- As I'm smoking I was like, "Wait, this is legal shit"
and then I tweeted.
I said, "Damn, everybody's birthday is this year.
(laughter) - (mumbles)
All right, I was like, "Here, take this."
Do you know what I'm saying?
- But you were right.
- But the weed was wrong.
(R&B music)
- Hello, and welcome to Cooler by the Lake.
- Yeah!
- Yeah.
The show where we talk everything South Side
and ask the important questions
like, Does chance have a "God problem" at this point?
I don't know. (laughter)
- Can't get that hooked on Jesus
(Laughter)
It's a little too much.
- It started out casual, and then it became all the time.
(laughter)
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm your host Will Miles
- And I'm Langston Kerman
and today, we're joined by two very special guests,
Chandra Russell and Ed Williams III
from South Side.
Give it up for them - Yeah
(applause) (laughs)
- [Will] Tonight's episode, we saw our star, Simon struggle
with trying to find a new job
and then ultimately being forced to work back at RTO.
- Your dad's gonna get a real good job
and he's gonna bring all of you together
in a big fancy house.
- Yay!
- I love (mumbles)
- [Officer] Simon James - Whoa!
Oh, yeah?
- [Officer] You got some ID on you sir?
You are under arrest for failure to pay child support.
- Oh, that's gotta be wrong
because I pay child support (mumbles)
- The question we wanna ask you guys is
if you could quit everything
and get your dream job, what job would that be?
- I would uh, I'd be a socialite.
- [Will] That's a good choice.
- A fake job, I like that.
(laughter)
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Yeah, I will just like be by a pool
or like shop during the day.
I would just get like a bunch o'dogs
just you know, little dogs.
It would be great but if I had to get a real job,
I will be a museum curator.
You know, back, in my youth days, when I was in the streets,
that's what I used to tell men that I dated
and be like, "Oh, I'm a museum curator."
- That's good.
- And if they had any follow ups, did you have real answers
for these things?
- I'm ready. I'm ready.
But no one ever has follow ups for jobs like that.
- Cause no one really knows what a curator is.
- No one knows what the fuck that is.
- Exactly (mumbles)
- So it's perfect.
Like they're just like, "Oh!"
- [Langston] Ah! - Oh, okay.
- So you curate shit, yeah. - [Langston] All right.
- All right.
Oh, so you, you like a black smart girl.
You like art.
You like, yes.
- Oh, I'm scared of museums.
It's cool, cool, cool.
All right.
- Oh men, I ain't been.
(laughter)
What's that like? (laughter)
- Probably, I'll just like, be like a video game tester.
- Okay.
- That's good, yeah.
- [Chandra] Oh, that's fine. - That's solid.
- Yeah. - [Chandra] Yeah.
- Just let me just sit back and play Grand Theft Auto,
like I tell you guys, "Ey, you guys need to add some more
you know, beef this up a little bit."
- [Will] Yeah.
- I need more prostitutes to hit in the face.
- Right, you know, right, right, right (laughter)
and we need more chickos in this, you know.
(laughter)
- [Will] Yeah, hell yeah, I would appreciate that.
- This is a fun question, is there a job
that you would like to do
that other people are ashamed for?
A job that's sort of like
is notoriously considered a bad job
that you'd be like, "I'd be down to do that.
That doesn't seem that bad."
- I wanna say porn
but no ones like ashamed of doing that anymore
- Ah, you are (laughs)
- People are ashamed of it, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, no people definitely do with the porn shame.
- They're ashamed? - Yes.
- Yes. - Oh no, absolutely.
- [Ed] It's a billion dollar comp
- You don't slut shame anymore, we're past that
but you porn shame.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Absolutely.
- I don't think you get more pussy from doing porn.
- I would imagine you'd get much more.
- Yeah, I don't know.
- No, no, no, you have sex with more porn stars.
I don't think a regular lady is like, "Hell yeah."
(laughter) - I don't know.
- [Will] I mean we have a lady here.
Let's find out.
- I mean, I think some women will
because some of those men, yeah, they're very talented.
And it's also is so hard as a woman
because now, as we get more liberated and stuff
and women just wanna fuck too sometimes
- Mm-hmm.
I know I cleaned up (laughs)
- And you just wanna know, is the dick good
and there is no rating system.
- [Will] Right.
- So it's not like you can't just go down the app
and be like, "Oh, dick is good."
And you don't wanna just keep wasting your fucks on bad dick
So sometimes with porn,
it's like, "Okay, well, at least I know," I would know.
- You're assured, dick too bomb already.
- Yeah.
- Right.
- Ah, I gotcha.
- A dick facts.
That should be an app.
- [Langston] There you go.
- Yeah. I agree. - A dick facts.
- I need there to be a quote somewhere
don't waste your fucks on bad dicks.
(laughter)
That was brilliant (laughs)
Honestly, that was poetry (laughs)
- [Chandra] It's true, you know.
- Don't waste your fucks on bad dicks.
- What's a job that you guys think
that everybody says is great
that you think would suck
- [Chandra] Almost every job.
- And you absolutely would not wanna do?
- The president.
- [Will] Oh, it looks like it sucks.
- It just sucks - It sucks
- [Langston] Yeah.
- [Chandra] Yeah, that looks like a trash ass job.
- It's like the stress
if I made one bad decision, the world hates me.
- But our boy is killin' it.
(laughter)
- So moving right on (laughter)
- Oh my.
- He does not speak for any of us on the panel
- [Chandra] Nobody. Nobody. - the network
- The entire room went silent
including the people in the back
who had been laughing and everything there
like, hold on, this motherfucker serious.
(laughter)
- The camera stopped camering (laughter)
- Hear em out (laughter)
- The director stopped directing
like, "No, fuck this. Hold up."
Can we edit that out? (laughter)
- [Chandra] Please, please.
- Being a teacher.
Yeah, I think that's horrible.
- Not bad.
- [Will] No, it sucks man!
Especially, when they get off age
to where they can roast you and it's pretty good
It's like, "Hey, fuck you." (laughs)
That one was good, all right? (laughs)
- Yeah
Honestly, your jean's too high.
Yes, I know.
- Then fuck.
(laughs)
- [Chandra] Yeah, and they're roasting early.
- It's literally what I thought
when I put them on this morning
(laughter)
I looked in the mirror, I made fun of myself,
and, "Maybe these are too high"
(laughter)
Oh, they won't notice.
(laughter)
- But when y'all was teaching, did you ever roast students?
- [Will] All day.
- Oh yeah, that was day one.
Like you come in, "I don't like you."
"You ugly. Let's do this."
- Yes, yes, but you get the respect that way too.
Especially Chicago kids
cause it's like you need to know how to roast.
It's all like, it's strategic
cause you gotta know their income in their household
so you can make fun of and like shit they can change
- Like you can't call,
you can't call an actual poor kid, bummy.
Do you know what I mean?
Cause then it becomes problematic
cause he actually is poor.
- [Will] Exactly, yeah.
You gotta know they can afford the haircut
to make fun of the haircut (laughs)
- But you can call a poor kid ugly
- Yes
- Cause then money ain't do that
(laughter)
That's Jesus Christ's fault.
(laughter)
- You're goin to hell (laughs)
- And it's not ugly, though.
It's uglass.
- You ugly as hell man!
- Uglass. You ugly ass. - [Ed] You ugly.
- I didn't say ugly.
I didn't finish the word.
- Whoa! Whoa! Ugly? - [Will] Ugly?
I said uglass.
- I'm not judging you like that.
- U-G-L-A-S-S and that is our
- [Langston] That's it.
- That's it for the show.
- [Langston] We did it. - [Ed] Yes.
- Thank you so much for joining us
on our very first premier episode of Cooler by the Lake.
- Why is he doing this?
- [Chandra] I don't know. - [Ed] I don't know.
- I'm covering the stomach up real quick as we end.
(laughter)
It's been here the whole time
but now you don't see it anymore (laughter)
And that's the important part.
- Very slick. Very slick. (laughter)
- I'm your host Langston Kerman
- And I'm Will Miles and we wanna thank our guests.
(clapping) - Thank you.
- [Will] For joining us on our first one.
Stay tune.
Coming next week.
We'll be right here on Cooler by the Lake.
- [Ed] Yeah.
- I'm just gonna do this pose.
(R&B music)