I had fear like my whole life.
I've always just been followed
with fear and then when I was 18
is when I started comedy.
I started stand-up comedy about 12
years ago.
And I had no fear of it not working
out because I just loved it so much.
And that's when I realized that love
overcomes fear all day, every day.
And then I got married,
and I realized that sometimes love
and fear kind of go together.
(audience laughing)
And listen, I love my wife.
She's my best friend.
It's not that.
I'm afraid of something
that you husbands have never told
me.
Round of applause if you're married.
(audience applauding)
Great.
Great, all of you
married people, husbands,
I am mad at you because you did not
tell me something that I wish
somebody would have told me.
Round of applause if you're not
married.
Who's not married?
(audience applauding)
All right.
Good.
Many couples.
OK.
So this is awkward for you.
I'm going to tell you something
I wish they would have told me,
which is this,
I'm going to lock eyes with you,
sir.
Here it is.
When you get married,
you are responsible to keep
everybody in your family alive.
Everyone, your wife, keep her alive.
Your kids keep them alive, animals
alive.
Don't even think about a goldfish.
Do you know how hard it is to give
CPR to a goldfish named Nemo?
It's difficult, which is exactly why
my dad was always so stressed out
because he had my mom and four kids.
And he would constantly shout things
like, "don't stick your head
"out the car window, don't jump out
"the stairs.
"Don't put your finger
"in the light socket."
And that was all just to my mom.
(audience laughing)
Pretty scary stuff.
And now we've been married three
years.
So I learn to laugh more than I do.
Just be afraid of things.
And my wife, her and I are best
friends.
She's my co-writer.
We just have a blast together.
But my single friends don't believe
it.
My single friends are always like,
"come on, you guys are going to argue
"all the time."
And no.
We've only had really two fights so
far.
One was because one of us
said that Star Trek was
a terrible show.
And she was wrong.
(audience laughing)
And the second fight
was over a romantic comedy, which
is the enemy to all men.
You cannot compare yourself to a man
in the movie because he has music.
(audience laughing)
In a romantic comedy
a man can end an argument with one
sentence.
You could just be like, I'm
so sorry, you're mad at me.
But I didn't realize how beautiful
you are.
That doesn't even make sense.
In real life, a man can't end
an argument that way.
Half the time, a man doesn't even
know when he's in an argument.
He's like, "Oh, are you mad at me
"or something?
(audience laughing)
"We haven't talked in weeks.
(audience laughing)
"I can't tell if we're in a fight
"or if my wish came true."
(audience laughing)
So we were-- when it was
over this movie called
Monster-in-Law.
Anybody who has seen
Monster-in-Law?
No?
None of you?
You've seen it?
No?
You Haven't.
No one of you have seen it?
OK, great.
Here's the deal.
You are not missing out.
(audience laughing)
I'll give you a quick synopsis, OK.
Jennifer Lopez.
That's all you need to know.
It's not worth the watch.
There's a scene in the movie where
Jenny from the block
is walking some dogs.
And while she's doing it, this guy
goes out to ask her out on a date.
And she goes, you know what?
You don't know anything about me.
You don't even know the color
of my eyes.
Just turns away just like that.
And makes him answer.
Now this is the answer you have
to imagine romantic music behind it
because he goes, "well, at first,
"I thought your eyes were brown.
"But then I realized that they're
"green.
"And then when the sun sets,
"it's almost auburn."
Hold up.
This man doesn't know.
He has no idea what color
her eyes are.
He listed three different colors.
But it sounds romantic
because there's music
and she's turned away so she can't
see him throw away his man card.
(audience laughing)
And it's
very lovey-dovey in the movie
in the living room, my wife, then
girlfriend, it's important to know
we're not married yet so that you're
on my side.
(audience laughing)
She looks at me, and she goes,
"What color are my eyes?"
(audience laughing)
There's a couple of things I think
you need to know about me,
number one I am colorblind.
(audience laughing)
Actually, I'm not,
but that's totally what I told her.
(audience laughing)
And number two, I am bad at tests,
like really bad a test.
I once got a D
on a history exam that I cheated on.
OK.
My parents weren't even upset.
They were just disappointed in me.
They were like, "how did you do-- you
"have the answers on your hand."
I'm sorry, I was nervous.
I didn't know.
So I got nervous when she asked me
what color are my eyes?
Her eyes were closed.
And this was my answer.
Imagine a beautiful, romantic music
as well.
And I said,
brown.
no, not Brown.
Brown.
No, I just said Brown.
Yellow, no, that's no.
That's not right.
It can't be yellow.
Well, your eyes are red right now.
I'll tell you that.