Aaaalright! Now, when I was a kid it was your responsibility to entertain yourself
And the best way to do that was to play stupid-ass games like hide-and-seek
Now, I don't mean to brag, but I'm a pretty big deal when it comes to hide-and-seek
I could find all the best hiding spots, my ass would be missing for days at a time
Well, it's been two hours, I don't feel like looking for his ass anymore, let's go play Nintendo!
Eventually I'd just pop up in the middle of nowhere
People are in the middle of my eulogy and shit
"Oh my God, my baby is alive!"
"God damn it, do you have any idea what this funeral cost?!"
I wasn't like my dumbass friend Michael
Who'd be standing there behind a lamp with his eyes closed and shit
"They can't see me if I can't see them!"
"Michael, you could've at least turned the lamp off! You're on the goddamn spotlight, for Christ's sake!"
The only problem is, sometimes in hide-and-seek I'd get a little ambitious and it'd get me into trouble
For example, one day we were playing at my friend Stephen's house
And I got the brilliant idea to hide in his dryer
Now, what can possibly go wrong there?
It's just a big heavy appliance that could kill me if I wasn't careful. What's the big deal?
So I squeeze my ass in there like an idiot, I have Michael shut the door for me
"You want me to turn it on tumble-dry, just to make it look more inconspicuous?"
"Michael, if you touch any of those buttons out there.."
".. I will Stone Cold Stunner you into the damn stratosphere, you understand me?!"
*Thung*
I'm all cramped and uncomfortable, just hoping nothing horrific happens
Like I suffocate, or..
God forbid, lose the goddamn hide-and-seek game!
I start leaning back, trying to get cosy in this goddamn thing
And just as I do that, the drum of the dryer starts to spin backwards
So instead of sitting on my ass, like I was
Now I'm sitting on my neck with all my body weight pressing down on me
Now, it's important to note that I'm not a claustrophobic person
Or at least I wasn't before I got stuck in a fuckin' dryer!
I'm filled with panic, I'm laying there, thinking:
"Oh my God, this is how I'm gonna die!"
In some stupid-ass Kama Sutra position
In some stupid-ass Kama Sutra position Stuck in a fuckin' Maytag!
Somehow I get the door open, I can see Michael standing in the corner with a laundry basket on his head
*choking up* "Euuuuuhhh, Michael, Michael, help me!"
"WOULD YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH?! YOU'RE GONNA LEAD THEM RIGHT TO US!"
*choking up* "God damn it, Michael! I can't breathe!"
"STOP GASPING FOR AIR SO LOUD, WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?"
All of a sudden Stephen walks in
He sees my ass getting eaten alive by his dryer like some kind of a shitty Goosebumps book
"Ah, what the hell is this?! I didn't sign up for this shit!"
So he and my friend David have to pull me out like a couple of drunken Hardy boys
"He still has to be it, right? You guys found him first and he didn't die, so he has to be it!"
"Michael, as soon as I can feel my legs, you're getting Stone Cold Stunner, do you know that?!"
So needless to say, I had to change my hide-and-seek strategy
So instead of hiding in appliances I would go to rooms that I wasn't supposed to be in
One time I went into Stephen's mom's bedroom!
And I tried to hide under her bed!
But I couldn't hide under her bed, because there was a box there blocking my way
So I pull it out and take a good look at what it is
And it's some kind of swing for adults!
It's a fuckin' sex swing is what it is!
"Ah! What the fuck!"
"What? What is it, what did you find?"
"Michael, what are you doing in Stephen's mom's dresser drawer?!"
"I'm trying to hide, what do you think?!"
"You know how hard it was to fit in here with all these handcuffs and bottles of lotion?!"
"Handcuffs and bottles of lotion?!"
"Yeah, and this weird thing, that keeps tickling me!"
Just then everybody else comes in
"Duuuuu! What kind of weird circus shit is your mom into?!"
Stephen's standing there, looking at the box, all horrified
Michael's checking under the bed for anything else
"Maybe there's monkey bars under here too!"
So we don't know what to do at this point
So we just slide it back under the bed and hope she doesn't notice
I got a protractor out there, trying to get every exact angle right
We're out in the living room, trying not to make eye contact with Stephen's mom
"So are you boys having a good time?"
"Ahm.. Not as good of a time you've been havin' apparently!"
"What?!"
"Nothing! Yeah, we're having a great time!"
"In fact, I should swing by a lot more often and play hide-and-seek!"
"What do you think, Stephen, should I swing by tomorrow?"
"Yeah, or maybe you can swing by my house and we can play there!"
"Ah, I get it, 'cause we found that sex swing in your mom's bedroom!"
"Yeah, I'll swing by! I can swing by doggystyle if you want!"
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