- This first song is about love.
♪ I learned too much about you ♪
♪ Too soon because I couldn't wait ♪
♪ Yes I internet stalked you ♪
♪ To the point that we can no longer date. ♪
(laughter)
♪ 'Cause I know your mother's name and your father's name ♪
♪ And your sister's name and your cousin's husband's name ♪
(laughter)
♪ I know that your uncle recently passed away ♪
And I'm so sorry about that, babe.
(laughter)
♪ I know every girl that you've ever dated ♪
♪ And the exact day you stopped being happy ♪
Your posture changed.
♪ I know that you and your friends hike a lot ♪
It's too much, we'll change that.
♪ Seen every photo tagged of you ♪
♪ on the entire internet ♪
♪ I know your major in college ♪
♪ Your Spanish is polished ♪
♪ And you own approximately five shirts ♪
♪ The police are outside my door ♪
♪ And I'm clutching your hair doll I made on the floor ♪
♪ If they ever tell people how often other people ♪
♪ Look at their profiles I will kill myself ♪
(laughter)
♪ So goodbye ♪
♪ lover I stalk ♪
(cheers and applause)
I've been getting stressed you know,
like watching the news and stuff.
I'm against global warming, you know,
just something about me.
(laughter)
And I wrote this little ditty for myself
to calm myself down when I'm getting too anxious.
It goes,
♪ 'Cause everyone hates our generation ♪
♪ And we're all going to die ♪
(laughter and applause)
No, I don't hold a lot of beliefs, just sort of in general,
but I do believe this.
♪ Everyone should be my exact same age ♪
♪ No older, no younger ♪
(laughter)
♪ Everyone is perfect in their own way ♪
♪ But younger people are bad ♪
(laughter)
♪ Yes, even slightly younger people are bad ♪
♪ Everyone should be my exact same age ♪
♪ No smarter, no dumber ♪
♪ Everyone should be born on the same day ♪
♪ And they should have the same mother ♪
(laughter)
♪ They should all be named Marcia ♪
♪ And they should look exactly like me ♪
(laughter)
♪ Everyone should be me ♪
(laughter)
Yeah!
Come on.
(laughter)
Whoo!
(laughter)
♪ When people don't understand my references ♪
♪ I freak out, I lose control ♪
♪ When you told me you were 22 ♪
♪ I remembered that time forgets us all ♪
(laughter)
Whoo!
(laughter)
♪ Everyone should be my exact same age ♪
♪ And no more successful ♪
(laughter)
♪ Your success actually does mean less for me ♪
♪ And that's disrespectful ♪
♪ Everyone just relax ♪
♪ And give your success to me ♪
(laughter)
♪ Everyone just be me ♪
♪ You make me remember that I'm gonna die ♪
♪ And that people will move on faster than I would like ♪
Yeah!
(laughter)
Come on!
(laughter)
All right, everyone.
♪ Everyone should be my exact same age ♪
♪ Look under you chairs there's a pill ♪
♪ that I want you to take ♪
(laughter)
♪ Everyone should be my exact same age ♪
♪ Everyone should be ♪
(voice squeaks) I'm sorry.
(laughter)
♪ Me ♪
(cheers and applause)
Thank you.
You know.
I'm always so scared I'm not gonna hit that last note,
but I always do, I always do.
(laughter)
This last song is the story about
the first American woman to ever go to space, Sally Ride.
♪ Remember when NASA sent a woman to space ♪
♪ for only six days ♪
♪ And they gave her 100 tampons ♪
(laughter)
♪ 100 tampons ♪
(laughter)
♪ And they asked, "Will that be enough?" ♪
(laughter)
♪ 'Cause they didn't know if that was enough ♪
♪ These are our nation's greatest minds ♪
♪ They are literally rocket scientists ♪
(laughter)
♪ They also tied the tampons together ♪
♪ By the strings like sausages ♪
(laughter)
♪ 100 tampons ♪
♪ A hundred tampons ♪
♪ I can picture it now ♪
Come with me.
(laughter)
♪ I'm Sally Ride and I'm going to space for the first time ♪
♪ I'm walking tall, I feel so proud ♪
♪ Then I see a man running panicked through the crowd ♪
(laughter)
♪ He's holding a large bag ♪
♪ I think, "What can this be?" ♪
♪ And then he hands 100 tampons to me ♪
♪ For one week ♪
(laughter)
♪ They could have asked me ♪
♪ I would have said, "Maybe 33." ♪
(laughter)
♪ 'Cause even if it were my period week ♪
♪ I probably already brought some with me ♪
(laughter)
But you know,
thanks I guess
(laughter)
♪ 100 tampons, how does she use a tampon ♪
♪ when they tie the strings together ♪
(laughter)
♪ 100 tampons ♪
Don't hate me.
♪ 525,600 tampons ♪
Everybody.
♪ 525,000 ♪
♪ tampons in space ♪
(laughter)