THEY'VE NICKNAMED IT
"CHEESEBURGER."
( LAUGHTER ) THOUGH I'M PRETTY SURE WORKERS
IN A WEED STORE NICKNAME EVERYTHING CHEESEBURGER.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK