-Thank you so much and welcome,
welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
This is it. [ Cheers and applause ]
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, President Trump has been trying everything
to overturn the election, and he finally got
one of his cases to the Supreme Court.
Let's see how that went.
-The Supreme Court has shut down
one of President Trump's latest and last attempts
to overturn the election.
In one short sentence, the Court denied a Republican challenge
to the vote in Pennsylvania.
-That is amazing.
They rejected Trump's whole argument in one sentence.
[ Laughter ]
That's pretty much the Supreme Court's version
of responding to a long text with "K."
[ Laughter ]
One sentence. That page had less ink
than Rudy Giuliani's face.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Rim shot ]
That's basically a tweet that went to law school.
It is the equivalent of a judge taking off his leather glove
and slapping you with it.
[ Slap ] "You fool!"
All of the justices were like,
"We put on our robes for this? Wha--"
The Court really tried to do Trump a favor though.
They figured if it was one sentence,
he would actually read it. [ Laughter ]
For Trump, it felt like applying to college
and getting back a thin envelope.
It is like, "Well, this can't be good."
[ Laughter ]
Trump isn't giving up though. He's like,
Now it's time to appeal to an even higher court,
the Jedi Council.
Dear @Mandalorian..."
[ Laughter ]
The other big news is that after testing positive
for COVID, today Rudy Giuliani
was discharged from the hospital.
Yeah. Another day, another Rudy discharge.
-Ooh!
[ Laughter ]
-That is right, America's Mr. Bean is back in action.
Giuliani didn't waste any time embarrassing himself.
He waved good-bye to the doctors wearing a gown
that was open in the front. He was like,
"I was just tucking it in."
[ Laughter ]
But the hospital staff doesn't have faith in Rudy.
On his way out, he grabbed a Dunkin' Donuts napkin
off of the ground and blew his nose in it.
It's like, "Hey, guy."
That's right, the nurses are thrilled Rudy is gone.
Now they don't have to keep changing his head pan.
[ Laughter ]
That's a great joke, yeah.
Yeah, it seems like there's so much going on right now.
President Trump's lawsuits continue to be thrown out.
People are starting to get the COVID vaccine.
Joe Exotic asked Kim Kardashian
to help him get a presidential pardon.
And workers at a New York City Chipotle
are fighting off a horde of rats.
There's a lot to go over, so let's just jump in
and cover it all at once. It is time for "News Smash."
[ Applause ] ♪♪
First up, Trump's lawsuits, they're not going well.
The Supreme Court just dismissed the GOP's attempt
to overturn the election in Pennsylvania.
So I'm sorry, Mr. President, you tried your best,
but it just wasn't effective.
But you know what is effective?
The COVID vaccine.
It's making the rounds in England
and things are looking promising.
I got to say it is nice to get some good news for once,
instead of news that completely melts your brain
and makes you feel insane. Speaking of which,
Joe Exotic asked Kim Kardashian to help him
get a presidential pardon.
Joe's in prison for trying to murder Carole Baskin.
But he wants to get back to his life of wrangling tigers.
I mean, if we wants to wrangle large, furry beasts,
he could always apply for a job at Chipotle.
[ Laughter ]
A location in New York City is struggling to deal with
a horde of giant rats.
It's gotten so bad that four employees have been bitten.
That's not good.
They should probably all get vaccinated.
The U.S. will start giving out COVID vaccines soon.
And the people that are first in line to receive them are,
of course, elderly people with underlying health issues.
People like President Trump. [ Laughter ]
All three of Trump's Supreme Court nominees voted
against his cause this week.
Losing all those cases has got to sting,
kind of like when you get bitten by a rat at work.
They are chewing through wires and nibbling on avocados.
It's basically a Chuck E. Chipotle in there
and the workers don't stand a chance.
You know who else doesn't stand a chance?
Joe Exotic. [ Laughter ]
Kim Kardashian isn't going to save you, man.
But hey, it was worth a...shot. [ Laughter ]
In conclusion, I don't think it's going to work out.
I don't think it's going to work out.
I think it's going to work out.
I would not work there.
This has been a "News Smash." [ Applause ]
♪♪
Well, some news from overseas.
In Russia they're telling people not to drink alcohol
for almost two months
after taking the Russian vaccine.
Russians heard it and were like,
[Russian accent] "We'll take our chances with the virus.
[ Laughter ]
You know it is serious because Russia does not even give
that warning to pregnant women. [ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, President-elect Biden is busy with the transition,
and today, I read he's thinking about making Pete Buttigieg
the ambassador to China.
Buttigieg heard and was like,
"Yes, please send me to Wuhan where it is safer."
And apparently, Biden told Buttigieg, "Take it from me,
if you work hard, you can be President in 50 years."
[ Laughter ]
That's right, the ambassador job is way better
than the one Trump offered him --
White House Elf on the Shelf. [ Laughter ]
Here's some tech news -- Google just released
their breakdown of 2020's most searched topics.
No surprise, number one was coronavirus.
And number two was election results.
But they also released a list of their least searched terms.
The stuff that nobody Googled all year.
Check this out.
Number five was sourdough stopper.
[ Laughter ]
Interesting. I did not know that was a thing.
The fourth least searched term was
Facemasks with Mitch McConnell's chin on them.
[ Laughter ]
Number three was just Mank nudes.
[ Laughter ]
Number two was, How much to hire the law offices
of Rudy Giuliani. [ Laughter ]
And the number one least searched thing in 2020
was WAP sheet music for church choir.
Well, that's -- that's --
[ Applause ]
[ Laughter ]
That's really more of an organ song.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, I saw that Waze has a new feature
for the holidays where you can have Santa's voice
give you directions...
which sounds fun until your kids hear their dad snap at Santa.
"All right, I heard you!"
It's actually just a mall Santa, so every now and then
you'll hear... [Belches] "50 feet.
Explain to me why my wife let me."
Guys, we have exactly eight shows left
before we go on Christmas break,
Which means it's time for that beloved
"Tonight Show" tradition.
It is time for "12 Days of Christmas Sweaters."
-♪ 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters ♪
♪ Eight days left ♪
-That's right, every show between now and Christmas,
we'll be giving one lucky audience member
a glorious Christmas sweater
from the Countdown to Christmas Cabinet.
Now since there are eight shows left, let's open
door number 8.
[ Drum roll ]
Ooh, all the way up top. Oh, yeah. Look at that.
Love it.
Wow. That is gorgeous. ♪♪
That is nice.
A bird.
Wow. That is just beautiful.
There is -- it's like a turtleneck inside the sweater.
It's gorgeous.
Is that a couple partridges in there?
Ooh, on the back, a dancing lady,
like a St. Pauli girl, yeah.
Not an ad. Not an ad.
But we -- How many birds you got on there?
One, two, three -- you got three partridges.
It's not a pear tree. But you get the idea.
Guys, let's see who's going home with tonight's sweater.
Everyone, look at your seat number.
If I call your number, come on down.
Quest, can I get a drum roll please?
[ Drum roll ]
237!
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's what I'm talking about. Nice.
Nice to see you, bud. Hey.
Thank you so much for being in our audience tonight.
What is your name and where are you from?
-Carmine. Originally from Brooklyn,
but live in Staten Island now, make bad decisions.
-Hey, why not? Hey, please, we love --
[ Laughter ]
Now you're wearing a nice, warm fleece there.
But I think that this would work out perfect.
What do you think? -I think so. I think so.
I'll go with tree front. -Yeah, sure.
Again, these sweaters have no front or backs.
This year, everyone's guessing what the front and back is.
Oh, look at this already. I feel --
Oh, I feel -- This is --
Oh, look at this.
No, that's what I'm talking -- That --
Turn around and let's see the front.
There you go. Perfect.
Oh, my God. Fantastic. Thank you so much.
Let's give our winner a round of applause once again.
Thank you to our lucky audience member.
We'll be right back with Jon Hamm, everyone.
Come on back.
Ah, it's beautiful.
♪♪