"Sup, fellow straight men, and welcome back to another episode of...
*beep*
-tober
(music)
For years, women have had an entire season of DIYs and
tutorials dedicated to their wants and needs. But what about us
There's not a single season with tutorial out there on the entire internet carefully crafted to our straight male wants and needs.
And if it's got a female in the thumbnail or a title that doesn't explicitly state that it's for straight men,
you know what? You might as well not even exist.
In my quest to find a Fall themed DIY
specifically for straight men, I started thinking.
What do all men secretly like?
Fall." {who would've guessed}
"And what do all men secretly have?
Hemorrhoids." {don't ask, kids}
{prepare for quite the list here}
"Start with the most important ingredient,
and that's the hemorrhoid cream.
It can be generic, it can be name brand- whatever feels best on your hole." {Anthony, why?}
*stares at cream passionately*
"In order for us to mix these together, we're going to put this into this little container.
Squeeze out the entire cream."
*moans* {Anthony, stop.}
"Important to use the entire tube.
And of course it's not pumpkin spice without...
pumpkin. Yeah.
It's surprisingly the key ingredient in pumpkin spice.
And it's very, very, important for you to use organic." {importance emphasized by face zooming}
"Let's just say the other stuff causes some problems." {TMI, Anthony}
"So you just pry this side right open."
(can lid opening) "Eewww.
Ooh, boy, smells great. It reminds me of being three years old again."
"Yes, that's how old."
"You just plop some of that right in there with the cream.
We're gonna start with some ground-up ginger,
and I'm gonna use 1/4th teaspoon. Then you add 1/8th of a teaspoon of allspice.
Technically you're supposed to use ground cloves, but just gonna use a few whole ones.
Now, it's time for the nutmeg and you could use some ground nutmeg, but I highly prefer
fresh ground nutmeg." {oh, fancy}
"I have this really cute thing that I got from my great-great-grandmother's collection." {collection of what? Cheese grates?}
(music plays as Anthony gets high on ground nutmeg)
"My little secret is: I like to stir everything with a cinnamon stick. Oh, that's good."
*inhales*
"This is gonna feel really," *voice deepens* "really, nice.
This makes a really, really, great addition to anyone's Fall
accessories, because there's nothing worse than being in the middle of playing in some autumn leaves
on a foggy morning, having to apply some
regular old hemorrhoid cream." {Anthony is struggling on a very different level from the rest of us}
"You might be saying, 'What? Anthony, all straight guys have hemorrhoids? That can't be true.'
Yes, they do I dare you to go ask one." {please don't} "9 times out of 10
They'll say: 'Yes.'
and if they say no, they're lying.
Then simply cut off the back
end. And you take your cinnamon stick,
and you just slowly start scraping it in. This part does take a little bit of extra time,
but it's worth it, because now you have a handy little container. It's travel size, you can carry it in your bag,
or a fanny pack. And just use a cinnamon stick to just, uh-
A really handy thing to do with any excess, is to put little globs in a ziplock baggies, hand it out to trick-or-treaters." {definite no, please dear lord, do not listen to this man}
"And if you have any spare clothes pins hanging around you could put that right on the back end.
(nasty squish)
And there you can see exactly how it looks. Oh, that's just perfect."
*Anthony tastes the hemorrhoid cream because he's smart*
"My biggest piece of advice would be to go ahead and put the applicator that comes
with the package, and you can see it comes out kind of like a like play-doh spaghetti.
That's exactly what you want. Job well done.
Okay, quick update. I am out here trying to enjoy the beautiful Fall weather and wouldn't you know, I'm in some dire need of
hemorrhoid cream." {Jesus no}
"But luckily, I brought my pumpkin spice hemorrhoid cream that I made just a few days ago.
So I'm just gonna apply a little bit right now."
{make it stop.}
{I need to bleach my eyes}
"This is such a compliment to this vibe
I got going right now. So there you have it; a very simple, easy to use pumpkin spice hemorrhoid cream.
Miel- Can I actually use some of that, please?
A -Why?
M -Because I have a hemorrhoid.
A -No, girls don't get hemorrhoids. It's only straight guys.
M -No, literally everyone gets hemorrhoids, I made a whole vine about it.