-Well rested and ready to go.
It's so good to see everybody. I am in a good mood.
Last Saturday was the Creative Arts Emmys
in Los Angeles, California,
where "Corrections" was nominated.
You guys want to see an Emmy?
Do you?
Me too.
[ Laughter ]
Me too.
Can give you the name of a couple of late night hosts
who have plenty at their house.
[ Laughter ]
Me and Shoemaker went, and...
Suffice it to say, Mikey the Shoe don't like L.A.
[ Laughter ]
He lands in a bad mood.
Complains the whole time.
Says stuff like,
"If I wanted green juice,
I'll drink it from a jar of Claussens."
[ Laughter ]
So, it's like...
It starts bad and it just gets worse
because we...
Donna from Wardrobe...
We decided sort of last minute to go,
and we were off all month, and our tuxes were here.
And so we wrote Donna from Wardrobe,
who very kindly put together a box,
a garment box, and sent it to us at our hotel.
So anyway, I'm getting ready for the Emmys,
and Mikey the Shoe calls up and he goes,
"I think she sent two of your shirts."
And he goes... How'd you say it?
"Mine don't fit so good"?
[ Laughter ]
So he comes up to my room, and I'm like...
Based on the fit,
I don't think it was one of my shirts.
It was maybe one of Frisbee's shirts.
It was not even close, and he's going like,
"Maybe I'll wear it backwards like a smock."
I'm like, "What?"
[ Laughter ]
So he goes, "I got one."
"Don't worry, I got one in my room, but it's blue."
So, we go to the Emmys
and Mikey the Shoe is in a tuxedo
with just a blue shirt,
which he keeps saying is "Bronx formal."
[ Laughter ]
"If it's good enough for Danny Aiello..."
[ Laughter ]
Anyway.
Look, I know they voted ahead of time and it had been decided
that we had not won when we showed up.
But I think if they'd seen Mikey the Shoe
and his blue shirt, if we were the winner,
they would have just crossed it off.
[ Laughter ]
Eminem was a big winner that night.
The Super Bowl halftime show, deservedly --
was fantastic -- won an Emmy.
And we mentioned that in a monologue this week
that with the Emmy that Eminem won,
he now only needs a Tony for the EGOT.
We joked that you should keep an eye out for him
in "Dear Evan Hansen."
Now, more than one Broadway aficionado amongst you
pointed out that show is no longer Tony-eligible.
So, in order for Eminem to win a Tony for that show,
he would either have to be in a revival
or -- bear with me -- a new show called
"Dear Evan, Stan's Son."
[ Laughter ]
Here's the idea.
It's an alternate take on the Stan saga where Stan dies
but his girlfriend lives and then has the baby.
And she names the baby Evan. And it's a story about Eminem
befriending young Evan because he feels bad
that he never wrote back his now-dead dad.
I don't have time to write this.
That's an idea for whoever wants it.
I am so behind the eight ball in "Cicada, Cicada" right now.
It's going way too slowly, and I'm racing against the clock
because if the Mets win the World Series this year,
I'm [bleep] 'cause that is my whole third act.
[ Laughter ]
And if you're surprised that it's a three-act play,
it's actually four.
[ Laughter ]
But the fourth act is just a Q&A.
With pre-vetted questions.
We also mentioned a news story about images of the Titanic.
The highest resolution photos ever
were taken of the Titanic wreckage.
And we said, but now the bad news --
no survivors.
And you guys, a bunch you said
there were, of course, survivors from the Titanic.
We knew that.
Our joke was based on the fact
that you'd go down there now and find a survivor.
Which brings up an interesting ethical question.
If you did find one,
let's say a 110-year-old person who somehow, I don't know,
there's an air pocket in the... galley?
Boat kitchen.
And, or maybe the saltwater has helped preserve them,
but they're, you know, a robust, happy,
I don't know, 110-year-old person.
Do you bring them up?
Or at this point, would it just be too jarring?
I don't know.
Speaking of the ocean...
Oh, son of a gun, I...
We'll save that one.
[ Laughter ]
Shoemaker, next week during "Corrections,"
just yell out "speaking of the ocean."
[ Laughter ]
I quoted a Bob Dylan lyric in our last "Corrections"
as his famous song, "It's Not Me, Lady."
A bunch of you,
the ones who recognize jokes the best,
said the line is actually, "It ain't me, babe."
[ Under breath ] Come away from my window...
Leave at your own chosen speed, I'm not the one you want, babe,
I'm not the one you need...
You say you're looking for someone
who's never weak and always strong,
support you and protect you whether you're right or wrong,
someone to open each and every door...
[ Louder] It's not me, lady. No, I was right.
That, of course, is a great song off the classic album
"Bob Dylan, But This Time From the Left."
[ Laughter ]
I said Rudy married his second cousin,
but then I referenced the daughter of his first cousin.
The daughter of his first cousin would be his first cousin
once removed.
A lot of you were very,
very passionate about that correction in a way
that makes me think it's something you've angrily yelled
at a skeptical justice of the peace.
[ Laughter ]
"I'm not saying it's right! I'm saying it's legal!"
[ Laughter ]
Second cousins is when your parents are first cousins.
Second cousin once removed
is when you marry your second cousin and then divorce them.
[ Laughter ]
You guys, we make a lot of fun of Rudy
for the old cousin mix-up.
But you know who married his first cousin?
Albert Einstein.
Albert Einstein. This was courtesy of you guys.
Albert Einstein's second wife was his first cousin.
Their mothers were sisters and their fathers were cousins,
which means they were both first and second cousins.
They never had kids.
Thank God!
[ Laughter ]
Don't need to be a physicist to know
that would have been a bad idea.
We had a month off, a little bit too much time to have off.
I got to be honest, very happy to be back this week.
I think we're all very happy.
It was nice to catch up on stuff.
Shows, movies, books.
There was that, um,
"The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power."
Super succinct title. Classic Tolkien style.
[ Laughter ]
"The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power."
I haven't seen it. I guess it's on Amazon,
but I couldn't watch it, because I'm a 48-year-old man.
[ Laughter ]
Mugs!
So, last time we were here,
I said, the mugs were available online.
And guys, you backed me up.
The mugs were a hit.
The mugs, on the first day, sold out,
I think both due to your enthusiasm
and maybe the doubtful nature of those in the NBC Store
who ordered the first set of mugs.
But this is true. It really did. All jokes aside, it went great.
These are...It was...
It is the best-selling mug on the NBC.com store ever.
That's just a... That's a true thing.
The worst-selling is, uh...
...Chicago Mug.
[ Laughter ]
And I guess they don't even sell the "To Catch a Predator" mug.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it's kind of... This part, I like.
It says, "Why don't you have a seat over there?"
[ Laughter ]
And this... But I'm worried because I guess
this one's available soon, with Keith Morrison
drinking a mug with a picture of Keith Morrison
drinking a mug.
[ Laughter ]
Guys...
These are are the data on the mugs.
We're really excited. It's sold 1,369 units.
Now, you might be thinking "Oh, is a unit just one mug?"
You're right. Yes.
So, that's 1,369 mugs.
But that does not count the physical store.
The physical store has sold 59,
so I should have put that one first.
That's not a big number.
[ Laughter ]
Only 17 complaints about the mug.
Some of you have posted photos on Twitter of a --
Very kind of you.
You've opened up your mugs and they're just shattered.
It does seem like they're in a million pieces.
I don't know. I don't know how that happened.
I do, we do want to replace those mugs.
So just, if you could just send a photo of that,
we do obviously need to know it's you, so just send
a photo of that mug
with your driver's license and your Social Security number
and, uh...
[ Laughter ]
Some of us asked are the mugs dishwasher and microwave safe.
They are. Thank you for asking.
We did a lot of testing to make sure.
That was the -- that was the hold-up.
That's why it took a year, is we wanted to make sure.
The whole, the first, the beta test,
a lot of them were either dish-- they were one or the other,
and you could wash it in the dishwasher
and everything was fine,
but if you put it in the microwave,
just loss of life.
So we lost some good people, a lot of good people,
but you can put it wherever you want,
except a box surrounded by bubble wrap.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, so, I mentioned the Emmys, and...
I...
Look, we didn't win, but had we, I did take it seriously.
I never want to be one of those people who you win an award
and doesn't know what he's going to say.
And I had some things to say about the jackal in my speech.
And I mentioned that to one of our writers, Seth Reiss,
who said, "You should read that speech
in the next 'Corrections.'"
Which is funny because that's what I was going to do,
and now I can't!
[ Laughter ]
Because now if I do, it's also his idea.
[ Laughter ]
And next time I see him, he'll be like,
"Ehh? Pretty good!"
This isn't for you.
[ Laughter ]
Get your hands off it. This is mine.
You don't see me trying to jump on to...
What has he...?
[ Laughter ]
"Actathlon"?
[ Laughter ]
2017's "Actathlon"?
Now, in Reiss' defense,
I want to be sincere for a moment.
He has been very busy.
He wrote a major motion picture.
It's got a trailer and everything.
The trailer looks fantastic. It's called "The Menu."
Ralph Fiennes, Anya Taylor-Joy, Nicholas Hoult,
Hong Chau, Janet McTeer.
Trailer's fantastic.
It is premiering this weekend at TIFF,
the Toronto International Film Festival.
And we are so genuinely so proud of him.
He's a great writer, and it never stops being cool
when people who work here go on and succeed somewhere else.
I should note, he co-wrote it with Will Tracy,
who I haven't met,
but who I assume has the patience of Job.
[ Laughter ]
Will writes for "Succession" and used to write
for "Last Week Tonight," so head on over to his place
if you want to see one of those Emmys.
[ Laughter ]
Reiss is very excited and he said...
It's cool. He left. He went down. He was on set.
He said he got to be really good friends with the cast.
Although I have my doubts,
'cause he keeps saying "Ralph" "Fee-en-ness."
[ Laughter ]
So in the end, Reiss did give me an idea for "Corrections,"
just wasn't the one he wanted. [ Laughs ]
But here's to the premiere,
the TIFF premiere of "The Menu."
We're so excited to see it.
Here's to being back with everyone who watches this.
Cheers to everyone who's got their jackal mug.
And let's have a wonderful fall together.
You will see me next week.